i’m trying to get this right

So I can only handle so much at once. There’s only so many things that I can deal with at once. So lets try to backtrack tiny steps at a time. Right now, its 6 in the morning. I was trying to sleep but that didn’t really work out well. So I got up to do laundry. I haven’t done laundry in….well a long time. I have massive amounts of clothes, which is only proven by how long I can go before running out of clothes. Remember my trip to Florida? Yeah, before that was the last time I did laundry. And its now March. So I’ve stacked up quite a pile. The sorting totally cracked me up though. Usually I sort clothes into jeans, whites, dark colors and light colors. Sometimes the darks and jeans can get thrown together. This time around – I sorted the clothes by color. Literally. I have a reds pile, browns, grays, greens, blues and off-whites. Not to mention whites and jeans. So I’ve got a little bit of work ahead of me. The cherry on top of the whole ordeal came when I went to get my detergent. Or what little was left of it. I squeaked out three loads with what I’ve got. I have a few sample packets from my mother which will help, but its still not gonna be enough. I just deposited about $500 into my checking account, except my bank is retarded and takes about a week to clear checks. So all the money I have access to right now is the $6 that was already in my checking account and the quarters I need for the laundry. I love my life. Seriously.

Newfie (aka The Guy) and I are going to see the Cleveland Orchestra tonight and then to my uncle’s for wine and well, not being here. We’re coming back on Saturday as long as the weather holds. Newfie has the same attitude as I do about travel and the weather. We both really want this trip to Ohio and we’ll just take our time if we need to. Still, it should be interesting.

And just because my life’s not interesting enough now… I do go to the counseling center on Wednesday after orchestra. I called and talked with a guy named Jeff, and ended up seeing him that afternoon. My oboe professor had called the counseling center because she was concerned about me. I was a little annoyed about it, but deep down I was a little relieved. I can’t concentrate too much on the deep down because there’s scary things down there. But I went in and talked to Jeff. And I like Jeff. And I trust Jeff. He reminds me a little bit of Jenny, being a wide-angle lens. And what he spotted really scares me. We had been talking for a while and he made an observation. He said that it sounded like I’ve been having dissociative episodes. Where stuff happens and I’m not really aware of myself or what I’m doing. That scared me, but it made sense. His next observation scared the living hell out of me. He said I sounded like a trauma victim. He said a lot of my symptoms and even just what he observed while I was sitting in the room made him think there was something that happened. I couldn’t think of anything I considered trauma. The closest thing was my car accident in June, followed closely by my grandfather’s death. Which I know I haven’t dealt with. I told him about what happened in January in Florida at the gravesite. My grandma and I went to the cemetary, and my grandma stayed in the car while I went to the site. (It wasn’t her husband. Other side of the family.) I had flowers and I remember walking out there. I remember finding it, putting the flowers down and brushing the dirt off. My grandmother wanted pictures to make sure it was what she wanted. I took the pictures and checked to make sure they turned out okay. The next thing I know, I was screaming at him. Crying and yelling, that I was so angry at him. All I could say is that I was mad at him, but I didn’t know why. Somehow I came back to earth and got myself under control. But I’m still unbelievably mad at him and I can’t figure out why. Jeff said anger was a common grief symptom and losing someone on the heels of a major car accident was significant. We didn’t get into much else at the time. I think he could sense I was getting really upset. He switched gears and we started talking about what to do next. How to go forward from there. He offered to keep working with me, which is good because I liked him better than Stephanie. Not that she was bad; she just didn’t work for me. But Jeff was good and I liked him. We talked about some options and next steps. He really understood how out of control I feel right now. And he understood that I can only deal with so much at once. He got the survival mode concept. He also asked flatly about my “danger level.” Basically how likely was it that I would try to hurt myself. I told him that as suicidal and depressed as I get, I don’t really want to die. Not because I hope and believe things will get better. But because I’ve been through suicides. I’ve watched what it does to friends and families. The pain, the questions. I know suicide is a selfish thing. It takes me out of my misery, but it throws so many more people into pain. I don’t want to be the cause of that pain. Unfortunately it doesn’t get rid of the suicidal thoughts or the cutting. It doesn’t make everything better. Jeff really seemed to understand that. And he understood the immense conflict that goes on inside me when that all begins. Honestly, he made me feel a little be safer and a little bit more in control. I’m not there yet. Things are not better and I can still deal with only so much. But I took a step forward. A little step, but a step. I go forward. I go up. I go on. Very slowly. Very carefully. But I go.

And that’s all I can do for right now.

The hand of my clock strikes two
In times when I got the best of you
We made promises we couldn’t keep
And every night we couldn’t sleep.
I didn’t know why, but didn’t ask questions
Because it was the first time in my life,
Teah the first time in my life
Where I did something right.

I set myself up for the greatest fall of all time
I set myself up for the greatest fall of all time

You pick me apart
While I search for witty things to say (In my defense)
“You’ll never amount to anything anyway”
(Don’t press your luck, don’t press your luck)
And think that I’m impressed
With your one night stands
And your contagious kiss
I’m trying to get this right
Yeah, cause I’m ridiculous like that

I set myself up for the greatest fall of all time
I set myself up for the greatest fall of all time

I’ll keep this as
A constant reminder
Of the nights I spent holding onto her
And rest assured I’m moving on
I miss you less, with each day you’re gone (you’re gone)

I set myself up for the greatest fall of all time
I set myself up for the greatest fall of all time

The Greatest Fall (Of All Time) ~ Matchbook Romance