Missing Entry

to wait up for me. But I also didn’t really want to go home. I didn’t want to be with my parents, because my mom was pissed that I had forgotten my music. But I really didn’t want to go hole up in my room because there was no one in there. More than anything, I wanted to be with somebody. I just didn’t want to be alone.

So I went home because there was nothing else I could think of to do. I ended up going online and talking to Shazar for a while. It was good. I was listening to Straylight Run and I started crying. It was a mini-nervous breakdown that has been a long time coming. Playing always brings up any emotions I’d been repressing. And everything came up to the surface. It hurt to breath, it hurt to just stay alive. I know I shouldn’t repress my emotions, but sometimes I have other things that need to be taken care of, like work and studying. I don’t have time for weak emotional moments. So I repress. But at some point, everything has to come back out. Which it did. And having Shazar there was really great. I don’t even know what time it was when I went to bed, but it was late and I cried myself to sleep.

Sunday was just strange. I took my laptop to church so I could work on downloading I am the Pilot music from pure volume. Manny had been yelling at me on Friday or Saturday night about not having downloaded them yet. Its Todd and Dana and I don’t remember who else. But first of all, I didn’t know they had formed a band and had music up. And secondly, I have dial-up at home, which sucks. Its way too slow to download music. At church, on high-speed, its a mouse click. At home, its an entire evening for just one song. But I got it, and I got some other music too, which was good. And there were a bunch of downloads my computer needed which I couldn’t get on dial-up. So I did all that. And Mommy went to the mall and got her new washer while Daddy went to the congregational meeting. We didn’t get home until almost 3 in the afternoon. My new contacts were bothering me (and still are) so I took them out and took a nap. I don’t know whats wrong with them, but they are making my eyes itch and get watery. Its probably not a good sign, huh? My vision has also actually gotten worse by the day now. I can barely see down the hallway at work, let alone signs on the road. If I didn’t know these roads like the back of my hand, I probably shouldn’t be driving. Actually, I probably shouldn’t be driving anyways, but I don’t have much of a choice. I have things I have to do and I need a car to do them. Don’t get me wrong, I can see enough to drive because I know the roads so well. But there will be no road trips until I can see better.

Sunday night, I couldn’t sleep. I had a migraine and I had taken some Exedrin to get rid of it. But it was alright, cause I hadn’t finished my studying for my Monday class. So I pulled just about an all-nighter to finish it. I went to bed around 5am, but because it was so damn cold in the house, my legs were frozen. I could not for the life of me get warmed up. Even when I got up at 7:30 to take my shower, from my knees down was frozen. Then I slipped getting out of the shower. I bumped my knee and banged my head. I’m fine, but I was late getting to work. Thankfully, I talked to Julia and we are cool now. She wasn’t really mad at me, just the world in general. And my history class went really well. The copier at school wasn’t working, so we didn’t have our quiz, which wasn’t so cool. He said we’ll just have a double quiz next week. I want to take a quiz of his and just get it over with, so I’ll know what to expect. But I understood most of what he was talking about because I had read the chapter and taken good notes. Granted, I did that all the night before, but I did actually retain what I needed to know. And what I didn’t retain, I knew where in my notes to look. Next week though, I’m typing up my reading notes and leaving spaces to fill in what he lectures on. I had to keep flipping between my reading notes and his lecture notes. I didn’t want to rewrite everything, but alot of what he went over was already in my notes. So that made me feel good that I got everything. And I’m talking in class, so hopefully I’ll get full participation credit.

I was going to go home and rewrite my class and reading notes from the past week so they are all together, but I decided since I didn’t sleep the night before I would just go to bed. Good and bad idea. I think I got into too deep a sleep because I overslept this morning. That sucked because my dad called all pissed off at 10am. I didn’t mean to, I swear, but it just happens sometimes. I should go out and get a different alarm clock, something like my dad’s alarm. I have two alarms I can set on the clock, but they are either both radio or both that stupid beeping. I had another alarm, but it was too loud and it jolted me awake. And I just couldn’t take that. On my dad’s, you can set one to the radio and one to the beeping. Besides, my clock is kinda broken from when I came home from Calvin.

So its finally Tuesday, but I was late to work, so I’m behind a little on work. I didn’t take lunch and I won’t take one tomorrow to make up the time and work. But it still sucks. My knee hurts from my fall, but I’m no worse for wear for the most part. I think I’m allergic to my new contacts though. Whenever I wear them, my eyes get itchy and red and watery. I can’t stand them more than a few hours. So I’ve been switching between them and my old contacts. The prescription doesn’t matter much either way cause I can’t see with the new ones anyways. And the new ones make my eyes got nuts, so the old ones really work better. My new glasses should be in on Thursday when I go for my appointment, but I’m worried they won’t be strong enough either. Oh, well. Nothing I can do about it right now. We’ll see what happens on Thursday.

I’m determined to make this going-back-to-school thing work. I am going to get into Fredonia. I don’t care what it takes. (No I won’t sleep with the dean, but you get my idea.) I’m going to work my butt off and DO THIS! Like I told Manny, I don’t have the time and effort right now to put into a major relationship. So as crazy as Kaba is making me, I’m going to write her off. If she calls me and I have time, I’ll deal with her. But if she won’t make the effort, neither will I. I don’t have the time or energy to spare for that. She is working. That is all she is doing. She works and hangs out with Destiny. I’m working, going to school, trying to get into Fredonia, practicing oboe, and trying to keep my sanity. I don’t have time to babysit her and play these stupid games with her. I want her friendship, I really do. But I’m not going to bend over backwards to do everything for her. I just can’t anymore.

But the truth of the matter is, I need people. I don’t want to need them, but I do. I’m going to need someone around to help pick up the pieces when I fall apart, or allow me to safely release the stress. Manny would do that for me in a flash, if he was here. But he’s not here and this is his midterm week. I used to have other people who were there for me; Heather, Tim, Settle, but not anymore. Heather….well, she’s not going to be there for me. She’s proven that. I’m not sure I even trust her to be there for me. Tim….yeah, he’s not going to do a thing for me anymore. I wouldn’t even let him if he wanted to. Settle…..He might. But the fact remains that he’s halfway around the world. Kaba…..She’s not really there for me when I need her. I just don’t feel like I can count on her. Mike…..Yeah, he’s too busy with his own life. I don’t have a claim on his time or attention. But you know what? I shouldn’t need a “claim.” Maybe he should just be there for me when I need him. I needed him this week and he really wasn’t there for me. I’m too afraid of losing him to call him on it though. But he’s not mine to lose. Its just way too frustrating.

My point is I don’t have support for me. Not like I need it. Tim was probably the best thing in terms of supporting me. He was this gentle reminder (and frankly still is) that as much as I support others and work and do things, I need someone to take care of me. I need someone to just care about me.

I hate going to bed. I feel like a child, but I hate going to bed. My bed is empty and lonely. I can make it through the day and be fine. I can get through all my work and frustrations. But when night falls and its time to crawl into bed, I just don’t want to. Which is probably why I’ve been staying up so late. My bed is cold and lonely. I don’t really want sex, though it is nice. I just want someone to hold me as I’m falling asleep. I want someone to hold while I’m falling asleep. I want a warm body next to me, someone who cares about me. Someone who would miss me if I wasn’t there. Someone who would be strong for everyone else, and then at night, alone, would cry for me. my bed used to be safe and warm, a comforting spot, a dear friend. Now its the enemy, cold and hard, mocking my pain. I can repress the emptiness and loneliness during the day. But at night, when the only light comes from the snow reflecting the moon, everything comes pouring out. And my pillow is cold and poking me, keeping me awake while I fight to get to sleep, I fight to feel safe. The clock flicks through each painful lonely minute, angonizingly slow. And though the sorrow may last for the night, release comes with the morning……

I am thinking it’s a sign that the freckles
in our eyes are mirror images and when
we kiss they’re perfectly aligned
and I have to speculate that God himself
did make us into corresponding shapes like
puzzle pieces from the clay
true, it may seem like a stretch, but
its thoughts like this that catch my troubled
head when you’re away when I am missing you to death
when you are out there on the road for
several weeks of shows and when you scan
the radio, I hope this song will guide you home

they will see us waving from such great
heights, “come down now,” they’ll say
but everything looks perfect from far away,
“come down now,” but we’ll stay…

I tried my best to leave this all on your
machine but the persistent beat it sounded
thin upon listening
that frankly will not fly. you will hear
the shrillest highs and lowest lows with
the windows down when this is guiding you home

they will see us waving from such great
heights, “come down now,” they’ll say
but everything looks perfect from far away,
“come down now,” but we’ll stay…

Such Great Heights ~ Iron and Wine