i would travel so far

Oh man, this weekend was great and horrible and amazing and terrible.  Monday night and things are finally starting to catch up. But here’s what I need to remember for the moment.

He doesn’t want to do a long-distance relationship.

He doesn’t want to risk our friendship at the moment.  His last two relationships were his best friends and now he’s lost them.  He lost his best friend and his partner in two swoops and he says he cannot stand going through that again.  He just can’t lose me right now.

It is risk and reward.  The bigger you risk, the bigger your chance at reward.  But you also still chance disaster too.  He also wants to deal with more of his baggage.  He wants to be able to give one hundred percent in a relationship. I understand that desire, but I don’t think any of us is baggage-free.  We both come with baggage.  I told him I didn’t care about his baggage.  And then corrected it to his baggage didn’t scare me.

What scared me was the possibility of getting hurt again.  Last time we had serious conversations like this, he ended up picking another girl.  And I got hurt.  Why couldn’t it be me?

He didn’t want to lose our friendship.  He still doesn’t.  Not right now.

But he understands that as more time passes and as we talk more, feelings deepen and we continue to grow closer.  He never wants to hurt me.  He never intends to hurt me.  He said that if he needed to back off so that I wouldn’t get hurt, he would do that.  He would rather back off a bit than risk hurting me even a tiny bit.

I didn’t want to tell him too bad, too late.  I’m in. I’m absolutely in.  I’m ready to risk everything.  I’m ready to face the heartache and pain if it comes to that.  But he’s not there yet.  And I do understand.  He doesn’t want to be hurt.  He doesn’t want to lose another friend.  He doesn’t want to hurt me again.  And I’m currently in Michigan and he’s in New York.

Although I got a much better answer to why he came out here to begin with.  He likes spending time with me, he likes my parents, blah blah.  He said he knew it was a hard summer on me with four weddings.  He cared about me and wanted to be there for me however he could.  This weekend, he was coming no matter what.  He wanted to see his friend and stand next to her at this event.  Why was that so wrong?

I think I’m the one with fewer fears than he is, but I never would have thought it that way.  In the long run, we’re both still afraid of being hurt or hurting the other person.  And at some point, we’ll have to "shit or get off the pot."  But we’re not there yet.  And thats okay too.  I have things I need to figure out.  He does too.

But he did say that once I was back in Dutchess County, we would continue this conversation.  Distance would no longer be a concern and it would be worth a conversation.  The Bronx and Dutchess are not long-distance relationship material. 

I just have to remind myself, he’s as scared as I am.  Which oddly, only makes me that much more sure of wanting to try.  I don’t know that it would be perfect.  This morning I was cranky and annoyed at a number of things.  I didn’t want to talk about them with him.  I wanted him to finish his paper.  I wanted him to leave me alone so I could sort out everything that had happened and even my own feelings.  He did exactly what Manny used to do; try to get me to talk.  Granted I was annoying him earlier that morning, in a share-the-pain mentality.  He was about ready to throttle me too.  But eventually he went back to studying and let me to eat breakfast in peace and read my book.  And eventually I was able to sort out the important anger from the petty anger.  And we’ve talked about some of it.

The point is that we both tick each other off.  And it may be too much.  There may be too many things that keep us from making it work.  But at the same time, we figured it out and were able to move forward.  To mind-blowing, body-wrenching sex. Yah, there were a few steps between, but thats okay.

And now I’m at work trying to wade through the shit storm that passed through here over the weekend. Tomorrow is Evelyn’s funeral. I’m running the sound board, but I realized that I did not want to go alone.  I still have not dealt with the issues with my grandmother completely.  Becca, Judy, my mother and I had a very tough conversation about Sharon and what to do about Grandma.  Evelyn was… a little younger than my grandmother, but of that generational-era.  She was fine on Sunday.  I remember saying hi to her.

She had a stroke Wedneday and died Friday.

I’m mourning her death for sure, but I’m also pre-mourning the moment when my own grandmothers pass away. Or even worse, my own mother.  I do not do well with the concept of my parents’ dying.  I am an only child and it doesn’t matter how many friends offer to stand up there with me, or if I’m married or have kids.  No one else called her Mom.  And I will be standing there alone.  I do not do well when dealing with this whole parental death concept.  I do not deal well when watching my parents try to deal with their parents, knowing that someday I’ll be in those shoes.

So I asked Mike to go with me to her funeral.  I’m realizing only this moment how crazy this weekend is turning out to be.  We started with a wedding and we’re ending with a funeral.  I know that I would be fine if he wasn’t in Michigan, but that happens to not be the case.  And he was so willing to stand next to me at a wedding – a family wedding – why not at this funeral, which is less scary than all the cousins and family?  He said he would go, so I feel better.

*sigh*  And now I’m going to chug a Red Bull and get down to work.  I’m more exhausted than I thought possible, but I can work through this.
 

Six on the second hand till new year’s revolutions
There’s just no question what this man should do
Take all the time lost, all the days that I cost
Take what I took and give it back to you

All this time we were waiting for each other
All this time I was waiting for you
We got all these words, can’t waste them on another
So I’m straight in a straight line running back to you

I don’t know what day it is, I had to check the paper
I don’t know the city but it isn’t home
You say I’m lucky to love something that loves me
But I don’t as I could be wherever I roam

All this time we were waiting for each other
All this time I was waiting for you
Got all these words, can’t waste them on another
So I’m straight in a straight line running back to you, yeah

Oh, running back to you
Oh, running back to you
Yeah

Oh, I would travel so far
I would travel so far
To get back where you are

All this time we were waiting for each other
All this time I was waiting for you
Got all this love, can’t waste it on another
So I’m straight in a straight line running back to you
Straight in a straight line running back to you
Straight in a straight line running back to you
Straight in a straight line running back to you
 
All This Time ~ OneRepublic