if i can’t feel then I won’t get touched

I had a very interesting conversation with Jenn tonight about a lot of things, mainly Mel. But when she could drop Mel and think about something else, we talked about Manny and Mike and my relationships. And I realised that I used to compare Manny to my father, because I never want to marry a man with my father’s bad qualities. Now I’m comparing the guys I meet and date with Manny and Tim, because I never want a marry a man with their bad qualities. I don’t think I will ever marry Manny. Maybe those words will come back to bite me in the ass, but I really doubt it. There are just…..things. Either lack of or the presence of these things, that will keep me from marrying him or even letting it get that far. I do believe we will always be friends and at 80, we’ll be swapping pictures of our grandkids. But I don’t think we’ll have the same grandkids (course unless our kids get married – but thats another story.)

I think what’s bothering me is that I’m afraid of being accused of leading him on again. Its something I never intended to do in the past, yet was still accused of. Its something I’m trying not to do now too. But its harder to not lead on an ex-boyfriend than just a regular guy friend.

If I am silent then I am not real
If I speak up then no one will hear
If I wear a mask there’s somewhere to hide

Silence is golden
I have been broken
Safe in my own skin
So nobody wins

If I raise my voice
Will someone get hurt?
And if I can’t feel then I won’t get touched
If no truths are spoken then no lies can hide

Silence is golden
I have been broken
Safe in my own skin
So nobody wins

Did you hear me speak
Do you understand
Did you hear my voice
Will you hold my hand
Do you understand me

Won’t someone listen
Nobody gets in
My body’s a temple
But nothing is simple
Silence is golden
I have been broken
Something was stolen
Safe in my own skin

Silence is Golden ~ Garbage