I wish I knew how I felt

Have you ever had a moment when you looked at someone and could see a future? Maybe not the future, but what one might look at. Like when you are driving in a car with someone, and you are talking about where ever you came from or where ever you are going. And in that moment, you see ten years into the future. There is a ring on your finger and a few sleeping kids in the backseat. The bridge lights are flicking past as your husband steers the car home. In that moment, everything seems to just really fit. Its a flash of a moment of something that could be your future. Or how about standing in the kitchen, making dinner while he makes brownies for dessert. Its like a dance, perfect but unrehearsed. You step between the counter and the stove, while he slips between you to reach the fridge. The hub-bub around you isn’t your friends anymore, but your kids discussing their school lives and weekend festivities. You exchange glances and hidden smiles with your husband as one kid starts reciting Monty Python, torturing another out of the room. Amid the noise and mayhem, there is a perfect balance, and there is a future. Its like being allowed a precious moment to see what is possible, what could come to pass.

The only problem comes when your “husband” is not the same person, but two brothers. What happens then?

Maybe its two possibilities of what your future could be. Or maybe its a slap in the face to remind you that these are two brothers. And there is no reason, no way you could dare to come between them. Its my biggest fear. I love my boys; they are some of the best friends I’ve ever had, some of the longest friends I’ve ever had. But they are brothers. I couldn’t come bewteen two brothers. I couldn’t even step into the possibility of coming between two brothers. I look at Manny and Brian. They aren’t blood brothers, but they are the only other guys I know who are that close. God bless the mister, who comes between me and my sister. And God bless the sister, who comes between me and my man! White Christmas The same thing applies to guys. Brian and I were talking about a hypothetical girl who was to come between him and Manny. And all the situations that could arise; what if they both liked a girl, what if a girl liked one and the other brother liked her, what if one of them dated a girl and the girl broke his heart, and just for fun what happened if the girl was a good friend to both of them. The basic underlying principle was “Bros before hos” and I totally agree. But Brian did say that if he and Manny both liked a girl, hopefully the girl would be able to pick and they would be able to be happy in each other’s happiness. And he agreed with my analysis of my boys, that they would be able to withstand a girl in the picture. They are close brothers and good to each other. The last thing I want in the world is to somehow screw that up. There is, of course, the possibility that nothing will be screwed up. That I and they will live happily ever after. Its always there. And like all good things there is a risk in getting there. It might not work. “Great reward is reached with great risk.” Its true and its always been true. But this time the risk is different. Its not just my heart, my life involved. Its two other people I adore, two other people I wouldn’t want to hurt in a million years. Besides the fact that I don’t even know if it would work to begin with.

The bigger question – why am I letting this all bother me so much? I’m going to Rochester on Friday and I’ll see them both. I need to talk to Justin about being bipolar, and for that matter, Ryan too. I just wish I actually knew how much I was willing to risk. I wish I knew how far I would go before stepping back and letting it all go. I wish I knew how Justin felt. I wish I knew how Ryan felt. I wish I knew how I felt.