If I could be your first real heartache

Ehh, so much for everday…

Paul called me on Monday and we set up a lunch date for Tuesday. We met up at Perkins after my classes. It was really really nice. I told him about CK and how I felt about not telling him. His parents had recieved the basic church letter that Keith had sent out but he said it wasn’t a big deal that I hadn’t told him. He said he understood. I explained how McN and CK were so similar and it was eerie for me. I keep forgetting how different in ages we are, but the are some not so subtle reminders. He was long gone to colllege by the time I was in high school and he didn’t really hear about McN. As I compared CK to McN, he compared it to what happened at our old church, years and years ago.

STORY TIME
I was around 5 or so at the time, so this is a story that was related to me by my mother when I was in high school. My parents had a really good friend named S. S came to them with a stories of the pastor, we’ll call him B, trying to seduce her. He kept trying to get her to leave her family and kids and run away with him. B also had a family of his own. My parents felt something needed to be done. In the Bible, it says to confront your neighbor who is doing evil with his evil deeds. They asked an elder in the church to go with them to talk to the pastor. The elder and my parents approached B with the accusations. B denied them and demanded to talk to S, his real accuser. Well, S lost her nerve and denied the story. But now it was out there. The church split right down the middle. On one side were the people who believed my parents were telling the truth and on the other side were the people who thought my parents were lying and trying to create drama. This went on for some time, which people harassing my parents and making their lives miserable. This is when my family got an answering machine and started screening our calls. Eventually, S and B broke down and admitted to what happened. But the damage had been done already. I was very young and unaware of such politics. Still, I picked up on my parents’ emotions and feelings of fear and distrust. Paul was older and so he actually remembers this actually happening.

It was interesting to talk to him as someone who remembers what happened. Besides my mother telling me about it, I don’t really talk about it with anyone. My friends were also too young to really understand what was happening and we are no longer close to most of those families. But Paul brought an interesting perspective to it all. Besides the fact that he remembers what happened, he was not involved in the drama the way my family was. Its odd how my family always seems so close to the center of these epicenters. First it was B and S, then it was me with McN and now its all of us with CK. Its a tough game to play. But Paul was great about it all.

On a different note, he made a point of telling me how he goes to see his friend, who is a football coach, when there are home games. He says he goes more to peopla watch and finds it most amusing, especially now that he is older. He said that he watches these kids in the stands. They clearly like each other, but neither of them want to say anything. He says he wants to grab them and blurt it out. He said he would rather just know when someone likes him than doing these little dances around each other. It made me pause, cause it was almost like he was trying to get me to admit that I like him. I’m not ready to say anything yet. I like him as a crush. And there are issues (aren’t there always). I’m going away and he might be too. And the age difference and other things. I know he’s looking to start settling down and get married, but I’m looking to go away to college. I’m not ready to start dating my husband and I’ve said that before. So its still a dance right now. On top of that, I don’t know if I really do like him or not. I’m just trying to get to know him and decide how I feel about him. My feelings are not seriuos or defined enough to say anything. But it was still a nice time. And he paid, so I don’t know if he thought of it as a date, or if it was just being nice. We’ll just have to do it again and see how everything progresses.

On another note, I’m out at the college for my audition tonight. We’re actually in the hotel room now. My parents are sleeping and I just wanted to update my OD. Tomorrow morning at 9:30 I’m meeting with the professor for my audition. Then we’re taking a short tour of the campus and driving home. I’m nervous and I’m not. I’m worried about it all and I’m not. Part of me is my usual non-nervous, non-obsessive self. The other part is thinking of what we used to say at NYSSMA – “Its only the 5 most important minutes of your life. No pressure.” It was somewhat a joke, but this time its way more true. If I mess this up….I just don’t know. DeYoung will be right and McN will be an ass and it will take some recovery time.

But I don’t want to think about that. I’m going to sleep now cause I want to be rested for tomorrow morning. I’m excited and terrified and so many emotions at the same time. I’m out of my comfort zone and I’ve been there for a long time. Music keeps me sane.

Maybe when the room is empty,
Maybe when the bottle’s full.
Maybe when the door gets broke down,
Love can break in.

Maybe when I’m done with thinking,
Maybe you can think me whole.
Maybe when I’m done with endings
This can begin, this can begin
This can begin.

If you could be my punk rock princess,
I would be your garage band king.
You can tell me why you just dont fit in
And how you’re gonna be something

Maybe when your hair gets darker,
Maybe when your eyes get wide,
Maybe when the walls are smaller
There will be more space

Maybe when I’m not so tired,
Maybe you could step inside
Maybe when I look for things that
I cant replace, I cant replace
I cant replace.

If you could be my punk rock princess,
I would be your garage band king.
You could tell me why you just dont fit in,
And how you’re gonna be something.

If I could be your first real heartache,
I would do it over again.
If you could be my punk rock princess,
I would be your heroine.

I never thought you’d last,
I never dream you would.
You watch your life go past,
You wonder if you should.

If you should be my punk rock princess,
So I could be your garage band king.
You could tell me why you just dont fit in,
And how you’re gonna be something.

If I could be your first real heartache,
I would do it over again.
If you could be my punk rock princess,
I would be your heroine.

Whoa! you know!
You only burn my bridges
Whoa! you know!
You just cant let it sink in!
You could be my heroine,
You could be my heroine!

Punk Rock Princess ~ Something Corporate