I’m looking up, not looking down

Well. I moved. In the middle of a snowstorm, I moved. Can I just say that Marcie, Sarah, Kelly and John are the most amazing people in my world? They all offered to help, no begging or pleading or bribing. Did I mention it was snowing? The lake hasn’t frozen and so we are getting hit with lake effect snow. I believe almost 18 inches have fallen, but the wind blows it everywhere so no one really knows for sure. Typical western New York. And I’m loving it! So I moved. Jenn didn’t know until she came home and found me finishing the packing. She tried to get me to stay, since Melissa wasn’t going to be around. But I already had everyone lined up and I wanted out. Now that I’m out I can’t believe I stayed there for so long. I can’t believe the amount of stress I was enduring. I can’t possible describe how much better I am. I can’t believe I didn’t get more depressed, or homicidal. I really can’t. I suppose to release of the pain and stress shows me how much it was affecting me and my life. It was a poison and it was slowly killing me.

My new roommate, Kristen, is also escaping a toxic situation. She’s a Spanish major and a senior. We are both so relieved to be in a safe, happier environment. We bought some stuff for our living room and set it all up. I hung my Scotland paintings up and she put up some posters she bought. The living room is the only thing really done right now. We don’t have a kitchen table or really any counter space in the kitchen, but we’re working on it. She commented that the living is so nice. It has a little bit of her and a little bit of me. It’s OUR living room and we can both sit in it and hang out. Course my TV is in there, so I never want to be in my room. But then she and I sit and watch TV, do homework and chat about our day. And my room is huge, so I have enough space for all my things and whatnot. Although its not all unpacked yet. But its nice to look forward to going home at night. Its nice to know that I can cook my own dinner and sit in my own living room. Her boyfriend, Brian, comes down often, but he’s pretty cool and doesn’t bother me. She’s also an only child so we share that with each other. When I told her about my bipolarism, she told me about her eating disorder. So we’re both on medication and we talk to therapists. Its about different things but we can both appreciate the situation.

I went to a SuperBowl party at Dustin and Marcie’s on Sunday. Our school closed for the first time since like the 70s (due to snow) and so I got drunk and spent the night. It was interesting to see Dustin not at work, but he really isn’t all that much different, at least not to me. I mean, there are differences, but he’s not a different person or anything. Marcie is pretty funny though. She gets tired and she’s at home and she gets a little cranky. But that’s just her. Dustin doesn’t get tired, he gets drunk. Which comes out to be the same thing, but it was so much fun. And I texted Kristen to let her know I wasn’t going to be home that night, because I knew she actually cared. Jenn and Mel never really cared, they just wanted to control everything.

Speaking of them, Jenn was fine while I was moving out. I didn’t go hand in my keys to the old apartment till yesterday and I told the landlords I knew I was breaking the lease and I wasn’t going to pay anything. He was really nice about it, given the situation. I think he understands and he’s always made his position, as landlord and manager, clear to me. He only has so much say over what happens. I told him that my dad was the one calling the shots from here on out and so we just became two people stuck in the middle of their fight. Anyways – I know my dad is going to talk to their attorneys and see if some kind of settlement can’t be reached. Unfortunately, as Jenn didn’t care what happened to me while I lived in the apartment, I don’t care what happens to her and Mel while this is all sorted out. She sent me upset texts yesterday when the landlord told her I had handed in keys and wasn’t paying anything. She said she didn’t know what she had done, and she felt like she was being punished for something she did and this was something personal. I told her everytime Mel treated me like shit and she did nothing, I felt like I was being punished for something and it felt personal to me too. I told her she and Mel made me feel like I didn’t exist. She came back and said she never ignored me, she was just busy, but thats bullshit. She had time to talk to Mel about whatever – even if it was just 10 minutes and I got ignored. They made me feel like shit and I didn’t deserve that. Everytime Jenn sat by and let Mel treat me like shit, she encouraged and endorsed Mel’s behavior. If we weren’t living together, none of that would have mattered. But its the same idea as if your father beat you and your mother sat by and did nothing to stop it. Legally, in situations like that, the mother is being held more and more accountable. Jenn will be held accountable for letting Mel abuse me day after day.

I can go home and feel safe, feel like its ok to breathe and move and just be. And I bought the WoW expansion pack. After over a week of not having time to play WoW, I played last night. The new characters are SOOO cool. And our guild is almost ready to be formed and be official! We are Hautbois Méchants, which is Wicked Oboes in French. Yeah, we’re geeks. But we’re almost all oboe players or love oboe players, so its all good. I’m excited to have a guild and just be able to do things together. And the new places to explore are just so cool!!!

So yeah, my life is infinitely better now.

It’s just a simple line
I can still hear it all of the time
If I can just hold on tonight
I know that nothing
Nothing survives
Nothing survives

I think I’m turned around
I’m looking up
Not looking down
And when i’m standing still
Watching you run
Watching you fall
Fall into me

Am I making something worthwhile out of this place
Am I making something worthwhile out of this chase
I am displaced
I am displaced

And she’s my friend of all friends
She’s still here when everyone’s gone
She doesn’t have to say a thing
We’ll just keep laughing all night long
All night long

Am I making something worthwhile out of this place
Am I making something worthwhile out of this chase
I am displaced
I am displaced

It’s just a simple line
I can still hear it all of the time
If I can just hold on tonight
I know that no one
No one survives
No one survives.

Displaced ~ Azure Ray