maybe we were here before
So much for writing every night. I should have known that was not going to happen. I still wish I had time to sit down and write out all the good things. There were so many good things. Only two really bad things. And many missed friends. I didn’t get to see everyone I wanted to see, but we don’t always get everything we want and thats okay.
I was talking with Sarah the other day and she commented that it sounded like my trip was incredibly dramatic and taxing. Except it really wasn’t. One of the bad things isn’t really a bad thing, its just complicated. I gave her a fast run-down of everything else I did and everyone else I saw and she was laughing at how much I managed to accomplish.
I stayed by my old college, walked around the music building and got to see the new rehearsal spaces. I saw my old barkeep, Dustin who is now a stay-at-home dad with two sons. I talked with Settle while driving to RIT to see James play his 200-year-old natural horn. Loves of my heart. Saw Laura Nelson, an amazing alphorn player who I’ve worked with before. Saw my cousin, Becca and her family. (Should I mention this is all in about twenty-four hours so far?) Played in church with my father, piano and oboe. Saw the old choir members and enjoyed fellowship with them all. Had Christmas with my parents and scored big with my dad’s books. Cooked with my mom and enoyed time around the fire. Cuddled with my dad. Had my hair cut and caught up with Karen, who has taken care of my hair since high school and at this point in my life is the only person I really trust to take scissors to my hair. Had lunch with my old pastor and talked about race issues in the denomination. Made two whole chickens for Nitta, Deedee, Gouda, Miles, Gina and my mom along with all manner of vegetables. Loved watching my mom play with Miles (he’s fourteen months old) and desperately wished I could give her grandchildren. Stayed up way too late chatting with Nitta and Gina but was so worth it. Had coffee with Nicole, a woman I knew in jr high. We caught up and had a fantastic time. Went up to my dad’s office and had lunch with him looking over the river, watching trains. He opened up to me a lot about the issues and problems in the law firm right now. He’s about to become one of two partners for the firm and a lot of responsibility is falling on his shoulders. The firm is struggling for all kinds of reasons and he spends a lot of time trying to figure it out. My mother said that years ago he went through something similar with the butcher shop and thinking about going back to school, but talked to no one about it. Back then she was terrified he was having an affair, but she knows know its just his process. Still, I love that he did open up to me. (I’m such a daddy’s girl!) I caught up with other people from the firm which was wonderful. Sharon and Joan, two of the secretaires both asked me directly about my dad. Which means a few thing to me – he’s under enough pressure and stress that others are noticing and are worried, but also that there are people around him who care very deeply for him. They weren’t asking for their jobs or the future of the firm, but wanted to know how he was doing personally and how he was handling things. His secretary also just quit and he’s been kind of an ass to her lately, in only the way that my mother and I can truly understand. So I was able to reassure her and comfort her without breaking confidences. My dad can be an ass sometimes but in an odd way, it was nice to know he doesn’t do it just to me and my mother. Back on topic – Had a pizza and beer night with Gina, Nathan and eventually Heather with a roaring fire in the fireplace again.
This is one of the bad moments. The short end of the story for right now is that Heather got blind drunk and somewhat ruined the evening. Nathan ended up calling out of work so that he could stay and help me take care of her. He told me at one point he was doing this for me and not her, that I was such a better person than he was. That situation with Heather spiraled over the following days and I’m just done. She sucks everything out of me and I have nothing left to give. I felt guilty yet again for living my own life instead of staying near her to… I don’t know what she expects me to do besides just fix everything for her. I can’t be her entire life. I have my own. The result is that I’m done and I’ve ended our relationship. I can’t sustain the friendship anymore. A long time ago, someone once told me that there are no such things as bad friends. Friends are supposed to be good or they aren’t friends. He was talking about Heather and his words have always rung in my head. There are not bad friends. They aren’t friends then. I’m a little sad that something that has been through so much has finally broken, but I feel incredible release as well. I’m not one to unfriend/defriend people on Facebook that hastily. I’ve done it twice in the last six months – to Mike and to Heather. I just can’t anymore. I’ve deleted them from my phones and have not kept their numbers tucked away someplace ‘just in case’. I’m done.
Thursday my mother and I went shopping and I got new bras and new shoes, including my first pair of Michael Kors shoes. They are oh so pretty and I love them. I’m not huge into high fashion or name brands, but these are just…. lovely. Very very happy. And I have a life now where I feel much more justified in having nice things. I can take care of them and I look good in them. My mom and I had a lovely day too. That evening was dinner with Manny at Don Giovanni’s and drinks in Brooklyn. It was perfect and wonderful and amazing. Friday morning was wonderful too. We ended up having sex, although that sounds incredibly crude. Making love isn’t the right phrase either but a lot closer. Incredibly, it was our first time with each other. For how much we’ve been through and how long we’ve been through it, we’ve never had sex. I also stopped it. I wasn’t ready to do that with him. And something was different Friday morning. Bah, I can’t get into it all right now. Although I do want to mention that he said something incredibly male and stupid at the train station before I left. After we were done in bed, I saw him starting to think and overthink. I didn’t want to have ‘the talk’ at that point. I was afraid we’d end up fighting and it would ruin and taint what had just happened. I wasn’t trying to avoid the talk completely; I just wanted to postpone it. I wasn’t ready for it either. But at the train station, he said "Well, I’m glad thats done." It was male and stupid and not at all what he meant, which I knew but it still hurt. My response was to merely raise my eyebrows because I really had no words. He immediately felt terrible and horrible and began apologizing. We had about three minutes left. I told him not to worry about it, because I didn’t want to spend our last three minutes together arguing and fighting. But once on the train and out of the city, he texted me and apologized again. I told him, yes it really hurt and we would talk about it at some point. But that the trip was perfect and wonderful and no regrets.
The regrets have come later. But they’re not entirely regrets. I just wish it was less complicated. I’ll get to that later.
Friday night I was supposed to leave but it was snowing, so I ended up staying an additional night. It was perfect because I did want to spend my last night at home with my parents around the fire. Saturday morning I went to get air pressure in my tires and they ended up doing a little more work on my car, which took longer and I left later. But I still got to see Mouse for a few hours and loved seeing her again. Sunday I spent the day with Sarah and Nathan and their puppies. I left a little later than I should have, but I didn’t care.
The craziest part of the whole trip was Monday morning. I had gotten into my apartment around 2:30 in the morning and did spend an hour unpacking my car and a number of my things. I was still awake and rearing to get back to work at eight am that morning. I came into work excited to be back. I’ve never been happy to come back to Michigan and go back to work. Leaving New York has always been torture and heart-wrenching and involving tears and gnashing of teeth. This time it didn’t hurt so much. I was happy to be back with my co-workers. I was happy to see my choir and David and Sarah. I’m really doing great.
Except the man I love and want to spend the rest of my life with is almost eight hundren miles away. I don’t want to leave here. I don’t want him to leave there. I wish I could move earth and put our locations closer. People say when you know you just know. I’ve never been one to entirely trust my emotions or my decisions. And I’m still wary and worrying. But with each passing moment and day, I feel more and more sure. But its not that easy. And he’s not ready either. It took him a long time to get over me the first time and he’s not able to bend that way again easily. We are both very worried about hurting each other. I’m not worried about being hurt because I know its going to happen. I’ve learned how to get through that. Yet the last thing I want to do is hurt him. If walking away guarantees that I don’t hurt him, I will summon the strength and stamina and walk away. Megan asked me two questions a while back. She asked me if I was willing to take a bullet for him. The answer was an immediate yes, but there are numerous people I’d jump in front of a bullet for. There are people that I love so much, I would take their punishment so they might live. She said those were all fine and well, but they were on the passive side or reactionary. She asked if I would take hostages, plan heists, threaten, kill and do it all knowing I’d go to jail or be killed myself in order to save him. She said she would walk into an OR and force a doctor to take her organs and kill her to save her children and her husband. Its a hypothetical, though there have been movies made on the premise. At that point I didn’t know the answer. I do now. I would burn the countryside to the ground to save his life. I would kill, steal and destroy my own life if it meant he could live. Its a hypothetical, but its still a truth. I have never felt like this before and it terrifies me while at the same time is so steady and sure that I’m at a loss.
Of course, its not all that easy. And I don’t know what happens next or what to do.
All I see
Lying there in front of me
Maybe we were here before
I just didn’t wanna believe
But in all that time we never talked
You wrote it down so I couldn’t ignore it
This is the way you want it to be
This is the way you want it to be
Oh, this is the way you want it to be
Guess you don’t want me
We had love
Always thought it would be enough
Oh, but then it goes away
But I don’t really wanna give up
It feels like hell to let you walk
Bet it all down but I couldn’t afford it
This is the way you want it to be
This is the way you want it to be
Oh, this is the way you want it to be
Guess you don’t want me
And I never really said it before
But I really should have given you so much more
But this is the way you want it to be
This is the way you want it to be
Oh, this is the way you want it to be
Guess you don’t want me
Guess you don’t want me
No
Guess you don’t want me
Yeah, you don’t want
Guess you don’t want
Me
The Way ~ Matchbook 20