i’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all
So we finally talked. And talked and talked. And most of this will not be in the right order. Because I was tired and driving and he was already in bed. And we fell asleep on the phone.
But I told him that because of our situations over the years, his ships my schooling, I kept forcing down a lot of the feelings I had for him. Because I loved him so much (yes, I can actually write that now. Not yet able to say it but getting there.) I didn’t want to prevent him from doing the things he loved doing. And I didn’t want to get hurt watching him doing the things he loved doing. So I forced all these feelings away. I shoved them under my bed, under my schooling, under whatever rock I could find. It wasn’t going to work out, so why put myself through the agony. Why make myself crazy trying to chase after him. How could I being to think I loved him and yet tell him he couldn’t do that which he loved? It was unfathomable to me. So I forced down and out a lot of feelings because I didn’t want to get hurt every time he left. We were moving in opposite directions and it wasn’t going to work.
But while that hasn’t entirely changed, he does want to try. And I think I need to let go of my insecurities. I’ve always felt that he was an 8 and I was a 4. Both physically and many, many other ways. But he’s always treated me like a 10. Even more, and I need to let him and stop thinking that I’m a 4.
He knows me better than I think and this is where I need to give him more credit for that. He knows I’m insecure and understands not wanting to get hurt. But as for being afraid of getting my dreams, he teases me – as he should. "Why are you so afraid? That we might grow old together? That we might be able to watch our children and someday grandchildren grow up? That we might fall in love and be happy?" I’m afraid of the opposite and he does understand that. But we’re reaching this point of… well, as Sarah put it ‘shit or get off the pot.’ And we both want to try.
He does acknowledge that he dropped a huge bomb on me. And we don’t really know what’s going to happen next. If I let the walls down and open up and really try, what then? If we standing on the edge of this cliff, what is the next step? I don’t want to step back from it. Not anymore. I’m still terrified of the jumping. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to jump.
But realistically what does the jump look like? I’m in Michigan and he’s in New York. I don’t want to move back to New York just for him. And he’s said that if I do, he’ll pack me back up on the plane and send me back. And if I left tomorrow, it would be just for him. Except. I don’t want to stay in Michigan. I’ve never wanted to stay in Michigan. I’ve always wanted to move back to New York. I’ve just never found a good reason. Well, not exactly a good reason. But enough of a reason to really move back.
I just sent an email to the camp I used to work summers at (part of Fresh Air Fund, for those NY’ers who have heard of it). I loved that place and everything it did and stood for. I know I can’t move back to NY just for him, and I do not want to. I need a job and something to financially support me. Maybe the world is starting to align. And if Mike and I really want to give this an honest try, I need to start really actively looking for a job there.
I don’t know whats going to happen next, and I’m still terrified. But I’m doing this. I’m moving forward and I want to go. I want to give all of this an honest try. Not just me and Mike, but also moving back to NY. There are definitely things and people that I will miss when I leave Michigan. Its been long enough and I have connections and people that I deeply care for now. In a perfect world, I would put Michigan, Fredonia and downstate all around the corner from each other. I would bring Cleveland Orchestra closer and Lulorial and Kelly and Mouse and James all closer to me. But thats not reality, and in a way thats okay. These people and things wouldn’t be important to me if I didn’t feel this way.
I’m feeling more peace about all this, even though on the outside it may seem like nothing has changed. But things have. And I’m doing this. I don’t know what will happen, and a part of me knows that maybe it won’t all work out perfectly. But I refuse to let my fear keep me from trying. I know one thing that I’m still working on is wanting him and needing him. Its so precise and strong that it hurts. In a beautiful painful wonderful way.
Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor.
Reaching for the phone ’cause I can’t fight it anymore.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind?
For me it happens all the time.
It’s a quarter after one, I’m all alone and I need you now.
Said I wouldn’t call but I’ve lost all control and I need you now.
And I don’t know how I can do without.
I just need you now.
Another shot of whiskey, can’t stop looking at the door.
Wishing you’d come sweeping in the way you did before.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind?
For me it happens all the time.
It’s a quarter after one, I’m a little drunk and I need you now.
Said I wouldn’t call but I’ve lost all control and I need you now.
And I don’t know how I can do without.
I just need you now.
Oh whoa
Yes I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all.
It’s a quarter after one, I’m all alone and I need you now.
And I said I wouldn’t call but I’m a little drunk and I need you now.
Well I don’t know how I can do without.
I just need you now
I just need you now.
Oh baby I need you now.
Need You Now ~ Lady Antebellum