its must be nice to finish

Twelve in12

Reading
Queen’s Play ~ Dorothy Dunnett
Pride and Prejudice ~ Jane Austen
Sentimental Education ~ Gustave Flaubert
Finished
Mirror, Mirror ~ Gregory Macguire
Witchling ~ Yasmine Galenorn
Changeling ~ Yasmine Galenorn
Something Wicked ~ Catherine Mulvany
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince ~ J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows ~ J.K. Rowling
Myst: Book of Atrus ~ Rand Miller, Robyn Miller and David Wingrove
The Game of Kings ~ Dorothy Dunnett

My luck really sucked today, though I managed to turn some of it around. The temperature was bearable last night so I actually got some real sleep. But that also meant I was able to turn off both alarms without waking up and slept in until 3pm. I guess my body decided 12 hours of sleep was just not quite enough. So I didn’t start my day until after 3pm. Not a big deal. It meant I didn’t get to the gorcery store until nearly 10pm. Again, not a big deal. The AC in my car and in the store felt really good. Of course, it started pouring while I was inside. Which was another good thing. The rain means the temperature will start to drop. Of course, it also seperated me from my car. I waited to see if it would let up at all. It didn’t. Until I got into my apartment with all the groceries away. Then, of course, it stopped. When I left the store, there were a few bag boys outside, and they were cute. They offered to help, but I said it was just water and no reason for all of us to get wet. So I walked out to my car, unloaded and walked the cart back. Mind you, I had an off-white tank top and short green skirt on, which was plastered to my body in about five seconds. As I walked back, I heard one of them say, “I almost feel like a jerk for not helping, but man! That was worth it.” Ahhh, I love being a girl sometimes!

In other news, I’m starting to figure out a few things about me. I’m terrified of grad school. The whole process and then the happening. Its been keeping me from actually doing the applications and working on my audition music. But I haven’t been able to figure out why. Until Sunday. Pam, our lay preacher, was talking about her journey into seminary. She said she’s wanted to do this for years and years, but was too scared. It was too foreign, too unknown, too scary. As she was talking, I started to realize it applied to me too. She said she was too afraid of risking it all. I’m afraid of life without a safety net. My father always wants me to have a safety net. “What happens if you don’t get in to grad school? What happens if you don’t get a job? What happens if this career plan doesn’t work out?” I don’t mind the first question, but the second and third often haunt me. I don’t know what I would do. I don’t have all the answers yet. I don’t know where my life is going. And my father’s persistent questions make me terried of not only the distant furture but of tomorrow, and the next hour. I can’t think about ten years from now. I can’t even do five years from now. I’m barely able to do a year from now.

Writing that origins entry helped me remember some things. When I was in high school, I never wanted to think about life after that. I have a million reasons why I choose the college I did. Why I went to a liberal arts college instead of a conservatory. But the inner, real reason was that a conservatory locked me into music, into oboe. It made my career decision for me. I wasn’t ready for that, because I didn’t know that it would work out. A liberal arts school allowed me to figure out what my career could be, without locking me into one thing or another. Now that I know what I want, its a lot easier to make decisions. Trying to decide about going back to college was so difficult. But once I decided, I did. I found the place I wanted to go and I went forward. It didn’t go excatly how I wanted, but I made it work. I figured it out.

I know my father is trying to prepare me and make sure I’ll be okay if I don’t get into grad school. And I appreciate that. But grad school is what I want. Playing in a professional orchestra is what I want. I’m stubborn and I’ll get it. It might not happen excatly how I plan, but I’ll get it. I swear I will.

Now I just need Daddy to back off a little and let me do this my way. Cause his way only makes me anxious, nervous and helpless.

build your own television receiver
staying home can’t be that bad for me
cause i’m not scared
but i’d like some extra spare time
easily earn me big money

i’m a modern girl but i fold in half so easily
when i put myself in the picture of success
i could learn world trade
or try to map the ocean

when you’re dead
in hospitals and freeways
when you’re dead
in resting homes and clinics
when you’re dead
it must be nice to finish
when you’re dead

i’ve had it with you
and mexico can fucking wait
and all of those french films about trains
cause i’m not scared
but i’d like some extra spare time
i’m not scared
but the bills keep changing colors

when you’re dead in hospitals and freeways
when you’re dead in dress shirts and neckties
when you’re dead in apartments and on beaches
when you’re dead

they say california is a recipe for a black hole
and i say i’ve got my best shoes on
i’m ready to go, ready to go, ready to go, ready to go
i’m ready to go, ready to go, ready to go, ready to go
i’m ready to go, ready to go, ready to go, ready to go
i’m ready to go, ready to go, ready to go, ready to go
i’m ready to go

these are times that can’t be weathered and
we have never been back there since then

Pictures of Success ~ Rilo Kiley