Merry Christmas

So many thoughts, feelings, stuff going on. I really need to try and find time to recount all that has happened the past few weeks. I’ve been horrible about updating because I’ve been so busy and so miserable.

I spent some time with Manny and some of the old gang tonight – Settle, Lange, Kathleen and Russ. They went bowling and I watched and then to the diner. No bowling for me because I’m really afraid what it would do to my hand. I truly avoid things that might cause me pain like I’ve experienced this semester. But Manny and I of course, spent time talking in my driveway. Maybe two hours or so. And I got to thinking, never a good thing.

Am I ever going to be able to love the way I used to? I loved Matt and Tim and Danny so completely and all-consuming. It was almost painful, how much I loved them – how much I still love them all. But I’ve surpressed it and pushed it under and away. I never loved Manny the same way. I always kept one part of my heart protected from him. That’s part of why he and I didn’t work out in the end, although the number of reasons we didn’t work out are endless. I look at Manny now and I do care deeply about him. I can’t imagine life without his friendship and companionship. There are things he and Settle both know about me that no one else has any idea about. Corey says it in a Boy Meets World episode. “I’m not gonna kill you, Shawnie. It takes too much time to break in a new best friend.” And thats how I feel about Manny. But I never loved him the same way. And I don’t love Mike that way. I’m not even sure I really love him. But I’m afraid I’ve been broken too many times that I’ll never love the way I used to. There is something wonderful about with your first love. Love like that is so pure and perfect. There is no fear in that love. There is no pain associated with that love. To the rest of the us, love is synonomus with pain. Eventually, someone leaves and the one left behind has to deal with the pain. Whether that leaving takes place after 5 years of marriage, 5 months of dating or 50 years of living there is still pain, there is still leaving. So you protect yourself. You do whatever you can to ensure that no one hurts you as deep as the one before it.

What if I can’t love? What if I can never completely let go and love again? What if I’m so broken that it just will never happen for me?

What if, what if… These are not the usual ‘what if’ kind of questions. These are ‘trying to figure me out’ questions, the ones that only come out at 2am.

So Merry Christmas. I need to get some sleep.