no time for lies or empty fights

Twelve in12

Reading: The Game of Kings ~ Dorothy Dunnett

Finished: Mirror, Mirror ~ Gregory Macguire

Witchling ~ Yasmine Galenorn

Changeling ~ Yasmine Galenorn

Something Wicked ~ Catherine Mulvany

Date:Wednesday, November 28, 2007Time:3:21 amMood Level:DepressedSeverity:Moderate (significant impact, able to work)Anxiety:2=ModerateIrritability:1=MildHours Slept:9 HoursMedication:150 mg Lamictal

I’m finding strength again. I’m finding that its okay to rely on people and open up a little bit. I’m remembering why its better for me to take my medication. I hate that I have to take it to be happy. I wish I could find that happiness in someplace other than in a pill. But it is my safety. It makes the voices go away and silences the impluses that push me to drag the knife across my skin.

Talking helps. Being with people who will make me laugh helps. And not people who make me smile because I’m putting up the facade. I wasn’t going to invite Rob over for dinner tonight. I wanted to be alone with my life. But I ended up making too much food and I really didn’t want it going to waste. We could just be. That’s one of the things I love so much about him. We ate dinner and then he pulled out some of his scores and started working. I put on some music and studies psychology. We talked occasionaly about the music, but generally just enjoyed each others company in silence. There aren’t many people I can have comfortable silences with, but he is definitly one of those people. He knows I haven’t been doing well. But he doesn’t push. He doesn’t force me to talk or face whatever I don’t want to face. He just sits and provides a safe haven for me to exist for a while. Seriously, I love the kid. I think part of the reason why I adore him so much is that I’m not romantically or sexually attracted to him. I don’t feel awkward or strange around him. I’m me – uncensored, unfiltered. Much similiar to how I feel around Dustin. How I used to feel around Settle and John.

He also recognizes that while I may ask for advice, I will do whatever I want to do. I have to figure things out for myself, and no one is going to solve things for myself.

Tonight was good. I went to the White Inn and he came for a bit, before going to EBC. I told him to call if he needed a ride, or else just come back to the White Inn. He did come back, long after Sarah and Kelly had left. And well, its now nearly 4am and I just got home. I’m taking the meds again and doing better, but he sees through part of that. He gets that while I need to figure things out on my own, I need to have someone there.

I still haven’t quite figured out what to do about Manny. But that will be tomorrow’s problem. I’m somewhat sober, but still pretty drunk. And a little horny from the porn we were watching in the bar. Ahh, how I love the White Inn!

You fight me, flat on my lonely face I fell.
Finding in the end I live well.
In light of the life that I have found,
It’s coming down.

I don’t know what isn’t real,
But it’s easy
To beat me.
Suck it in.
Life is sink or swim.
Love is blinding, no surviving.

I don’t know what I want to be yet.
But I can show that I need to see this.
No time for lies and empty fights.
I’m on your side.

Can we live a life of peace and happiness?
I don’t think so.
No denying I am scared to lose the things I love.
I’m in control.

This is how, this is how it’s going to end.
This is how, this is how it’s going to end.
End

Everyone is waiting here for everyone.
Leave me alone.

This is how, this is how it’s going to end.
This is how, this is how it’s going to end.
This is how, this is how it’s going to end.
This is how, this is how it’s going to end.

You Fight Me ~ Breaking Benjamin