in a chain reaction

I’ve moved into my new apartment and just tonight finally got the internet up and working.  Course there are now cords all over my apartment, but I don’t particularly care.  I’m just excited to be able to get online while at home.  Its been a long battle.

I had a bad choir rehearsal, followed by a bad phone call, but now I seem to be in a ridiculously happy mood.  I think my mother was right and I must be PMSing.  I’m really starting to freak out about money again.  But there is one very positive posting at the College for an assistant in the Music Department.  I could work there.  We’ll see what happens.  Tomorrow I’ll put in the application and a few in a couple other places I saw in the newspaper.  What is so great about having internet in my apartment means I won’t have to go to church to get it done.  So much easier to just stay here!  Dave said that he was going to give me one of his old wireless router which is awesome because I do not have money to buy a new one at the moment.

Ugh.  I feel kinda shallow and pathetic.  OD used to be a better place for me.  I used to write better.  Or maybe I just thought I did.  I feel like every time I come on here now that I’m just one more voice adding to the din of a thousand broken hearts.

I must be on something cause I feel…

Ah…

I’m manic.  Ta-da!  This makes more sense.  I really should take advantage of it and get some things done.  Except…  If I feed into the mania, the fallout will be that much worse.  I know from experience.  And Easter is going to be trying enough as it is.  I’m going to Detroit to see my grandmother and cousins.  Well, some of the cousins.  There are a few there that I do like and am excited to see.  But Nick and I do not get along.  Its just chemical.  We’ve never really gotten along, and now as adults, its worse.  I don’t have many cousins that I can’t stand.  At least not that I end up forced to be around with this much regularity.  Its not all that bad, I suppose.  I’m just really, really, really not looking forward to it.  Last time I was there it was so incredibly awkward.  He really thinks that Michigan is just a step below heaven.  It might not be just a step above hell, but its really not on the way to heaven.  Ugh.

Choir rehearsal tonight was horrible.  I was so incredibly frustrated, and I know it was only making the choir frustrated.  I know how much a director’s attitude can affect a group so I tried to keep a smile on my face and keep going.  But afterwards I just imploded.  It was like they had never seen the music before.  Like they had no idea what was happening.  The rehearsal ended up going nearly 45 minutes long.  Which is not the worst thing in the world, but I hate being that director.  I hate being that kind of leader.  If I expect them to be ready on time, they should expect no less from me.  That was a big issue for one of my undergrad professors.  He expected us to be on time for his class; but he flat out told us that we should expect nothing less from him as well.  If we had to be on time, so did he.  And he was very very good about it.  You know…  The few times when class did go over, no one really minded.  Because we knew he wouldn’t do it often and he wasn’t doing it on purpose.  Those things just happen sometimes. So perhaps my choir understands too.  Absolutely no one complained.  Well, the last run-through some of them didn’t want to do.  But they stood up and did it anyway.  They understood.  And as my mother pointed out, we’re singing 2 services right in a row this weekend – Good Friday and Easter Sunday.  There’s no more rehearsal time.  I still feel a little bad.  I hate being late.

I was really hoping my Netflix DVD would have come today so I could watch a movie tonight before going to bed.  Although it is nearly 11 pm and I should just go to bed without the movie.  Although now that I have internet I could watch something online.  Finish that House episode.  Play WoW.

Hmm…  Don’t really wanna…

I do want another cigarette.  And I want to quit smoking.  Yah, maybe after Detroit.

So the star is my sea at 37 thousand feet
forwards, backwards and underneath
your last word turns like a cyclone just out side my window
your good advice i’ll tie around my ankle
had to go
had to take off and hide myself from everyone
so their reasons won’t become my reasons
cos they’re talking, talking, talking again

Well in a chain reaction
you’re a slow wave crashing 
to come and change everything 
and wash me away

So make with for some chaso
a ripple on the surface sends me secrets and i keep them
like in a reacurring dream 
of max plank and you’re running rings around me 
but you can’t solve me
well you’re trying, you’re trying, try again

In a chain reaction 
you’re a slow wave crashing
to come and change everything 
and wash me away

We’ll stumble in the dark
we’ll stumble in the ark
and this is how it starts
this is how it starts
you carry your escape everywhere
just in case you find yourself there
find yourself there

well in a chain reaction
you’re a slow wave crashing 
to come and change everything
and wash me away
wash me away

Max Planck ~ Something for Kate