icing over a secret pain

I’m so tired of it all. I just want to curl up in a ball and wake up and be happy for once. I feel like this diary is becoming a chronicling of my hardships and heartaches. I’m sick. I’ve been sick now a week. I went to Cleveland with Tiff on Saturday to pick up her oboe, drop off mine and go see the Cleveland Orchestra. They rocked, no surprise. Friday, I went to orchestra and slept the rest of the day. Saturday I slept until going to Cleveland. I really think that trip might have pushed me over a little too far. I was so sick and tired when I finally got home. I had a fever on Friday which kept popping back up on Saturday and Sunday. I don’t really remember much of Sunday, so I hope I remembered to contact all the people I needed to contact about missing things. It was ridiculously bad. Sunday I think I figured I might have bronchitis, but I wasn’t sure. By Monday I was sure. There was crap rattling around in my chest and just sounded horrid. I couldn’t sleep at night even with the Tylenol nighttime sleepy stuff. I kept waking up every hour or so. Monday it was pouring and I was not going to the Health Center in the pouring rain. So I waited until Tuesday to go. The nurse listened to my chest and explainations of chronic bronchitis and asthma and sent me away with cough medicine. She was nice, but somewhat clueless. I made a “follow-up” appointment for the next day and crawled back into bed.

Meanwhile, Dana has been bitchin’ and moanin’ and complainin’ the whole time about her damn throat. Granted it looked like it hurt and I’m sure it did, but she was making everyone else in the suite miserable too. Jenn told me she and Mel were talking about how I was actually acting sick, sleeping for two whole days. As opposed to Dana, who was running around like an idiot and screaming and yelling. She got her tonsils out and went home yesterday, which is probably a good thing because Jenn, Mel and I are really sick and listening to her complain. Jenn and I were both on the verge of telling her off. Jess doesn’t seem to mind, or she’s not around enough to get annoyed by it. Brooke is also starting to piss some of us off. Now that Dana is gone, Craig is ALWAYS in her room. He’s relatively nice, but its kinda creepy having him there ALL THE TIME! But whatever I’m sick. I don’t really leave my room much.

I went back for the followup appointment, this time with a real doctor who agreed that I had bronchitis and was wheezing. She gave me a script for antibiotics and told me to come back when they were gone if I was still sick. This is day two on the antibiotics and I’m feeling slightly better, but not much. I’m still really tired and worn out, but I think there are other reasons for that now.

Mike called me yesterday morning around 9:30, waking me up. He was all apoligies and said to call him when I woke up. He sounded really odd and I didn’t know what to think, besides “Its 9:30am. I’m going back to sleep.” I called him back after my appointment and he said it was a bad time and he’d call me back later that afternoon. Now I was slightly concerned cause I didn’t know what was going on. He called back around 1 o’clock and I had been sleeping again, but I didn’t care at that point. He kept asking me if I had been crying and I kept telling him no I had a cold. He finally said me he had something to tell me because I was in his life and I should know. There was a death in his family. My mind whirled as I thought, mother – father – aunt – uncle – grandma. His brother, who I knew from high school and jr. high, had committed suicide on Sunday by hanging himself in his apartment. I don’t know how to deal with this or what to do about it. Mike told me Eddie must have been planning it because he gave away all his clothes and stuff and cleaned out his apartment. He dressed himself in a suit and tie, tied his hands, put a bag over his head and hung himself in his apartment. His uncle found him Monday morning. Mike flew home from TX on Tues and is going to be home for a few days. They are having a wake Thurs (today) and Friday and burying him on Saturday. Mike said they wanted to bury him on Friday, but the cemetary is closed or something for a Catholic holiday, so they have to wait until Saturday. I asked Mike if he wanted me to come home, but he sidestepped the question and kind of told me he wanted me to keep focused on my studies and I’d see him when I came home for Spring Break. A part of me really wants to get in a car and just drive home. I want to hold him and make sure he’s ok and dealing with it. He told me he was “hanging in there.” But I know Mike and I know the way his mind works and he’s not really quite accepting this yet. Which might be the best thing at the moment because he needs to be there for his mom and his sister and he knows that too. But who is there for him? I’ll admit there is a jealous part of me wondering if his old girlfriend is there and comforting him. But another part of me just wants to know that he’s ok and he’s dealing with this all somehow. He’s probably going to have to go back to TX to get his car and drive him and I don’t know if he’ll be in the right mind set to do that. I also don’t know if he wants anyone to be there for him right now. I know his family is all there and I’m sure there are other friends there for him and for all I know he may not want anyone to be near him right now. And if that’s the case, I would stay here and just wait. But I just really want to make sure he knows I’m here if he needs me and I can be home in 7 hours tops if he would just ask. But I also know he would realize how hard that would be for me, to just drop everything and drive home for the weekend. But I would seriously do it for him. I don’t want to go home and find out he’s mad at me for doing that, so right now I’m staying here. But I swear to God, if he calls and says he needs me to come home – I’m home. My dad is trying to find out where we could send some flowers or something. It seems like such a stupid tradition. Someone dies and everyone sends flowers.

I’m honestly pissed at Eddie. Why did he do this? Doesn’t he know how much he means to Mike and Maggie? His sister is never going to be the same. She’s a freshman in high school and now has to deal with this too? I have no idea what craziness Mike is thinking, but I know it can’t be good whatever it is. It makes me want to throw things at the wall and scream and yell and bitch and throttle someone.

The real reason I’m so mad is that I’m terrified. I’m scared out of my wits that will be me one day. Not that I’m suicidal right now, but I know how I think when I do get suicidal. It doesn’t make sense. And I feel that the only way to help is to kill myself. I can go more good by killing myself than staying alive. It doesn’t make sense. I’ve never tried to say this thinking does make sense. And whatever Eddie was thinking probably doesn’t make sense either. But he still thought it and carried it out and did it. I’m so scared of doing that and hurting people. I’m sane now. So I know how much I would be hurting my friends and family if I killed myself. But when I’m psycho, when I’m depressed or manic, I don’t think like that. I don’t know why, but I just don’t. I feel like I need to push everyone away just in case I do kill myself. I don’t want anyone getting hurt. Eddie’s actions terrify me because I’ve been close to doing the same thing. And that scares the shit out of me. I never want to put my friends and family through that, but I know when I get in that mindset nothing makes sense. Things that were resonable and sensible go right out of my head.

Rest in peace, Eddie. You’ve left behind so many people with so many questions. They love you so much and will never understand why you did this. Maybe now the demons in your head will release you.

I just worry about Mike.

I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies that you’ve been living in
And if you do not want to see me again I would understand
I would understand

The angry boy a bit too insane
Icing over a secret pain
You know you don’t belong
You’re the first to fight
You’re way too loud
You’re the flash of light on a burial shroud
I know something’s wrong
Well everyone I know has got a reason
To say put the past away

I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies that you’ve been living in
And if you do not want to see me again I would understand
I would understand

Well he’s on the table and he’s gone to code
And I do not think anyone knows
What they’re doing here
And your friends have left you
You’ve been dismissed
I never thought it would come to this
And i, I want you to know
Everyone’s got to face down the demons
Maybe today
You could put the past away

I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies that you’ve been living in
And if you do not want to see me again I would understand
I would understand
I would understand
I would understand
I would understand
I would understand
Understand
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

Can you put the past away
I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
I would understand
I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
I would understand
I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
And I would understand
I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
I would understand
I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
I would understand

Jumper ~ Third Eye Blind