i’m useless but not for long

I went to Indianapolis to see my dad’s family this weekend. They all don’t live there, but we were meeting there since it was centrally located for my grandparent’s 50th anniversary. I’ve come to the conclusion that I will probably never really like my grandmother, but she is my grandma and I love her. She’s just….old and stuck in her ways. Which would be fine, but if you are different that her ways, you are stupid and ridiculous. Point in case – We took them to a German restaurant in downtown for their little party. It was a real nice place that had a huge menu. There was a “German Food” section, but they also had steak, chicken, seafood and pasta like a “normal” restaurant. German cuisine is different and some people don’t like or haven’t tried it before. My cousin Emily doesn’t like German cuisine. She’s tried it and she doesn’t care for it. My uncle’s new wife, Cindy, (yah, my aunt – I love her) has never had it before. So Emily ordered shrimp. She didn’t make any fuss about not liking German cuisine; she just found something else to eat. My grandmother had this little fit. “How can you eat SHRIMP in a German restaurant? You can get shrimp whenever. This is a GERMAN RESTAURANT! That is ridiculous. Don’t be stupid and just order something German.” You get the idea. Emily did nothing disrespectful or anything like that and my grandmother had to rag on her. Then Cindy, who wasn’t raised working in a German butcher shop like my uncles, was asking about the different German dishes. My grandmother had another fit. “How can you be almost 40 and not know German food?! Sauerbraten is sauerbraten. It is what it’s called. Its ridiculous that you’ve never had German good before. I can’t believe something so stupid…” Alright, you see my point. Cindy wasn’t complaining or whining either. She was asking polite questions about what the dishes were. Then my grandmother started ragging on her for not making German dishes at home. If Cindy has never had German cuisine before, how is she supposed to make it?

So basically I was happy I made it through the weekend without killing my grandmother. Everyone else was fine and enjoyable. Friday night we flew in and met up with everyone at a Minor League baseball game. After the game, there were fireworks and everyone ended up just going to their respective beds for the night. The hotel was ok, but it took us forever to find it. We couldn’t find the road, and then Dad realized we didn’t have the number on our information sheets either. The guy at the gas station kinda knew where it was but not really. We drove around for about an hour before Mom suggested I look on my laptop. I actually hadn’t thought of that. So my dad (who only cursed once) pulled over and I dug out my laptop. Yah, the guy at the gas place had no idea what he was talking about and there is no way we could have seen the hotel from the highway. So we figure out how to get there. When we get there, there are no lights. No lights in the parking lot, no lights illuminating the signs on the building, no lights on in the main lobby, nothing. So we’re all wondering what the hell is going on. My dad pulls into the valet area and the lights pop back on. So he goes in while Mom and I sit in the car. Just before he walks out, the lights go out again. Dad got back into the car and he was laughing which was a good thing for him. He said there were problems with the electricity but only in the lobby and outside lights. The rooms were all fine. So we went to bed, no cable, no internet, but we had lights and AC, so I wasn’t complaining. It must have been past midnight when I fell asleep.

They woke me up at 7 in the morning. SEVEN O’CLOCK ON A SATURDAY MORNING! I stumbled around, took a shower, got dressed and we went to my Aunt Kathy’s house. About half of the others were around, waking up. My uncle made coffee (really really good coffee) before going to get Bloody Mary mix and some coffee cake. Kathy was making brunch stuffs and we ate around 11am. My grandmother had brought the family geneology book with her for me to borrow, so I started adding the information into my family tree program (which is oh so cool). I talked and hung out with the older cousins, while the younger ones went swimming. Then dinner at that German restaurant and back to Kathy’s. I rode with my uncle Kevin and his wife so I could bum cigarettes off them. I’ve been smoking since Mike left, but I’m really trying to quit now. Back at the house, we had ice cream and hung out some more. I had planned to tell the family (at least the adults) about being bipolar that weekend. I didn’t want the cousins to know. It didn’t work during the day, and I didn’t want to disrupt Grandma’s party at the restaurant, so I waited and waited. We were leaving from the hotel Sunday morning, so it was kinda now or never. Dad and Mom knew I wanted to tell everyone and Kathy and Doug knew something was going on, because I talked to them about getting rid of the kids. I decided Greg and Emily could know because they were mature enough, but I didn’t really want Ann to know yet. It didn’t quite work out in a way for us to get rid of Ann without making things already uncomfortable. Then my grandmother started in on how tired she was and blah, blah, blah. My parents had driven them from their hotel to the restaurant, so we had to bring them back. I mentioned that I had something I wanted to say to everyone and she said something along the lines of “Well, say it already, I’d like to go to bed.” I was nervous already and now she was making me pissed off. I almost wanted to tell her to go lie down; I would just tell everyone else, but I knew I couldn’t do that. The children had been sent off to bed and the adults were just chatting about which church to go to the next morning. My grandmother kept making snide little comments, so finally I started talking.

I don’t remember all that I said or how I started, but I remember my voice sounded stronger than I felt and the words got easier as I talked. I didn’t want to drag it out, so I just spit it out and then started babbling. My dad said he saw Grandma wipe her eyes and I could see Kathy, Emily, Cathy and my mom were crying. Cindy started crying eventually, but the men were mostly stone-faced, typical males. Doug was the only person who met my eyes, although Greg looked up at me a few times. Grandpa and Grandma were next to me, facing the same direction, so I couldn’t see them. My dad was in front of me, with his back to me. Kevin and Mark were on the couch and were staring at the window. I talked for what seemed like ages. I had brought my English paper with me, but I forgot the copies in the hotel. So I mailed them (actually today). But the paper would have helped just with what I wanted to say and the points I wanted to make. It was ok though. I didn’t cry that much and my grandmother finally shut up. My aunts were all crying and the men were all somber. It was almost like I said I was dying or something. But I’m really glad I told them. They all know about DCC and Fredonia too now. My uncle told me he was 5 hours away from Fredonia as opposed to my parents who will be 6 hours. And he is relatively not far from Kathy, who is probably my favorite aunt. I’m happy how it came out. And I’m glad Greg, Emily and Ann know too. Emily is going to Calvi