look to the western sky

I love my suite. I really do. The girls are really great and we all get along for the most part. There are the 9 o’clock crazies when all of us just seem to flip out for some reason. All of our doors will be open and we’ll be watching the same show in our respective rooms, yelling back and forth. We’ve started a book of sayings: 206 Sayings, Spring 2006. We come up with some of the craziest sayings at 2 in the morning.

I’m trying not to be lonely, and my suitemates are helping with that a lot. I’m also trying to put myself out and meet people, which has been successful and not so successful sometimes. Its a balancing act. I’m going home next week, which I’m really looking forward to. I’m almost more looking forward to coming back here from home. It won’t be unfamiliar and scary this time around.

But I’m really trying not to be lonely and depressed. Its a lot easier to focus my lonliness on my music when I’m here too. I met this guy today named Andrew. It is one of those great this-is-how-we-met stories. I had come out of my Aural Skills class and was talking to Claire. She had just walked away and I was contemplating if I would go back to the room and just go to bed, or if I would spend some time practicing. My classes were done for the day. There was someone standing behind me addressing someone walking towards both me and him. “I still can’t find a piano player! I don’t know what I’m going to do for recital.” He sounded desperate and pretty upset. I took pity on him and turned, saying, “Let me see your music.” His jaw just dropped and he couldn’t speak for a moment. As my mom put it, I was probably like an angel dropped from heaven. He was a vocalist, and the piece wasn’t really all that demanding. I wanted to sit at a piano, but I told him I could probably play for him. His gratitude brought to mind Brian when I agree to play for his NYSSMA solos. So I spent the afternoon practicing with him and alone for his recital studio class. He is a really nice guy and has a decent voice. His vocal professor also asked me if I would be willing to play for him this semester. We talked about availability and such. So I got a friend and a good possibility of some income this semester.

I had a good night with Dana in the laundry room, doing laundry and talking about things. When Mel and Jenn got back from the townhouses we hung out and talked until 2 in the morning. So I was feeling really comfortable and happy and content. I walked into my dorm to come to bed, and the light from the door falls on Jess’s bed. Harrison and Jess are there, which is really not a big deal. But they looked adorable and peaceful. He is lying on his back and she’s cuddled up to his chest. They both looked so relaxed and happy, fast asleep.

I realize how I am still lonely, but not homesick-lonely. I hate that empty bed feeling. Andrew was so grateful today to me for playing piano. I know he has a girlfriend, and I’m honestly not sure he’s my type. Besides the fact that I don’t want to break anyone up. But for a few hours, he basically adored me. I’m an attention whore sometimes. I just want it anyway I can get it. And now seeing Harrison and Jess lying like that, I just miss being loved and cared for like that.

I’ve been listening to Wicked so much lately. Some of the songs have really affected me. They are about other things than what they mean to me, but that doesn’t change how they make me feel. I’m getting mad when I feel that weakness of being lonely. Its not a weakness, but it makes me feel weak. One particular song makes me think of Heather and high school and my dreams back then as opposed to my dreams now. I see Heather as Glinda, I’m Elphaba and the citizens are our friends.

GLINDA
(spoken) Elphaba – why couldn’t you have stayed calm for
once, instead of flying off the handle!
(sung) I hope you’re happy!
I hope you’re happy now
I hope you’re happy how you
Hurt your cause forever
I hope you think you’re clever!

ELPHABA
I hope you’re happy
I hope you’re happy, too
I hope you’re proud how you
Would grovel in submission
To feed your own ambition

BOTH
So though I can’t imagine how
I hope you’re happy right now

GLINDA
(spoken) Elphie, listen to me. Just say you’re sorry:
(sung) You can still be with the Wizard
What you’ve worked and waited for
You can have all you ever wanted:

ELPHABA
(spoken) I know:
(sung) But I don’t want it –
No – I can’t want it
Anymore:

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I’m through with playing by the rules
Of someone else’s game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It’s time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!

It’s time to try
Defying gravity
I think I’ll try
Defying gravity
And you can’t pull me down!

GLINDA
Can’t I make you understand?
You’re having delusions of grandeur:

ELPHABA
I’m through accepting limits
‘Cuz someone says they’re so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I’ll never know!
Too long I’ve been afraid of
Losing love I guess I’ve lost
Well, if that’s love
It comes at much too high a cost!

I’d sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I’m defying gravity
And you can’t pull me down:

(spoken) Glinda – come with me. Think of what we could
do: together.

(sung) Unlimited
Together we’re unlimited
Together we’ll be the greatest team
There’s ever been
Glinda –
Dreams, the way we planned ’em

GLINDA
If we work in tandem:

BOTH
There’s no fight we cannot win
Just you and I
Defying gravity
With you and I
Defying gravity

ELPHABA
They’ll never bring us down!
(spoken) Well? Are you coming?

GLINDA
I hope you’re happy
Now that you’re choosing this

ELPHABA
(spoken) You too
(sung) I hope it brings you bliss

BOTH
I really hope you get it
And you don’t live to regret it
I hope you’re happy in the end
I hope you’re happy, my friend:

ELPHABASo if you care to find me
Look to the western sky!
As someone told me lately:
“Ev’ryone deserves the chance to fly!”
And if I’m flying solo
At least I’m flying free
To those who’d ground me
Take a message back from me

Tell them how I am
Defying gravity
I’m flying high
Defying gravity
And soon I’ll match them in renown
And nobody in all of Oz
No Wizard that there is or was
Is ever gonna bring me down!

GLINDA
I hope you’re happy!

CITIZENS OF OZ
Look at her, she’s wicked!
Get her!

ELPHABA
Bring me down!

CITIZENS OF OZ
No one mourns the wicked
So we’ve got to bring her

ELPHABA
Ahhh!

CITIZENS OF OZ
Down!

WICKED