i’d fight for you, i’d lie for you

Here’s something interesting.  I was supposed to come home on Thursday morning.  I didn’t come in until Thursday late at night.  I posted on FB that my flight was delayed.  The only people who commented were my New Yorker friends (besides Megan in AZ, but she’s counted as a NY friend.)  I posted about my cat when I got into my apartment late late Thursday night.  Responses only from NYers.  This morning/afternoon I posted again about heading into work or something equally inane, more to test the waters.  Responses only from New Yorkers.  The only phone calls, texts or wall posts I got while gone for a whole week were from New Yorkers.  And Caitie.  She also was the only person who has said "Welcome back" to me besides my cousin in the airport.  Not a peep from a single person at church.  In a way, I feel as though I’m not only unneeded, but when I’m gone I’m completely un-missed too.

I was hemming and hawing about telling anyone in Michigan about the grande plan to go home.  I knew I could trust my cousin, and I contemplated stepping out on a limb and telling Caitie.  But honestly, there’s no one at church I want to tell.  I feel as though it will paint a bull’s eye on my back.  And for the most part, almost anyone else that I might tell is linked to the church or might attempt to talk me out of it.  Which they can all fuck off with that nonsense.  I decided to tell Caitie, and we’ll see if she mentions it to anyone.  At first she was a bit concerned until I said the soonest would be October and that is highly unlikely.  She admitted she thought I was going to say next week.  I told her I wouldn’t do that to the front desk or my church.  But I need to go back to New York.  We’ll see if she keeps her mouth shut or blabs to the other girls.  I do not want to talk to Emily or Clarissa about it, and definitely not Steph.  There will come a point where I won’t care.  But I’m not there yet.

Anyways – I won’t be going to church on Sunday since its my day off.  I’m planning on doing major cleaning when I get off work (or when I get up in the afternoon), finishing up some church work and then spending Sunday doing some serious organizing of my life.  And I’m hoping to go out with Caitie early on Sunday.  She’s got to work Monday morning, but I want to spend time away from work with her.  But with not going to church, I may not see or hear from anyone at my church until… choir?  Another whole week?

I put a good spin on my church for the public, and I don’t lie about the good things.  But I also don’t tell the whole truth.  There are times like this when I feel like I don’t really belong no matter how hard I try.  I’ll always be an outsider and they don’t really need me.  They don’t really want me.  They can survive without me just fine.

The people who want me are reaching out to me.  They are willing to fight for me.  It seems like every moment that passes, I’m more and more sure of my decision to go back east.

Look into my eyes – you will see
What you mean to me
Search your heart, search your soul
And when you find me there you’ll search no more

Don’t tell me it’s not worth tryin’ for
You can’t tell me it’s not worth dyin’ for
You know it’s true
Everything I do – I do it for you

Look into your heart – you will find
There’s nothin’ there to hide
Take me as I am, take my life
I would give it all, I would sacrifice

Don’t tell me it’s not worth fightin’ for
I can’t help it, there’s nothin’ I want more
You know it’s true
Everything I do – I do it for you

There’s no love like your love
And no other could give more love
There’s nowhere unless you’re there
All the time, all the way, yeah

Look into your heart, baby…

You can’t tell me it’s not worth tryin’ for
I can’t help it there’s nothin’ I want more
Yeah, I would fight for you, I’d lie for you
Walk the wire for you, yeah, I’d die for you

You know it’s true
Everything I do – I do it for you

I Do It For You ~ Bryan Adams