Nervous/Excited

It’s 2 am and I’m fairly awake.  Moreso than I’d like to be.  I’m both excited and nervous for this weekend, incredibly so on both.  Which means I’m randomly shifting back and forth from one to the other.  As if the ground was rocking beneath my feet as it is.  I’m not used to these surroundings.  I’m completely not used to wanting him or knowing that I can have him.  I’m not used to this feeling of annoyance and love rushing through me.  All the things he does that used to annoy me to no end still annoy me.  And sometimes I want to staple his mouth together with a nail gun.  But I still want to be with him, and I don’t want him to change.  While those things annoy me, somewhere in my brain I know that is who he is and I don’t want who he is to change.  He’s not perfect and he’s not always helpful.  But neither am I.  So we press forward.

I told him I was nervous tonight.  He said that was okay.  He’s not nervous, at least not in the same sense.  Mine is a apprehensive nervous, while his is more curiously nervous.  Its new and different ground for us, but we both want to move forward.  Anyways, he was great.  He said he understood and that it was okay.  He asked if there was anything he could do to make me less nervous, which there’s not really but just the fact that he asked made it slightly better.  And knowing that he’s not nervous made me feel better.  I’m not sure why that works out that way, but it does.  So I felt better after telling him.

We both went shopping today, just coincidentally.  He bought a new suit, shirt, tie and shoes for the wedding.  He’s majorly excited about it.  I’m excited to see him in it.  He offered to send me a picture, but I told him I wanted to wait.  I went shopping looking for a new pair of jeans and instead found a flash sale at Lane Bryant.  Everything was 50% the marked price and no coupons were good for the day.  Which was good because I’d forgotten mine at home.  I spent WAY more money than I intended, but less than I could have.  I got a bunch new tank tops and no jeans but a good pair of pants that I’m excited for.  Will probably wear them tomorrow or Friday.  I also tried on an awesome skirt and pretty dress.  I was going to get them, but while waiting for the massively long checkout line (not terrible, but long enough to plant the thought in my head) I considered getting new… unmentionables for the trip.  Something fun and flirty.  So I put my clothes on hold and went to look.  There was a moment of too many choices and no idea where to start.  Bras and underwear in every color, shape and size.  I’m fairly vanilla when it comes to those kinds of things and I have no clue what Manny’s preference might be so I was pretty lost.  I texted Megan that I was nervous and anxious, but considering something fun and flirty but had no idea what.  She said that wearing something sexy might make me feel better and more confidant.  Knowing me too, she suggested something simple – black with a little bit of lace.  Nothing extravagant.  Having a starting point, I started looking around.  I found a black teddy with a little red bow and thong underwear – fifty dollars, but with the sale I considered it.  I tried it on and was surprised at how good I felt in it.  I was worried that any fun, flirty stuff would only make me feel more anxious and self-conscious.  I’m still nervous and anxious, but less so.  I’m excited to put it on for him, knowing that he’ll probably rip it off fairly quickly.  In my searching I also found this adorable black bra with a little bit of baby pink lace.  Very simple, very elegant and really cute.  I wouldn’t have guessed I liked it so much, but I really do.  Its also a real functioning bra.  The teddy is… well, not something I could wear in public.  So the black and pink bra is a double score.  Some more cute underwear and I’m really excited.  I almost bought a blue bra with black lace too, but it didn’t fit as well.

So I’m now very excited.  Still incredibly nervous but excited.  At first I wasn’t going to tell him what I bought and just surprised him with it.  But I decided I wanted him to get the building up of anticipation.  So I hinted at what I bought.  He’s excited for all of it, but said that he was mostly just excited to be able to see me and spend time with me.  That everything was superlative.  

I leave Friday after work for Chicago and then fly out to Portland early Saturday morning.  Yup.  I’m excited!  And still nervous!