I’m willing to bleed for you

I’m beating a dead horse. I mean, I’m trying to make this work and it just never seems to be as smooth as it should. Every time I look at him, I’m reminded of what a screw up I was; what a bad girlfriend I was. To this day, I can’t tell you when or where our first kiss was. He can. He remembers what I was wearing and how my hair smelled. I can’t remember our first date, but he sure as hell does. Looking at him not only reminds me of what a bad girlfriend I was, but of what a bad ex-girlfriend I am.

Wait.

That’s not right. A bad ex-girlfriend is redundant. Ex-girlfriends are never great; that’s why they are EXes. A bad girlfriend just re-letters itself and becomes an ex-girlfriend. So why does it matter so much that he knows my favorite flower and just how my hair was done for prom? Cause I can’t remember his favorite shirt from high school.

But we are no longer together. Why does this get to me? How do I even know how much he remembers? Oh, that’s right. He tells me. Explain to me how that’s okay. He calls me to talk and will say something like “Today was the day we had our first kiss. You had on that shirt and you smelled so good.” What am I supposed to say to that? Of course I remember when our first kiss was. I was a great girlfriend and I’ll never forget it. Please. That’s not me now or ever. But why does he go and say things like that to me? They don’t make me feel better or happier. They make me feel like crap. I tend to get angry when someone makes me feel like crap. One because they actually were able to make me feel like crap and two because no one likes feeling like crap. So I get angry and we end up fighting. I don’t like fighting with him. I don’t like being angry with him. I don’t like that he still gets under my skin and riles me up like that. I can almost hear Brian – “Just don’t let him get to you. Just let it roll off you.” The eternal stoner. But its never worked like that for me. I tried that and from bad experience, I know that doesn’t work.

So what am I supposed to do? It doesn’t seem fair to just write him out of my life. He’s done nothing really wrong. He’s done nothing to deserve that. He just makes a nuisance of himself. I suppose its not really his fault. He’s just who he is. But if who he is makes me that unhappy, should I allow him to remain in my life? How do you tell a person you’ve known for over a decade you don’t want to see him anymore or talk to him anymore? How do you just push away a friendship like that? It may hurt and be horrible, but its still a friendship, something both of us have worked to get back to. The road from lovers to friends is so difficult and sometimes I feel like we’re never really going to return to just being friends. There will always be that something else. I’m trying to move on. I’m trying to break free from him and this damn hold he seems to have over me, but its just not working. I do fine until he’s there and holding me and stroking my hair. Then everything just seems to blur and lines that were clear in the sand are no longer there. I just don’t know what to do anymore and I’m tired of this.

I know I’ve been mistaken
But just give me a break and see the changes that I’ve made
I’ve got some imperfections
But how can you collect them all and throw them in my face

But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if you chose to walk away I’d still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting

I hope you’re not intending
To be so condescending it’s as much as i can take
and you’re so independent
you just refuse to bend so I keep bending till I break

But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if you chose to walk away I’d still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting

I’ve made a commitment
I’m willing to bleed for you
I needed fulfillment
I found what I need in you

Why can’t you just forgive me
I don’t want to relive all the mistakes I’ve made along the way
But I always find a way to keep you right here waiting
I always find the words to say to keep you right here waiting

But you always find a way
To keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if I chose to walk away would you be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep me right here waiting

Right Here ~ Staind