Insomnia

I can’t sleep. So what do I do? Well, I just took two pain pills with sleep aid. Hopefully they will kick in soon. I’m not in a lot of pain. My throat hurts and feels like I’m breathing through a coffee stir. Its hot in my room, but I can’t open my window cause its raining. When it rains out here, it pours and then it comes in my window and soaks everything. I wouldn’t mind so much except there is an outlet below my window and I’d rather not blow the power or worse.

My mind is racing. The past few nights I’ve been dead tired by 11, so no fear of the mind that won’t stop. But tonight… It’s like the damn Energizer Bunny! I can’t help thinking about Mike. I saw him this past weekend. It was good and strange and not long enough, but it never is long enough. We were going to go out for a few drinks but he got caught up doing things with his sister. Which was really ok with me cause I was tired at that point and just wanted to relax at home. We talked for a while. He talked about his brother and how much he misses him and how upset it still makes him. I know he tries to be strong and keep everything together for his sister and his family, but he lost his brother too. He needs someone there to tell him its ok and he’s ok. But his parents aren’t able to do that for him and he keeps everyone else at arm’s length. It frustrates me that he opens up to me for a brief glimpse into himself and then shuts me out for months at a time. I don’t mind his leaving and being in distant places, its the shutting me out while he’s gone that gets to me. I don’t want to push or force him to talk about things he doesn’t want to talk about, but I want to be able to be there for him. And I’ve tried, but he won’t let me.

I care about him so much that it hurts sometimes. I want him to be happy. I want him to do what will make him happy because that is all he wants from me. We work well together in that aspect. We have a lot of fun as the time allows, but neither of us are so starstruck we believe it will last forever and we’ll be married someday. I used to think that was what I wanted from him. Some kind of committment, some kind of awareness of our future. But I realise that our futures are not linked together in that way. We are too different, too set in our own paths, too something! I just can’t see myself ever marrying him. But I can see us being friends, with or without the benefits. I don’t want long-term or serious and neither does he. We are both on the verge of moving great distances and changing our lives quite a bit. The last thing either of us needs is a serious, marriage heading relationship.

But we still need relationships – friends, lovers, family, people we can lean on and connect with. Thats all I want from him. And I don’t know if he’s afraid of hurting me or himself by getting too deep, too close. Maybe he’s holding back after my little faux break-up this past spring. I know he wasn’t happy about it, but I also know he knew it was coming.

Anyways – I think the medicine is starting to kick in.