It is what it is.

He… is being very weird. He has to know what he is doing affects you. [Past Progressive]

He makes a really good point. If he knows my favorite flower and everything, he must know what saying things like this do to me. There’s no way he can claim being that stupid or ignorant. So he’s got to be doing this for a reason. He’s got to know exactly what he’s doing. Never in our relationship was anything ever said without thinking. I never muttered anything or hinted at something I didn’t want him to know about. I was, still am, very careful about what comes out of my mouth. I’ve never been the person who says something without thinking. If I regret things I’ve said, its never instantly after it leaves my mouth. If I do clap my hands over my mouth, its for show; its to draw more attention to whatever just came out as opposed to trying to hide it. Maybe its manipulative, but its how I’ve always been.

He’s the same way. He never says things by accident. He never lets something “slip.” So why am I assuming that he’s doing that now? I’m not convinced he’s over me. I’m not convinced that he really understands we’re not going to get back together. Ever. No one-night stands, nothing. He can never be more than a friend or less than an ex-boyfriend. He’s choosen the path, written the rules. There’s nothing that can change it. It is what it is.

So the question still remains – Do I keep him in my life? Or do I pack him up in a box and stuff it under my bed? Do I move on with my life and leave him in the memories of yesterday? Or is there a place in my life for him? How do I balance this? Not a friend, not a lover, something darker, something older. Not an enemy, not an ally, something stronger, something colder. I don’t know how to define him, defy him or destroy him.

It is what it is.