Ms. Black Eyeliner

I gotta say, those entries/e-mails/stories or what ever medium they decide to use, about suicides gone wrong are bullshit. I’m not saying they don’t happen because they do. I’m not saying those people aren’t in pain because I’m sure they are. But those entries do absolutly nothing for suicidal people. In all reality, they just make me more determined to do it right. I will find the perfect way to kill myself and I won’t fail. If someone tells you not to do something because you might screw up, it makes you more determined to do the thing absolutly right on the money.

Its a rant, one of those things that bother me, like praying for peace. I’ve seen that entry posted all over, not only OD, but the entire web. I don’t know who originally wrote it, but its everywhere now. The abundance of redundance flooded her head.

Anyways, its Wednesday and I’m so tired. Where did I leave off again? Oh right the weekend. Dedra came over on Friday and we got drunk. Not stinking, stumbling drunk, but good feelings and laughter drunk. I was going to go North on Saturday, but Dedra convinced me to stay. We ended up going to Lauren’s house and her husband, Chris, made us dinner. He had just bought one of the rotating pizza makers and he wanted to try it out. He made a regular pizza and a white pizza. Both were really good. He’s such a good husband, bring us our dinner in the living room and setting up the trays. He was so cute. He doesn’t drink and he doesn’t like to go out, so us girls hit the bars after dinner. We tried Hobnobbin but it wasn’t really that busy and it was really cold. So we went to the Quiet Man. At first it was just loud music and kinda boring. But then Dedra wanted to dance, and Lauren kept telling us she couldn’t dance. She did this funny little bunny hop thing and the DJ saw it. He came over and was laughing and talking with us about it. Finally after another beer and a Kamakazi shot, we got up and started dancing. We had a really good time just being stupid. Around 2am or so, we decided to leave and go to the diner. We ate so much greasy bad food, I can’t believe I didn’t get sick. I slept so good that night. I realized the next day we had been drinking for like 7 hours straight. I had kept that happy drunk feeling going for over 6 hours. It was great!

So Sunday I didn’t get up for ages and ages. Mom called around 1pm to talk about their trip so far. They were boarding the ship in Whittier and wouldn’t be able to call for a few days. They are having so much fun. I’m glad they finally got to go. So after talking with her, I got up and tried to decide whether or not to go North. There were definitly things around the house that I needed to do, but I really wanted to go. After 4 hours of going back and forth, I decided to go. I left around 7pm and got some dinner before hitting the highway. I stopped once and by the time I reached the Park, the towns were doing their firework displays. So I saw fireworks most of the way up the Northway. It was pretty cool. I got to the cabin around 10 and watched part of The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. I was spooking myself out though because I wasn’t used to the sounds and I was weirded out. So I ended up going to bed. I set the alarm so I wouldn’t sleep through the whole day. I figured if I wanted to sleep in, I could, but at least I would have that option of sleeping or getting up.

I wanted to go to the Fort for breakfast, but then I realized it was the Fourth of July and I figured the Fort would be packed to the gills. I got there around 10am and was one of five people in the place. Another large group followed me, but it was still relatively empty. I went home and changed into my bathing suit and got ready for the beach. I stopped at Pauline’s house to say hi. She was going into Schroon for a barbeque at her daughter’s house, so I drove her in. Her granddaughter had agreed to drive her home later so she wouldn’t have to drive at night. I got to the beach around 1pm and that place was packed. I parked in the far back corner of the grocery store lot and walked down Main Street and out to the beach. I had a huge breakfast at the Fort, so I didn’t need lunch anytime soon. I brought my Harry Potter book, my Ipod, Gatorade and sunscreen. It was heavenly. There was a nice breeze off the lake, which kept me relativly cool and drove away any mosquitoes. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky until much later in the afternoon. I took one dip in the lake to cool off, but spent most of the time lounging in my chair. Megan called toward the afternoon, so I talked to her for sometime. I escaped out of town before the parade started because the place was mobbed. I went back to the cabin, ate my meatball sub and watched the rest of The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. I was pretty tired, so I took a nap. I set my alarm for 9pm, just in case I didn’t wake up. But I woke sometime around 8:30. I really wanted to be out of there by dark so I quickly packed the few things I brought and turned off the power. Driving home, I encountered the firework displays. This time however, people had pulled over to the side of the Northway to watch, making traffic slower than usual.

I stopped at the Glens Falls’ Dunkin Donuts for coffee. Dad had called so I called him back and we chatted for a while. Their train had caught fire on their way to Whittier and the fire trucks came. Dad was all excited, although the passengers weren’t allowed off the train to watch. He could see some of the activity from the Observation deck. Evidently a generator had caught fire or something. They had to cut through the side of the train and they were pulling all the insulation out, since that stuff is deadly flammable. Dad and Joe had a great time watching all this – I mean, his two favorite things all in one package. They were going out to sea shortly so I don’t know when I’ll talk to them next.

I talked to Mike a few times since the first of the month. He’s left his ship and he’s working his way around the country. Last I heard they were in Galvaston (spell?), Texas looking for work although Mike said he wants to travel a bit more before working. He and Megan are going to try and meet up when he passes through Phoenix. I sent him a text on Saturday when I saw drunk saying something about how I missed him. Its bad when I’m drunk and I try to talk to him, so its good he didn’t call or anything.

And so work calls so back to the grind….

When I watch you
want to do you
right where you’re standing, yeah
right on the foyer
on this dark day
right in plain view, oh yeah
of the whole ghetto.
The boots stomp meadows
but we ignore that, yeah
You’re lovely, baby.
This war is crazy.
I won’t let you down, Oh no no

No, I won’t let them take you,
won’t let them take you
Hell no no, oh no,
I won’t let them take you,
won’t let them take you
Hell no no.

No, oh no no no!

And when our city,
vast and shitty,
falls to the axis, yeah
They’ll search the buildings
collect gold fillings,
wallets and rings, oh yeah
But Ms. Black Eyeliner,
you’d look finer
with each day in hiding, oh yeah
Beneath the wormwood
love me so good.
They won’t hear us screw away th