no insurance for the unthinkable

Twelve in12

Reading: The Game of Kings ~ Dorothy Dunnett

Finished: Mirror, Mirror ~ Gregory Macguire

Witchling ~ Yasmine Galenorn

Changeling ~ Yasmine Galenorn

Something Wicked ~ Catherine Mulvany

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince ~ J.K. Rowling

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows ~ J.K. Rowling

Myst: Book of Atrus ~ Rand Miller, Robyn Miller and David Wingrove

This is the sixth day of 2008 and I just don’t really know where to begin. I’ve been reading a lot, as you can see from my book list. I’ve been doing a lot of nothing, a lot of just stretching and being and thinking and wondering. I’ve done somethings recently I’m not too proud of, and I’m not sure how to handle it all. There is a possibility I’m being offered a chance at love again, but I don’t know. I’m not sure I want my world to be tipped upside down again with love. I’m not sure I want things to change. In fact, I know I don’t want things to change. I want to stay safe in my box, my bubble, my comfort zone. I don’t want friends to become enemies, enemies to be friends or friends to become lovers, lovers to become enemies. I don’t know…

My head is full of a lot right now. I haven’t been writing, which creates a vacuum in my head for random thoughts. I’ve talked with old friends about this possibility of a love, of relationship. They all think I should go for it. DeDra is already planning the wedding. Manny thinks I’m the only thing standing in my way. My biggest hurdle right now is waiting. I don’t know if this guy feels anything for me beyond friendship. If he doesn’t, I don’t want to go through all of this. If we are just to be friends, we can just stay friends and nothing needs to change. But if he wants there to be something more….

I wish I could see him, talk to him. But he’s not around right now. I have to wait. And I hate waiting. Do I want to take that leap? Does he want to take that leap? He fits. He fits in ways I never thought anyone, male or female, animal or human, would ever fit. I’ve always wanted to be treated like a lady, but not controlled or managed. There’s a fine line in me between the proper lady and the modern woman. I never expected any guy to be able to walk that line, especially since I don’t know quite where it is. But he walks it! He just fits. I can’t even describe it all, but he fits. I can’t describe the amazement I’ve felt since I came to that realization. I never thought it would be possible.

Honesty time. I’ve never had sex where I’ve been in love with the guy. Even remotely dillusional love. They’ve always been just guys I hooked up with. I think the last kiss that I had that actually meaned something to me was Manny, like six million years ago. And as this is honesty time, he was a horrible kisser. I felt like I was kissing a Hoover vaccuum. So the last great kiss I had was with Tim. That kiss when you are so in love and everything is so perfect. You wish you could bottle it up and keep it for those moments when you need to remember what it was like to be that happy. Mike made me happy, but nothing near the feeling I had with Tim. Which is a big reason why I knew we’d never last.

My mother and I ran into an old friend while I was home. She told us she had remarried and was so much happier; Husband 2 was so much better than the first. I made a comment about it being an upgrade and she thought it was so funny. I said “Well, I think about my boyfriends and they just keep getting better. I wouldn’t go back down the ladder.” She couldn’t stop laughing. But it really got me thinking. And its true. Once you’ve been treated like a princess, you never want to be a pauper again. Every guy I meet gets compared to Tim and Matt and Manny, ex-boyfriends all. There is always something that falls short. So I have a new friend, but no new boyfriends. And honestly, I’d rather have lots of friends and few ex-boyfriends. But I’ve started to wonder if I’ve been ruined. I’ve had such great boyfriends, have they ruined me, getting my expectations unreasonably high? I think to a degree that’s why Mike has his staying power. He’s far from perfect and even farther from my expectations in the Ideal Man. But I used to think my expectations where so high and I was worth so little. I just settled for a guy who wanted me.

Yes, I said “used to.” I’ve found this guy who meets my expectations and even surpasses a few. I don’t know what to think! Should I take the leap? Does he want to take the leap? This is where I sit. Are we jumping or not? I want to talk to him, I want to see him and figure this out. But I must be patient and wait.

I hate waiting.

we made plans to be unbreakable,
love was all we knew.
no insurance for the unthinkable,
blindly get us through.
we’ve been searching for a lifetime,
short as it may seem.
riding on the fumes that spark us,
while igniting dreams.
mistakes we knew we were making.
mistakes we knew we were making.
don’t think about chances we’re taking,
mistakes we knew…
do da da da da..
do da da da da dada da da..
driving in the rain to the hospital,
quiet aches intense,
what at once just seemed the impossible,
now makes perfect sense.
we held hands to face the uncomfortable cold,
and lonely room.
magazines and empty distractions
barely got us through.
mistakes we knew we were making.
mistakes we knew we were making.
don’t think about chances we’re taking,
mistakes we knew…
do da da da da..
do da da da da dada da da..
and when we try to think of the life inside,
we found ourselves looking at the world through new eyes.
what can now be said?
oh, little one on the other side.
dance until the band stops playing,
sing with all your might.
mistakes we knew we were making.
mistakes we knew we were making.
don’t think about chances we’re taking,
don’t think about rules we were breaking.
mistakes we knew…
the list goes on and on.
the list goes on and on.
the list goes on and on

Mistakes We Knew We Were Making ~ Mae