make me think beautiful unexpected thoughts

I still really miss Mike. I’m still only half a step away from a nervous breakdown. I want to know what people are thinking. I want to know intentions and reasons behind their actions.

Ok, enough randomness.

People at work have accused Ryan and I of acting like a couple, or at least flirting in that direction. LeeAndra put it perfectly though. I don’t want to be a teacher. He’s never had a serious girlfriend. Its not that I think he’ll make a bad boyfriend or he’ll be clueless, but there’s an awkwardness that comes with your first serious relationship. There’s a learning curve, one I’ve already started to slide down. I’m not saying I’m perfect, but I don’t want to be a teacher – emotionally, physically or sexually. I did the off-balance first relationship where you figure stuff out. I don’t want to do it again. Especially with someone like Ryan, someone I’m such good friends with. If we were to try anything and it not work out, things would change forever. Its not the only reason, but it is a part of it. This relationship would never be something to be entered into casually. But Ryan does act different around me and especially when we’re alone. Especially as of late, he’s been really sweet (for Ryan) and goofy on a different level than usual. He and I went shopping the other day. He drove like a maniac and I thought the van was going to flip; I was so scared and a little mad. Underneath that I was impressed he didn’t cause an accident or anything. He really does have good control over his car. Terrifying exhiliration. We went to Sam’s Club and I ended up dragging the huge flatbed cart all over the store. There was a man who saw us and laughed at me, trying to pull this heavy cart. He made some joke about me driving while Ryan just walks around. It was innocent and funny and we all laughed. But after we had gone through the checkout, Ryan offered to buy me a frozen soda. He said it in exchange for pushing the cart, but there was something else there. It had that air of boyfriend-buying-something-for-girlfriend. He’s done it before too – buying me lunch and not letting me pay. We sat inside Sam’s for a few minutes before going into Walmart. Nothing more really happened. Well, nothing specific, but there was that strange feeling that there was something just below the surface. No words or looks or anything obvious as that, but something in the atmosphere around me. I adore him, but for all my reasons above I don’t want to attempt anything. He’s also going to Colorado for school this year, so he’ll be far away and busy. Both of us will be busy. It just wouldn’t work.

Of course there is that part of me that wonders if it would. This is where I wish I knew what he was thinking. I have no idea if he has any feelings for me at all. Maybe it is all in my head, but I just don’t know. Last night we went to Steve’s ice hockey game with Brandon, Justin, LeeAndra and some other people from camp. Brandon drove and Ryan and I sat in the back. The ride over was relatively normal. Ryan was making noises, but soft enough that I was really the only one who heard them. At one point, I know Brandon heard him because he turned to me and asked “Doesn’t that get annoying?” I shrugged and told him I’ve learned to pick my battles and I’m getting mroe and more used to it. The game was good. Steve’s team lost, but it was a lot of fun. Justin and I got a chance to catch up on stuff and we all gossiped about the drama at work. It was really good to just have some fun down time. On the ride back I was so exhausted. I leaned over against Ryan and just about fell asleep. Brandon was playing Counting Crows and Ryan wasn’t really making any annoying sounds. They were almost more like comfort sounds to me. Soft, low and pleasing. So I dozed on and off. Justin asked me if I wanted to go to the diner and I said sure. But then I fell asleep again and the plans changed. When I got back to reality, I asked Ryan which diner we were going to. His answer was “Just go back to sleep.” So I did. I think they were trying to figure out what the plan was. They decided to watch some movie, so Brandon dropped me off at home.

It’s nice but frustrating. Sometimes Ryan will do things that make me think one way, and then he’ll do something else that makes me think the other way. And Mike comes into this confusing equation for two reasons. One – He’s going to be home soon and its stressing me a little (makes me grateful for how busy I am). Two – I don’t know where I stand with Ryan the same way I never know where I stand with Mike. My feelings for Mike were getting deeper and serious, but without knowing his feelings. My feelings for Ryan are nowhere near that deep or serious, but there’s possibility in both cases. And its frustrating.

Add to all that being sick with this cold that might be allergies but I just can’t shake, having no time whatsoever to write and get stuff off my chest, having no time to sleep, my grandfather still doing poorly (plans are made now with a clause – only if he doesn’t die on that date), church being absolutly crazy, trying to get my head wrapped around the situation with Heather and her family and where I want to stand with them, needing to do 16 million things in the mere 51840 minutes (give or take a few) before school starts and missing my friends – online and real – so much.

This song made me burst into tears today because it makes me think of Ryan and Mike all at the same time. It was just too much for me to take.

My biggest fear……no one will ever see every side of me.

facing your front door
the one you hide behind
your fight with bedroom eyes
well i proudly wear mine

the entrance that i make
will fall so short of grand
a hopeful knock sounds tired
before my hopeful plans

you put your hand in mine
it fits so perfectly
your whispers between kisses
show me all that i could be

please make me not so crazy
make me fall apart
make me think beautiful unexpected thoughts
i should mean more

i trace every curve
on your precious face
and pray some day you’ll beg me
to beg you run away

please make me not so crazy
make me fall apart
make me think beautiful unexpected thoughts
i should mean more

i should mean more
i should mean more
i should mean more

I Should Mean More ~ Jamisonparker