incomplete and helpless so it seems

Twelve in12

Reading: The Game of Kings ~ Dorothy Dunnett

Finished: Mirror, Mirror ~ Gregory Macguire

Witchling ~ Yasmine Galenorn

Changeling ~ Yasmine Galenorn

Something Wicked ~ Catherine Mulvany

Date:Monday, December 10, 2007Time:10:14 pmMood Level:NormalSeverity:NormalAnxiety:1=MildIrritability:0=NoneHours Slept:10 HoursMedication:150mg Lamictal and 500mg Vicodin

Yes, I’m taking Vicodin. Sunday was the Chamber Orchestra Concert and I was in huge amounts of pain before the concert. By the end of the show, I was beyond bitchy and in pain. Before the concert, I had been talking to my mother and she said that my grandmother was now coming to spend Christmas with us. She realized how much she misses my grandfather and told my mother she cries all the time. Ok. Fine, she will come and I will be the polite, nice granddaughter. But she wasn’t going to come. She and my other grandmother were going to come together, but then she changed her mind. The only reason my other grandmother was coming was to be a traveling companion and whatnot. So she already made other Christmas plans. So now my wonderful grandmother is coming. She’s annoying. And stuck in her ways. And opinionated, but without tact or kindness. I’ll get lectured and bitched at and god only knows what else. The last time she came for Christmas she yelled at me for drinking the beer my mother got me for Christmas. IT WAS MY BEER! Ok. I will be the nice polite wonderful granddaughter. But only when she’s around.

So then we had the concert. Which was really good actually. It was a lot more fun than I thought. Although the stage manager didn’t do anything, which included turning off the air conditioning before the concert. So I was sitting on stage during the last piece, clutching my oboe, praying to the oboe gods that my oboe wouldn’t crack. This is the time of year for cracking! But after the concert, I was just in a haze of pain. I was waiting for Rob, cause I was driving him home. All I wanted was the Vicodin. Unfortunately the conductor heard me talking about it, which created a somewhat awkward, yet funny situation. But when I got home, I was able to have my Vicodin and red wine.

The pain is bad enough. I don’t like having the pain. Especially because it radiates down my arm and across my back. No one likes being in pain. But worse than the pain is my fear and annoyance. The accident was six months ago. How much longer do I have to pay for it? How much is this going to affect my oboe playing? I made it through my recital without really any problems. And now? It comes back to kill me now because why? Sunday night was ugly. Monday during the day was even worse. My elbow was sensitive. Every time I hit my elbow on something, I’d lift my shoulder and hug my arm to my chest. Which puts strain on my shoulder, causing pain to radiate across my back. So I’d force myself to relax (which never works out as well as it should) and hit my elbow again, which now was causing pain down my arm to my wrist. I seriously considered making a sling for my arm. I couldn’t take another Vicodin because I had shit to do today! I had chicken that had to be cooked, dishes to do, finances to fix, studying, studio and more studying. So I suffered through most of the day. By the time studio came around, my wrist was pinched, my elbow was sensitive to a gently breeze and my shoulder wouldn’t stop spasming. Doc didn’t make me play, but I did play piano for the freshman. That wasn’t too bad. Which really means it didn’t make things any worse than they already were. But I was in such pain, I was so upset – I was almost crying sitting there in class.

I hate that something not my fault is still impacting my life in this way. This is always my biggest fear. Things that aren’t my fault making my life miserable. And I don’t mean like weather can be miserable. I mean miserable like seriously and dramatically impacting my life, to the point where I can not function on the level that I should be able to. I’m not terrified of old age or break-ups. I’m terrified of the metaphorical Acme anvil that drops on one’s head. Out of nowhere, for no reason.

But this is just part of my life. The doctors said that I would probably have times like this for the rest of my life. He actually said a break might have been better than the sprain I suffered. Sprains never fully heal the way a break does. They become chronic. It is something I’m going to have to deal with for the rest of my life. Just like the bipolarism is. These are things in my life I have absolutely no control over. I can do everything in my power to prevent them, but they will still happen. And I just have to ride them out. I wouldn’t mind riding them out, if they didn’t affect my oboe-life so much. But they do. These are the moutains in my life.

I woke her up because I could barely sleep
Two A.M. and contemplating fate
Made my way right out her door
Street lights, shine bright
I’ll run away while she sleeps through the night

Was it fate that brought us here?
Or my mistakes I made in fear?
Well is it too late to change my mind?
Who have I been?

Stepping back to where I used to be
Incomplete and helpless so it seems
The fog’s like a wall and its hard to see
These feelings, meanings
I’ll start my car and drive till I find peace

Was it fate that brought us here?
Or my mistakes I made in fear?
Well is it too late to change my mind?
Who have I been?
When will this end?
Times running thin
I’ll figure it out, figure it out

Edinger ~ Waking Ashland