Memories overtaking me

Heather posted something the other day on her OD. She hasn’t posted in months and I wouldn’t be surprised if she still reads this. HELLO OUT THERE! I don’t really care. But she must know that I still have her journal on my favorites. Maybe she doesn’t. But she posted this poem that I might have commented on, if it wasn’t her. She sounds upset and sad and I feel bad for her. I kinda wish we could still be friends. But she made a very clear decision to end that when she told Manny about Mike. Everything else I could have let go, but that.

Anyway, my point…..I wonder why she posted it after so long. Maybe she hasn’t posted because she hasn’t had a chance or blah blah blah. But OD was important to her, like it is to me. And I kinda don’t believe that she would jsut stop writing altogether. More likely, she has another diary I don’t know about. Which is fine. She has that right. But I didn’t want to leave this diary behind just because our friendship broke up. I have other friends who I have met on OD. I didn’t change mine. She did. No big. The question that is dancing in the back of my mind is why did she post that. Did she expect me to read it and actually care? Did she think I’d forgive her and forget everything that happened? I can forgive everything and get over all except when she told Manny. She had no right to do that. He’s my Manny and besides, it didn’t change who Manny and I are. He and I have been through too much that something like that wouldn’t break up apart. I don’t know if that’s what she expected.

Honestly, going back and thinking, I don’t know why she told him in the first place. She claims they were friends, but he told me they never talk anymore. Great friends. And she wasn’t she supposed to be my friend and be on my side? Huh. That all sounds like the arguments she was making with me. I was supposed to be on her side, not her family’s side. Shoe’s on the other foot, sweetheart. But I never broke a promise to her. I never even talked to her family about her problems or her secrets. She told me that I owed it to Manny to tell him. And she was right. I owed it. I should have told him. And I was going to. Eventually. This summer was just so strange for me. The past few years have been too. And Manny and I were in a good place. I didn’t want to ruin that. Besides the fact that he wasn’t my boyfriend and I didn’t have to tell him anything.

What about Brian? He is Manny’s best friend, his brother. If I should have expected anyone to stab me in the back, it should have been him. But he didn’t. Although he was pissed at me.

I told three people right after it happened. I didn’t expect any of them to tell Manny because I didn’t expect them to stab me in the back.
HEATHER – She was my best friend and closest confidant. She, at the time, was the only one who had met Mike. I never expected her to tell anyone.
MEGAN – C’mon, my sister? Besides the fact that she’s never been a big fan of Manny, she is 2,000 miles away. She never talks to any of my friends, let alone Manny.
BRIAN – Out of the three, he is the one who might have said something to Manny. But he didn’t. He kept his mouth shut and didn’t say a word. He’s always been like that, somehow able to keep his relationship with me seperate from his relationship with Manny.

Now, about 8 months later, Heather and I do not talk. Frankly I don’t want to talk to her. I don’t trust her. Besides that I can almost bet she doesn’t feel sorry for what she did. She can’t see that it was wrong. Brian is in Rome and our friendship has somehow fizzeled. Which really sucks cause he’s a great guy and a good friend. And I know what Kathleen said about him, that he never stops caring, but it feels like he doesn’t care anymore. I know he’s busy, I know he’s in Rome, but he’s called Manny and he’s called Kathleen. I don’t know who else he may have called, but I haven’t heard once from him. I don’t ask for much I really don’t. I emailed him about my grandfather, and I got nothing back. Even a two-line email saying sorry, that sucks, blah blah, anything…would have been fine. But I got nothing. Megan and I are still sisters. We always will be. We went through her countless boyfriends and flings, and I was always there for her. I don’t think she’s going to ditch me now. That’s not Megan.

And me and Manny? We are still great friends. The distance sucks and we don’t talk as much as we used to, but I think on some level thats ok. He’ll always be there for me and I’m always there for him. The person who I thought would be most hurt by all this, he and I are still great. I’m not sure what Heather hoped to accomplish by telling Manny, but she succeeded in losing two friends and all of our friends too. Russ asked about her once and my look of death told him not to mention it again.

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So where did this all come from? One – the fact that Heather posted that entry. It brings up old repressed emotions. Also, the fact that the holidays are coming and people are coming home from college. Brian will be around and so will Manny. And Manny will want to hang out. Which is fine. But I’m still upset and hurt with Brian. Things aren’t quite right between us. I always feel like I’m trying and he’s not doing anything. And I know, I know. With a friendship you shouldn’t have to try that hard. But because he’s so far away and we both so busy, you have to make some effort to contact each other. I’m not asking for an in-depth phone conversation every week, but an email or a postcard or even a five-minute phone conversation would be really nice. What do I get? Nothing. And it hurts and brings up sore emotions.

So the holidays are stressing me out already. Not to mention I have NO IDEA what to get anyone. Granted I haven’t been out really shopping, but I’m at a loss for what to get a single person. I should really start working on that. Oh, yeah and then what about the financial side of Christmas gifts? I have to make a list and set it all up.

Maybe I’ll just fade….

I try to breathe
Memories overtaking me
I try to face them but
the thought is too
Much to conceive

I only know that I can change
Everything else just stays the same
So now I step out of the darkness
That my life became ’cause

I just needed someone to talk to
You were just too busy with yourself
You were never there for me to
Express how I felt
I just stuffed it down
Now I’m older and I feel like
I could let some of this anger fade
But it seems the surface
I am scratching
Is the bed that I have made

So where were you
When all this I was going through
You never took the time to ask me
Just what you could do

I only know that I can change
Everything else just stays the same
So now I step out of the darkness
That my life became ’cause

I just needed someone to talk to
You were just too busy with yourself
You were never there for me to
Express how I felt
I just stuffed it down
Now I’m older and I feel like
I could let s