More Aeroplane Thoughts

I hate Charlotte. I spent hours there waiting for my plane. Gave me too much time to think. So I ended up typing this up on the plane. And no music again.

I’m so tired. Not just from lack of sleep, but lack of safety. I’ve been reading a trilogy by Christopher Paolini called The Inheritance . It’s good, like Lord of the Rings meets dragon stories. Anyways, the main character and his dragon end up undertaking a long, dangerous adventure. They are chased by villains and creatures intent on destroying them. They reach safety and are only allowed a few days’ respite before danger arises again. It is tiring to read.

I’ve been thinking though. I relate to that feeling of never being able to feel completely safe and relaxed. Melissa forces me to stay on my toes as does the School of Music in general. Any weakness perceived by them will be exploited and used against me. I’m constantly on my guard. I’m not necessary constantly fighting, but I can never relax and let down everything. There’s really no one at Fredonia that I can totally be myself around. Jenn finds me annoying and I just don’t know Mitch well enough yet. Only time and hardship will test that friendship. I have to say, Jenn is not doing well on the test of friendship. I almost wish she’d just pick sides with Melissa and get over it already. I no longer trust her and that makes me sad. But I’m off topic.

This vacation I’ve had to keep my guard up. I’ve had to make sure that I don’t reveal too much of myself or relax too much. I’ve got too much to think about and worry about to do that at this point. Especially at my Grandmother’s, I’ve had to stay on my toes. I’ve stopped caring about a lot of things that bother her, but she drives me insane. She reminded me of Mel the other afternoon. She claims I did something to her computer and got all pissed off about it. I didn’t do anything, but had she been nicer about asking me about it, I would have fixed the problem. But she didn’t remember and I had no mind to remind her after her little tantrum. She’s just like Mel. I have to walk on eggshells around them, waiting to see what I’ve done to offend them. I’m not safe.

How messed up is that? I’m not safe at school, which is to be expected. Too much competition, too much infighting – I expect all of that. I wait for trouble at school, even causing a bit of my own. But shouldn’t home be a place to be safe, to rejuvenate to reclaim a piece of my sanity? Mel has ensured that won’t happen. And Jenn does nothing to stop it. I don’t even think she realizes what Mel is doing to me. That or she just doesn’t care. It could be a mixture of both. Either way, she’s not someone I’d call a close and personal friend. She’s becoming ‘that girl I once lived with.’ But she chose that bed, so now she can sleep in it.

So I’m returning to school exhausted and feeling vulnerable. How long can one keep up a shield of protection before it cracks and breaks before them? In the books I’m reading, the main character can use magic to fight his enemies and protect his allies, but it draws on his energy. Using too much can kill him. I feel as if that is true with me too. I can protect myself for only so long before my energy will be spent and I will lose it.

So where do I find my strength? When I find myself fading, I close my eyes and realize my friends are my energy. ~ Anonymous That Anonymous sure is smart. Has lots of good quotes. But who are my friends that provide me with energy? Shazar – here on OD – always seems to lift my spirits just a touch and puts a smile on my face. He’s never afraid to challenge me or tell me hard truths. He’s also always there to encourage and make me feel beautiful and powerful, a true Woman. Megan has always been a constant support through her own pain and suffering. She lends me whatever strength she has to spare, though it’s not much. Manny tries, but he tends to annoy the hell out of me half the time. He does provide some measure of energy and comfort though. Nitta does as well, but I hardly ever talk to her or see her anymore. She has her own demons to battle. Who else truly is my energy? Who else truly helps me when things are nigh impossible and I’m about ready to give up? Mike. I wish it weren’t so, but it’s true. I feel like I can reach through time and space and draw from his energy. I miss him dearly when I can’t see him for long periods of time and I feel empty when I sense him pulling away from me. Yet even so, I wait for the day he will leave me. Shazar tells me I’m crazy. Why would he leave me? Why would I think he would leave me?

I’m transferring guilt. I’m transferring pain and anger and attempting to protect myself. Jenn has shown me quite recently her true colors – the colors I don’t even think she realizes she has. Her loyalties lie with Melissa, which I don’t really fault her for. She’s known Melissa longer and they have more history. But I think Jenn puts too much pressure and demand on her friends. She said to me recently she doesn’t think she and I would be friends after college. I felt like I’d been punched in the gut. Up to that point, I didn’t know what would happen after college for either of us. Maybe we would remain in close contact or maybe we would drift apart. I was willing to wait and see what happened with the future. But she seemed so sure that we would not remain friends. So why am I putting in so much effort? Why do I bother to listen to her crap? I was willing to work at a friendship, but not if she’s halfway out the door already. I know her future is uncertain. I know she doesn’t know where she’ll go. I don’t know where I’ll go. But we have cell phones. We have email. We have means of communication. We have the opportunity and an open future. She’s slammed the door shut before it even had time to really open. So I’m retreating, covering all vulnerabilities. I’m afraid I’m going to lose her friendship, something I’m not sure I really ever had.

I’m afraid I’m going to lose him too.