kinda drifting into the abstract
Twelve in12
Reading: The Game of Kings ~ Dorothy Dunnett
Finished: Mirror, Mirror ~ Gregory Macguire
Date:Tuesday, 11/6/2007Mood Level:DepressedSeverity:Mild (without significant imparment)Anxiety:2=ModerateIrritability:1=MildHours Slept:7 HoursMedication:Opps!</I
Date:Wednesday, 11/7/2007Time:9:14pmMood Level:NormalSeverity:NormalAnxiety:2=ModerateIrritability:1=MildHours Slept:5 HoursMedication:100mg Lamictal
Still don’t want to write.
It’s doing this snow/rain/lake snow/icing thing outside. Been like that all day. I’d really prefer it just snow, but if they can’t handle that, I’d rather they not keep switching back and forth. Either way, its cold all the time. And windy. The wind hits my door and its pushes in and out, creaking and scaring me. Not like “They’re coming to get me” scared. The there’s-a-sudden-noise-I’m-not-ready-for scared.
Rob came over for lunch yesterday and I let my hair down a little bit. I can’t just let my tongue roll around people. I don’t trust Baboon because I don’t know what she might repeat. Sarah just doesn’t quite share my sense of humor sometimes. Not that she doesn’t think I’m funny, but we don’t meld like that. I don’t know why, but we just don’t. I feel so comfortable around Rob. And not in a I-want-to-sleep-with-him kind of way. In a good-friend-who-gets-me kind of way. He’s not as helpless as Baboon makes him out to be. I think he still has a lot to learn, but so do I. He’s going to fall on his face a few times, and so will I. But I think part of it is knowing your shortcomings and just accepting them. Baboon’s perfect, so she has no faults as far as she can see. Rob also gets annoyed about hearing about Baboon and Mark. If I have to hear her compare her and Mark to me and Mike or me and Manny one more time, I’m going to scream. I don’t need her advice or stories. I just want a sympathetic ear. Which Rob was able to do. I just love hanging out with him. So that made me feel good.
Except I didn’t go to class. Opps!
I also had phone therapy yesterday. We talked about dependency and crutches and Manny and our relationship. I have absolutly no reference for how to deal with him and me. There doesn’t seem to be a movie or book or anything that deals with what he and I are doing. How do you be friends with an ex, especially when one of you is bipolar? I’m back to wanting to walk away from him. Well, that’s not really true. I’m just back to wanting to have some time off from him. Seriously, like friends off for a few months or something. He needs to realize I don’t use him as a crutch. I need his support, but that’s different from being a crutch. I want to sort everything out in my head and try to talk to him. I’m just not sure I can do it. He’s like my father. I can make the most perfect explainations and arguments in my head and to other people. Once I’m in front of them, everything in my head goes out the window. I want to write him an email or a letter or something. I need some space, some distance, something. I’m not even sure what I need from him.
I’m in a little bit of a bitchy mood, so this is my mood right now.
I’m becoming less defined as days go by
Fading away
And well you might say
I’m losing focus
Kinda drifting into the abstract
In terms of how I see myself
Sometimes I think I can see right through myself
Sometimes I think I can see right through myself
Sometimes I can see right through myself
Less concerned about fitting into the world
Your world, that is
Cause it doesn’t really matter anymore
No it doesn’t really matter anymore
No it doesn’t really matter anymore
None of this really matters anymore
Yes I am alone
But then again I always was
As far back as I can tell
I think maybe it’s because
Because you were never really real to begin with
I just made you up to hurt myself
I just made you up to hurt myself, yeah
And I just made you up to hurt myself
I just made you up to hurt myself, yeah
And I just made you up to hurt myself
And it worked.
Yes it did!
There is no you
There is only me
There is no you
There is only me
There is no fucking you
There is only me
There is no fucking you
There is only me
Only only only only
Well the tiniest little dot caught my eye
and it turned out to be a scab
And I had this funny feeling like I just knew it’s something bad
I just couldn’t leave it alone
I kept picking at the scab
It was a doorway trying to seal itself shut
But I climbed through
Now I am somewhere I am not supposed to be
And I can see things I know I really shouldn’t see
And now I know why, now, now, now I know why
Things aren’t as pretty
On the inside
There is no you
There is only me
There is no you
There is only me
There is no fucking you
There is only me
There is no fucking you
There is only me
Only only only only only only only only
Only ~ Nine Inch Nails