i’ve swallowed all my pride

As I sit here, I started to think of something. I don’t have a crutch. I don’t have anyone who is there for me. In high school, I had plenty of friends and “best friends” to lean on. But I’m older, wiser, colder and more cynical. I don’t trust easily. And right now, there is a lot of fucking shit on my plate. And I have to be a support to a lot of other people, whether they are near or far, I’m being their crutch. I remember Tim once asked me who I leaned on. The truth is I wasn’t leaning on anyone. He helped me, allowed me to use him as a crutch. And Manny helped somewhat after that. But I’m trying to let Manny go somewhat. And I don’t have anyone to talk to about all the crap in my head. All the stuff about CK. All the stuff about my music. I feel like I’m going through a lot of this on my own. My parents are great, don’t get me wrong – but they have each other. And they have their own stresses. I don’t have someone to lean on, or rather I feel like I have no one. Jenny doesn’t count because we pay her to listen to me bitch.

Scary thing is the line of my sanity is starting to blur.

Can’t you see that I’m sick of this?
Chances are you’re oblivious to how I feel
Sitting on your throne, and I’m sure that I’m not alone,
Not alone, not alone.

Tell me please,
Who the fuck did you want me to be?
Was there something that I couldn’t see?
Never knew this would be so political.
And please, I’m still wearing this miserable skin
And it’s starting to tear from within
But it’s obvious that doesn’t bother you, so please

I didn’t think that you’d sell me out
Now I know what you’re all about.
You might feel in control of things.
But you’re not holding all the strings.
All the strings, all the strings.

I’ve swallowed all your insults
I’ve swallowed all my pride
You used up all your chances
Can’t keep this all inside

So please don’t be telling me that it’s ok
I don’t buy all the shit that you say
And quite honestly I’m fucking sick of it
so please if I cut off this nose from my face
Then I wouldn’t feel so out of place
But it still wouldn’t be quite enough for you,
so please.

Please ~ Staind

DarkClouds

November 5, 2005

Perhaps it is good that for now you have nobody to lean on, so that later, when you do have somebody, you know that you don’t NEED them, that you can make it on your own. Just a thought. ~WEAVER

Shazar

November 6, 2005

It’s ironic that we’ve spent our lives being there for others, and in so doing, have learned to stand on our own, shown that we are capable always, or even worse, isolated ourselves from helping hands. And it’s ironic that both our mindsets would coincide time wise. I just finished writing about the issue of trust, and how one failing with seems to have taken something sacred away from me.

I have no crutch, I have no support save my own sometimes warped sense of reality and life. And the hardest lesson I’ve had to learn is that it’s easy to give and give until there is nothing else; the most difficult task is learning to be gracious about receiving help back; it’s learning that even if you can fend for yourself, you have always have to.

I’ve never looked down on my friends, or felt them inferior; still I realized that they weren’t the strongest of characters all the time. I came to believe that when absolutely necessary, they might fail me. I’m still learning to step away from that idea, because they are capable of helping, I just may be to prideful to accept their help; I’m just too use to always being their support.

Well, I can’t offer much more than a sympathetic, unbiased ear. But that’s yours, if you want it. ~WEAVER

RYN: You didn’t sound bitchy, and I understand completely how you feel. No worries. ~WEAVER

jobsta

November 8, 2005

Rory I think that you are stronger then you give yourself credit for but I think that you know that yourself also. I know what you mean though, having someone who actually wants to listen to you is awesome.I’m looking for that person also. I think it has more to do with them wanting to listen than what they are actually listening to. The person will come along Rory,probs when you least expect it.