i’m looking up, not looking down

Reconciliation is good for the soul.

JENN: Hey, just wanted say hi, and see how you’re doing. Just want you to know I’m sorry for the way things ended. I wrote Mel off a few months ago, she’s a horrible person and everyone, myself included, finally sees that. I’m off to bed for tonight, but I’ll hopefully talk to you soon.

ME: hey – just wanted to let you know i got your message and I’m doing well. I’m sorry that you and Mel are no longer friends. I never wanted that to happen. I’m also sorry things ended the way they had to, but I know it was all for the best. I hope you’re doing well and things are going well between you and Jason. I’m cleaning and studying most of the day today, but hopefully we can talk soon.

JENN: Hi, I’m not sorry I’m not friends with her. She’s a horrible selfish person who doesn’t care about anyone but herself. After you left she turned her age of misery onto others, like Dana, Biff, Chase and myself. She was rude to my family at graduation…all in all she’s just a miserable person I never want to deal with again. Things with Jason are wonderful. We got engaged earlier this month and we’ve set a tentative date for Aug 8, 2009. I’m very happy now and in a much better place mentally and emotionally. My frienship with Mel ending was in no way your fault, she did that all on her own after you left. Her reign of terror is over now and we all made it out alive, and she’s pretty miserable I guess. She and Chase finally broke up and she’s dating her boss now….she always said she’d be willing to sleep her way to the top.

On a happier note, I’m glad you’re doing well. I hope next time I’m in town we can get together and catch up. I really do miss your friendship. I’m sorry for everything that happened in the past.

ME: I am so excited to hear about you and Jason! That’s so great and I am so happy for you both. I’m sorry for everything that happened between you and me, too. I miss you too. Your friendship did mean a lot to me and I’ve missed it over the semesters. Something will happen and I keep thinking “Oh Jenn would get this!” I’ve missed you.

Next time you’re down in here, let me know so we can catch up. Between my church job and preparing for my recital, I’m rarely out of town. I’d love to have you and Jason over to see my apartment and catch up. My number hasn’t changed so give it a call or drop me an IM. Let me know how school is going for you. Are you teaching or being taught? Maybe a little of both!

Well, back to cleaning for me……

JENN: I am a seventh grade English teacher at a school in Buffalo. It’s a public school so the kids are rough, but I love it. I am also a grad student at buffalo state, i’m taking 1 class this semester and it’s a lot of work.

I’m glad you feel the same way. Next time we’re in town we will definatey let you know. Send me your number, Mine is the same but I got a new phone and never put your old number in the new one.

I sent her my number and she sent back a message saying she’d call soon.

I cleaned my apartment today after church. I had stacks of dishes to do. I couldn’t do them all at once cause my sink and dish drainer are relatively small, so I did it in shifts. My shoulder started to hurt again, which really scared me. I thought I was over all of this and then I get this shooting pain in my shoulder. I changed my afternoon plans away from practicing cause I didn’t want to make my shoulder worse. Those IMs back and forth took place mostly over today as I was cleaning. I vacuumed and moved the furniture around a bit. Then I started cleaning the vacuum cause it really needed to get cleaned out. There was dust everywhere, but its all cleaned up now. I also cleaned my kitchen, I mean, really scrubbed everything. It felt nice to have everything clean and back in its place. I printed up my study sheets for this week and sat down with the intention of studying. And it kind of hit me.

Jenn and I are going to be friends again. I hated leaving her. I hated the way things ended with us. But there was no way for me to survive in that apartment. To survive with that kind of hate and terror. Dustin said something to me the other day about Jenn. And Manny only reinforced it. Jenn was a senior, and student teaching. She was trying to sort out grad schools and find a job. Like me, she was only trying to survive. When I moved out, I felt a little abandoned by her, but I didn’t fault her for anything she did or didn’t do. She was in an impossibly difficult place, without asking to be put there. And she did her best to make things work. But she was doing the same thing I was, just trying to survive, just trying to make it through the day. I don’t fault her for that. I don’t hate her for that.

I missed her so much. I never thought things would ever work out between us. I never thought we would actually be able to talk again, let alone be friends. I didn’t think she actually really missed me all that much. I didn’t think I’d miss her as much as I did. I think about seeing her again, being able to talk to her again and I start crying. I remember the look on her face the day I left. It broke my heart. But I had to do what I had to do to survive. And I know she understood that.

For once, I get something back. I get my friend back. I get someone who understood me and accepted me and loved me back in my life. Someone I thought I had lost. This is the song I posted on the entry about my moving out. It has taken on a whole new meaning, a whole new identity for me.

This is for Jenn. She’s my friend of all friends.

It’s just a simple line
I can still hear it all of the time
If I can just hold on tonight
I know that nothing
Nothing survives
Nothing survives

I think I’m turned around
I’m looking up
Not looking down
And when i’m standing still
Watching you run
Watching you fall
Fall into me

Am I making something worthwhile out of this place
Am I making something worthwhile out of this chase
I am displaced
I am displaced

And she’s my friend of all friends
She’s still here when everyone’s gone
She doesn’t have to say a thing
We’ll just keep laughing all night long
All night long

Am I making something worthwhile out of this place
Am I making something worthwhile out of this chase
I am displaced
I am displaced

It’s just a simple line
I can still hear it all of the time
If I can just hold on tonight
I know that no one
No one survives
No one survives

Displaced ~ Azure Ray