September 26, 2005

I wll not watch the ocean

I realize something while watching Gilmore today. As much as I miss Tim and as much as I loved being his girlfriend, there was a lot about our relationship that might not have worked in the long run. Probably wouldn’t have worked. He was a great guy, but he and I were so different. I look at Jesse and Rory and I don’t see them working out at all. They are too different. They want different things. I look at Dean and Rory, and I didn’t ever see that working out either. Dean never really wanted to go away to school, that was Rory’s dream for him. Jesse never really wanted to “go the distance,” that was always Rory’s dream for him. The life that I imagined having was nothing like the life Tim imagined having. Tim was the perfect thing at the perfect time for me, just like Manny and Mike and Matt (that is a lot of “M’s”!). In reality, I can’t see Tim looking at me and agreeing with what I believe and what I stand for now. In reality, I can’t see trying to make a life with Tim, living under his mother’s thumb. It just wouldn’t have worked out. I would have been miserable and he would have been too. So really, our breaking up was the best and the timing was probably right. Unfortunately, all these insights still leave me alone and missing that warm body next to me.

I told Manny I need a rebound guy. I need someone to help me bounce back from Mike. He said “Yeah, thats just what you need. Meaningless sex.” I told him I didn’t need sex, just a warm body and that feeling of being special to someone. But what Mike and I had, was it ever anything more than meaningless sex? I think that has always been my biggest fear with him, that I was just a piece of ass. I should let it go because he has told me that I am more than that to him. I don’t even know why I’m thinking about this anymore. What I need to be concentrating on is school and moving on with my life. Without Mike.

My lover’s gone
His boots no longer by my door
He left at dawn
And as I slept I felt him go
Returns no more
I will not watch the ocean
My lover’s gone
No earthly ships will ever
Bring him home again
Bring him home again

My lover’s gone
I know that kiss will be my last
No more his song
The tune upon his lips has passed
I sing alone
While I watch the ocean
My lover’s gone
No earthly ships will ever
Bring him home again
Bring him home again

My Lover’s Gone ~ Dido

DarkClouds

September 27, 2005

Ha ha, is it wrong that I love the Gilmore Girls? Anyway, I compltely understand what you mean about a warm body. I can go without sex. But going without having somebody in your arms, holding them as you both fall asleep…. that’s what’s really hard to go without. To me, at least ~WEAVER

Dreamer_Believer

September 28, 2005

Im totally obsessed with the Gilmore Girls. Honestly, one of the best shows on TV. I watch the new episodes and the reruns on cable. I even have the first 2 seasons on DVD. I even got my mom hooked on it. I love that show!! Ok that was just my “I love the Gilmore Girls” speech. Well I hope all is well and I hope to talk to you soon *Heather*

Shazar

I try to stay focused on the idea that everything does happen for a reason, and even the people that step into and out of our lives have served a purpose, even if we are not fully aware of it there and then. When it comes to intimacy, people’s love creates a bond that last eternally. I have to keep hope that both parties always have the best and honest of intentions.

And I don’t think meaningless sex exists, especially after a relationship ends. There may be an absense of emotional connection, but it’s not meaningless; it’s pure, primordial; it’s a way of ritually cleansing ourselves of memories, etc. What you need is something to believe in, a person, a place, a goal… and 500 thread count sheets to envelope your sense when you’re feeling lonely. Be well…