now i’m wonderin just who would I have been

I will answer the questions soon and maybe even get some more from some of my other favorites. But until then….

There’s something about Newfie that just balances me. Even spending less than 24 hours with him in town made me feel better. And re-opened the hole inside my chest that formed last time he left. I spend Tuesday working at church cleaning up the choral library and organizing the music. I think I’ve found a better way to file the music. At least I hope so. I only have one more year. But I want it to be a little bit better for whoever ends up taking over after I’m gone. Tuesday night I drove up to Buffalo to pick up Newfie from the bus station. I didn’t sleep Monday night, so I was a little tired. The tiredness was also making me a little bitchy, nervous and itching for a cigarette. But I was a good girl and waited patiently for him to make it through customs. I was nervous and worried about how things were going to go. I was anxious almost to the point of being angry. But then I saw him through the doors of the bus station and everything was better. The anxiety calmed down and it felt like no time had passed since he left. We were excatly how we’d always been.

Since he needed the landlord to let him into his apartment, he needed to spend Tuesday at my place. I made him dinner and we caught up for about an hour before he sent me to bed. He’s always been attentive and knew how exhausted I was. He needed to do a few errands to Walmart and the bank the next day. Rather than me ferrying him all over town, I just gave him my car and I spent the day cleaning and packing to go home. I wasn’t going to leave until Thursday morning. Except Newfie wanted me to drive him to Buffalo to catch the 6:30pm bus. I figured if I was going that far that early, I might as well go to Rochester and get closer to home. My dad wants to do lunch tomorrow anyways.

So I raced around all day to get the things done and get ready to go. Newfie came over for lunch, which was chicken drumsticks and noodles. I forgot how much I like cooking for him. I don’t mind cooking for Sarah; I actually do enjoy that. But not the same way as cooking for Newfie. Having her hang out in my apartment is not the same as him. I just feel centered and balanced with him there. It was a little unnerving to be reminded of how different I was when he was here. He finished just about everything by the time the football game started that he wanted to watch. Considering it was in Moscow, it aired around 3pm here. He’s a Manchester fan and they ended winning in overtime and a bunch of shootouts. It was an exciting game, even though I really don’t understand most of it or really care for the most part. Newfie told me if I ended up going to the Royal Northern College of Music (which is in Manchester) I would probably get caught up in the excitement. I finished up my packing and organizing while he sat in the living room watching the game. Wait, that’s not the right term. Watching the match, I think is correct. I know its not a field, its a pitch, but I’m just not up on the rest of the jargon.

Having him there like that, having him come in and out the way he used to, having him make coffee and act so comfortable in the apartment reminded me how much I miss him. There’s an insane level of comfort between the two of us considering the short time we’ve known each other and the time we’ve spent apart recently. I was very worried that things would be strained or odd or uncomfortable. It was completely the opposite.

The comforting feeling I have with Manny and Settle is different. Its weathered by time and events. But its disturbing how close Newfie gets. I was nearly in tears after he left on the bus. We ended up going up to Fort Erie and going out to dinner up there before he caught a later bus. He and a friend, Mike, are planning on coming down to the City sometime in July. They were planning on finding a hotel somewhere, but I told him he was nuts and would just stay at my parent’s house. I don’t think he really understood how close the City is and how convenient the Metro is. He had asked if I would be able to see them while they were in there. I don’t know my work schedule yet and he doesn’t know when excatly they are coming. I could tell he was disappointed at the possibility of not being able to see me. So when I told him to just stay with me, he looked very relieved and happy.

I really forgot how he makes me feel though. He balances me and grounds me and drives me absolutly insane. There’s a comfort I feel with him I don’t feel with many other people. Its so hard to remind myself of all the reasons I shouldn’t want to be with him when he’s around. So while the visit felt too short, it was probably just right. Especially since I’m totally reeling from all the emotions I’m feeling now.

And this weekend I get to see Manny. I’m so happy about seeing him. Maybe tomorrow I can open up a bit more and be honest about whats happening there. Right now all I can deal with is Newfie and the hole that’s been reopened in my chest.

And here we go again
With all the things we said
And not a minute spent
To think that we’d regret
So we just take it back,
These words and hold our breath
Forget the things we swore we meant

I’ll write you just to let you know that I’m alright
Can’t say I’m sad to see you go
Cause I’m not. (No, I’m not)
Well, I’m not.

And here we go again
With all the things we did
And now I’m wondering
Just who would I have been
To be the one attached
At all times to your hip?
Forget the things we swore we meant.

I’ll write you just to let you know that I’m alright
Can’t say I’m sad to see you go
Cause I’m not. (No, I’m not)
Well, I’m not. (No, I’m not)
Oh (No, I’m not)

I’ll write you to, to let you know that I’m alright
Can’t say I’m sad to see you go
Cause I’m not. (No, I’m not)
Well, I’m not. (No, I’m not)
I’m not, I’m not.

And here we go again
With all the things we said
And not a minute spent
To think that we’d regret
So we just take it back…
(No, I’m not)
So we just take it back…
(I’m not)
So we just take it back…

Here We Go Again ~ Paramore