i’ll let my heartbeat drop

What do I want in life? What would make me happy? What do I want to be when I don’t grow up?

I hate those questions. But they need to be answered. I need to find a new point in my life. I need to find what makes me happy. Is it really just the little things? If it was, I don’t think I’d be asking myself these questions. I have plenty of little things that make me happy. My friends, my paycheck, my piano, my CD collection, my books, my kitty. But they don’t fill me. I’m not really content.

I don’t think I’m a grown-up yet. A grown-up has a life and a career and I have neither. I’m still acting like I’m in high school. And I’ll figure it all out later. I’ve been told my entire life I don’t need to decide what to do with my life until I’m older. So I’m older and I still don’t know. And I don’t know how to decide.

I’m anxious, but I don’t know what for. I want to be somebody or do something. Everyone I work with tells me I’m smarter than this job. So what excatly is holding me back? Me, thats who. But I don’t want to go back to school. Because if I do, I need a point to going back to school. I don’t know that I want to go play music forever. Maybe I’ve forgotten what it really feels like to love playing like I used to. Maybe its not what I was meant to do.

I think it might be cool to teach – high school or college band. I don’t have the patience for younger kids. But I don’t know that I have the confidence for it either. Or the discipline to make it through all the schooling I’d have to do.

I think it might be cool to travel the world playing in orchestras. But I don’t know if I’m good enough. And I like living where I live. I like being in the Hudson Valley and I like having roots. Travel the world? Have no place to call my own?

I think it might be cool to work as a personal assistant or secretary to some CEO, answer phones, type letters, scheduling, fly to exotic places with them. Or to work for someone like that in the military, a general or someone like that.

I want to fall in love, get married and raise a family. But I can’t force the right guy into my life. I can’t snap my fingers and all of a sudden make him appear. (Although that would be nice.) It has to happen as it will. I just hate waiting and wondering.

So what the hell am I supposed to do? I really should go back to school because if I don’t go back soon. I’ll never go back and thats just a bad idea. I need to go back to school. I need a degree in something. And it is partly true that I could do most of the support staff jobs here in my sleep. So is there something out there better for me? I really really don’t know. And I wish I did.

I still need to take that damn pregnancy test. I’m just way too scared.

i close my eyes
thought i was lost but i was stranded
i go outside
to my surprise the sky had landed
i thought it made more sense
if i could only keep you guessing
i was a fool to think that i should stop you from undressing
now i’m believing all the words you say
that i can’t say back to you
but so you can

so i fall
i don’t wanna feel this small
you know i just can’t handle this
handle this at all
and i’ll just fall
i’ll let my heartbeat drop
i falter as the music stops
and you watch me as stall
and wonder when i fall

i kiss your neck
i feel you breathing on my shoulder
still i’m perfect
it must be you cause now it’s over
i was so close
that was the most that i have ever been through
now old cassettes and cigarettes
will be the ones to save you
how can you ask for me to stay
when all you ever do is go?
just go

and so i fall
i don’t wanna feel this small
you know i just can’t handle this
handle this at all
and so i fall
i let my heartbeat drop
i falter as the music stops
and you watch me as i stall
and wonder when i..

go on
you can’t be waiting
go on
and watch me as i fall

i don’t wanna feel this small
you know i just can’t handle this
handle this at all
and so i’ll fall
i’ll let my heartbeat drop
i falter as the music stops
and you watch me as stall
and wonder when i..

Fall ~ Something Corporate