just keep me where the light is

I cannot believe how great he’s been this weekend.  How many times I text and say I’m freaking out over something and he’s there, the best he can be.  He called this morning on his way to work and so I texted him back, just saying things had gone nuts at the hotel and I really wished I could see him.  He managed to call for a few minutes when I got out of work and we talked while I drove home.  It wasn’t a complicated intense conversation for once, just a "how was your day" kind of talk.  

Something happened over the weekend, and I can’t quite figure out if Ann was the reason or just a part of it.  He said he couldn’t get into it all while he was at work, but that it was really insane and he was upset most of Saturday and Sunday.  I told him I didn’t mean to be making anything worse and he said I absolutely wasn’t.  He does want to talk later this week and laid out his work schedule, and told me he has group therapy on Tuesday then goes out to eat.  Thats a lot of information for him to share without pulling teeth.

Right now, I’m trying to walk this fine line between demanding to know what happened over the weekend (like a crazy person) or completely ignoring absolutely everything about it (like a caged crazy person).  I want to know but I do not want to push him.  It feels like he does want to tell me, but at the same time, I feel like there’s something he’s holding back.  I just don’t know if he’s holding back because of timing or something else.  Its hard to talk when you’re at work or only have a few minutes and I get that.  So I’m trying to just wait.

I really would like my life to settle down for a bit though.  Find a routine, a stride.  It feels like every time things are about to even out, something explodes and I’m running to keep up.  Honestly, I don’t want a vacation.  I just want a little stability.  A little boredom.  A little calmness.  I think that is a real frustration I have with the hotel.  It always feels like we’re on this huge roller coaster…. no.  Because you can get off roller coasters.  You can step out and back and take a breath.  I feel like we’re on a tiny boat in a huge ocean.  The waves are rolling and the boat is heaving from side to side.  Not a storm really.  Just gigantic waves and we’re just in this tiny boat.  The choices are to stick it out and ride the waves or to jump overboard.  Except unless a roller coaster, you can’t step off and then step back on.

Wow.

My analogies are really god-awful this past week.  That wasn’t the worst, but it was pretty close.

I don’t think I’ve lasted a night this past week without breaking down in tears over one thing or another.  I’m hoping tonight will break the cycle.  I think things are settled at work for the moment.  I’m not as terrified about losing my job although I’m still going to get chewed out by Becca on Friday I’m sure.  But Mike’s also not working tonight.  He’s on days this week so I highly doubt he’ll be up and having long intense conversations about children and life.

That’s my goal for tonight.  No tears a work.  We’ll see how that works out…

Gravity is working against me
And gravity wants to bring me down

Oh I’ll never know what makes this man
With all the love that his heart can stand
Dream of ways to throw it all away

Oh Gravity is working against me
And gravity wants to bring me down

Oh twice as much ain’t twice as good
And can’t sustain like a one half could
It’s wanting more that’s gonna send me to my knees

Oh gravity, stay the hell away from me
And gravity has taken better men than me, now how can that be?

Just keep me where the light is
Just keep me where the light is
Just keep me where the light is
C’mon keep me where the light is
C’mon keep me where the light is
Oh… where the light is!

Gravity ~ John Mayer