jettisoned to the center of the storm

Twelve in12

Reading
The Game of Kings ~ Dorothy Dunnett
Pride and Prejudice ~ Jane Austen
Sentimental Education ~ Gustave Flaubert

Finished
Mirror, Mirror ~ Gregory Macguire
Witchling ~ Yasmine Galenorn
Changeling ~ Yasmine Galenorn
Something Wicked ~ Catherine Mulvany
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince ~ J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows ~ J.K. Rowling
Myst: Book of Atrus ~ Rand Miller, Robyn Miller and David Wingrove

It’s my party, and I’ll cry if I want to
Cry if I want to, cry if I want to
You would cry too if it happened to you

My 24th birthday and I had a huge major brain-melting midterm! That was so unfair. I wanted to get it done as soon as she posted it, but I just didn’t have enough energy. I didn’t go to bed until nearly 5am yesterday morning, or this morning… God I don’t even know what day it is anymore! I just know I didn’t get much sleep last night and I’m not sleeping well down here. My grandmother keeps the apartment SOOO warm! Even for Florida! And the bed isn’t mine, so therefore its uncomfortable and the blankets aren’t right and Eeyore isn’t there and… Yeesh, I’m crabby! I’ve been pretty irritable all day long. Everything seems to annoy me or get under my skin. Thankfully I’m aware of it, so I’m trying to keep my temper in check. But today is just not a good day! I mean, yes it was my birthday and I’m trying to enjoy myself – but that test put a huge raincloud over the day. And besides the fact that I stayed up until 5am Sunday night trying to get ready for it. I’m so exhausted and I’m actually homesick. I’ve been homesick before, but never for college. I was homesick in Michigan, but I wanted to go to my parents house. Now I want my apartment, my couch, my TV, my bed, my Eeyore, my kitchen, my coffee, MY TOWN!

I actually heard from The Guy finally. I sent him an email, non-threatening but saying I was upset that I hadn’t heard from him. He wrote back and said that he’s been living in his head a lot the past week, questioning if he’s on the right path and if this is what he really wanted. I get that. I did that. He said that I was one of the few reasons why he wanted to get back to school. He wasn’t excited about classes or really much else. I feel bad for him and I wish there was something I could do, but I really can’t do much. He needs to figure this out on his own. I miss him so much it almost hurts. I just want to be near him. Not having him around makes me more homesick for something I don’t even have yet. Gah! This class was supposed to make me stop thinking about him. I still have two weeks before I see him.

Today is just a bad day. Yesterday was a little better. Church was nice, though I miss my church. The pastor talked about how he feels like he often doesn’t know what he’s doing. He doesn’t know if his sermons make an impact or not. He doesn’t know if this is really what he should be doing. But then he’ll have that one person who comes up to him with tears in their eyes and tell him how much they heard the sermon. Its those moments when he knows his sermons, his work really does matter. I get that feeling because I often wonder if my playing really does any good. Am I really contributing to the world? Then I’ll have that one person from the audience or congregation come up and tell me how much the music touched them. And I know my job is important. So it was a good sermon. After church, GW had her Supper Club over for a special birthday party for me and her. They were so funny and enjoyable, albiet a little deaf sometimes. Sunday afternoon and night I spent studying and then all of a sudden it was my birthday.

There’s nothing wrong! This was a fun day, besides this annoying test. I had phone calls, emails, text messages and Facebook messages with birthday wishes. I got to go out with both grandmothers to a really yummy Italian restaurant – the Mom and Pop kind of place that you know is amazing the moment you walk in the door. They didn’t charge us for the dessert, as it was my birthday. I just turned in my test about an hour ago, which is twelve hours early. Today was a fine day! There’s nothing wrong!

But I can’t stop crying. I refused to let myself cry until the exam was taken care of, and now I can’t stop. It started this afternoon at GM’s condo. We were having coffee and leftover birthday cake, just me and the grandmas. They sang Happy Birthday to me in their watery old lady voices. For whatever damn reason, I wanted to burst into tears. I don’t know why! There’s no reason!

Sure, GW has been annoying me because she doesn’t remember a lot of things and often forgets her hearing aid. And being around GM is like walking on eggshells. Crystal eggshells! You never know what might set her off. As my mother says, she just flaps her gums sometimes. But still. She started in on my cousin again. I’ve already heard her call his new wife plain and homey, but today she actually called Mary ugly! I’m just so sick of her judging everyone and everything. She was looking through my pictures from the wedding, most of which were candid and not taken very well! She kept saying the people in the picture were horrible because of their expressions. Some of them were funny or odd, but that’s what you get when you are just snapping a camera and not asking people to turn and smile. But rather than say the picture is funny or ugly, she says the person has a horrible smile or ugly face or whatever.

Ok, ok….I didn’t want to rant about the grandmothers. I think I just need some quality Rory alone time. I with my parents for Christmas and then only had a few days at home before I flew to Florida. I also think I’m getting to that age where I can’t spend this much time with GW without a buffer. She used to be the buffer between me and GM, but now I need a buffer from her. My mother said that she thinks I’ve just been here too long, which is partly true. But whenever my mother comes down, she always has her sister here. My grandmother is exhausting! Just all her confusion about some things which means I have to explain them to her all over again.

I miss my apartment, I miss cooking, I miss The Guy. I started thinking about him the other day (cause I’m rarely thinking about him) and about my feelings concerning the situation. One thing I’ve always admired in Manny is his determination and willing to fight for the girl he wants. Granted, I didn’t think it was so admirable when he was fighting for me, but that’s a different matter. I haven’t met a guy I’d be willing to fight for since Matt. I lost Tim and I fought everything that happened, but I never really fought for him. I never chased after him or anything. I never attemptedto force him to see how much I loved him, how much that could have worked. I fought for Matt. And on some levels, I won that battle. But on other levels, I lost. Either way, I’ve never fought for a guy (even against himself) since Matt. Honestly, there hasn’t been a guy I felt was worth fighting for. I mean, I had crushes and dates and daydreams. But no one that I thought might actually work. No one that I felt was worth fighting for. I’m starting to think The Guy is worth it. If he comes back to school and then says he’s not staying, what will I do? What about if he doesn’t even come back? Do I go to Canada and fight for him? Maybe not for him to go back to school, but for him to be in my life. I don’t know.

But considering its almost 2am, I think I should go to bed.

Two to one
Static to the sound of you and I
Undone for the last time
And there this was
Hiding at the bottom of your swimming pool
Some September
And don’t you think I wish I could stay
Your lips give you away

I can hear it
The jet engine through the center of the storm
And I’m thinking I’d prefer not to be rescued

Two to none
Roads that lead away from this
I’m following myself just this once
And I’ve got spun
It appears you’re spun as well
It happens when you pay attention
This could take all year

But When it’s quiet, does she hear me?
Jettisoned to the center of the storm
And I’m thinking I’d prefer not to be rescued

Oh, I can feel her
She’s dying just to keep me cool
I’m finally numb
So please don’t get me rescued…
Rescued…

And it’s unclear
But this may be my last song
Oh, I, I can tell
She’s raising hell to give to me
She got me warm
So please don’t get me rescued
Oh, say you’ll miss me one last time
I’ll be strong, but whatever you do
Please don’t get me rescued…

‘Cause I’m feeling like
I might need to be near you
And I feel alright, so please
Don’t get me rescued…

Rescued ~ Jack’s Mannequin