Musings While Waiting for Pizza

So why did I fail so miserably at seminary?  How was I able to succeed at Fredonia?  What can I change so that I can succeed in the future?

I have three basic reasonings to why seminary was so hard.  Actually, its three different things that I blame.  

First – ME.  I should have been smarter or worked harder or been more outgoing.  I should have made better choices.  I should have gotten more involved with the people I met.  I should have studied harder instead of living in my head.  I shouldn’t have spent so much time alone at home.  I didn’t do enough to put myself out there and meet new people.  I didn’t involve myself enough or ask for help.  I am in control of my own life and I should have known better.

Wait, no nevermind.  It was BIPOLAR.  I’m not in control of myself ever and I’m sick.  I have a medical reason as to why I act this way and make these choices.  I’m dealing with a whole new level of this disease that I’ve never dealt with before.  I’m having severe social anxiety.  I can’t leave my apartment and face the world or teachers or students!  I’m physically and mentally incapable of that at times and that can’t be my fault really.  I try the best I can, but this is just the reality of the situation.

WAIT!  I’ve got it – THEM.  The seminary, the students, the teachers, this town.  When I first started at seminary, I was told that I needed a support system.  That I needed to have friends.  Well, give that man a gold star!  Do they sell insta-friends at Walmart?  "Just add water and you’ve got that best friend you always needed!  Comes complete with trust, time and energy to deal with every little need!"  Friends aren’t created and neither are support systems.  I had a support system in Fredonia.  I don’t have one here.  Why is that?  Well, I had people in Fredonia who would be there for me if I asked.  Actually, I had people in Fredonia who would be there for me even if I didn’t ask!  I didn’t have to ask!  They were just there!  Not stopping their lives or revolving their existence around me, but just there for me.  Available to me.  Present in my life.  The seminarians and professors and people here – they all already have full lives.  They never made room for me. I opened up to them, and bared my soul.  But they have their own families, jobs, routines, friends, support systems.  They have no need for me, and no need to make space for me.  I’m not saying they’ve done this out of spite or hate or even consciously.  But they all had full lives, and I was just another face in the crowd to them all.

So all three of these things are individually not to blame, but unified – this is why this place became so toxic for me.  I’m only now starting to climb out.  I’m only now starting to find people who need me, who notice me, who are making room in their lives for me.  I know this is not all solved with the wave of a wand and a new job.  But seeing why something failed and trying to change things so it won’t continue to fail…  That’s got to count for something right?

And now… Pizza’s here!