inside this ancient heart

There was a family that my family used to be friends with. It was back at our old church. They were an older couple (older than my parents) with children older than me. When I was about 5 or so, they had another son. She thought she’d never get pregnant again, but through some miracle of God, she did and she carried the baby. His name was Seth. I remember him as an infant. There are pictures of me holding him and playing with each other. His mother used to come over to my house for a women’s Bible Study. His father would drop her off and pick me up for Calvinettes (think Christian Girl Scouts). I remember his jokes and laughing as he drove down the street. Eventually, we left that church. There were circumstances surrounding our leaving that have nothing to do with my story, so I won’t tell it right now.

Though we left the church, we kept in touch with some of the families and people. A few years after we had left, the father passed away due to a heart condition of some sort. His wife had never learned to drive. She also never held a job outside the house. Now she had a young boy and needed to find a way to provide for him. I remember my parents talking about how hard it was for her. She was a resilient woman and made it work. I was also young and not told a lot of the details. More time passed and my memories have faded. I haven’t thought about Seth or his parents in a very long time.

Until I saw him on Facebook. What a strange place to bump into people of the past. I looked at pictures of him and he looks so much like his dad, it took my breath away. Its so odd to come smack up against your past like that sometimes. I’m not even sure what I’m feeling.

I think I should start drinking. Anything to dull the intensity of my emotions. I’m not tired, but I stay in bed way too long. I have things to do, but I can’t seem to face anything. I just want to lose myself in something or somewhere. I just want to try to make it through one day without crying. I just want one day without this pain, this distraction. I can’t do anything without my brain wandering to places it should just ignore. I just want this to all be over.

Goodnight, my angel
Time to close your eyes
And save these questions for another day
I think I know what you’ve been asking me
I think you know what I’ve been trying to say
I promised I would never leave you
And you should always know
Wherever you may go
No matter where you are
I never will be far away

Goodnight, my angel
Now it’s time to sleep
And still so many things I want to say
Remember all the songs you sang for me
When we went sailing on an emerald bay
And like a boat out on the ocean
I’m rocking you to sleep
The water’s dark and deep
Inside this ancient heart
You’ll always be a part of me

Lu-lu-lu-lu-lu-lu
lu-lu-lu-lu-lu-lu-lu-lu-lu

Goodnight, my angel
Now it’s time to dream
And dream how wonderful your life will be
Someday your child may cry
And if you sing this lullabye
Then in your heart
There will always be a part of me

Someday we’ll all be gone
But lullabyes go on and on…
They never die
That’s how you
And I
Will be

Lullaby ~ Billy Joel