i will never win this game

So if you’re lucky enough to be on my friends list and really want to read the actual text conversations, see the previous 2 entries.  I’m not ready for them to be open to the public yet.

We texted a little again tonight, but I really did not want to have more of these intense conversations while we were both working nor through text messages.  I said as much, but said I did want to talk more.  I told him I was freaking out.

The conversations are blurring together a bit here.  But he called while I was babysitting and we talked for a bit.  He had said something the other night about not wanting to pressure me into talking, that I wasn’t on the hook or anything.  I tried to explain it was pressure and I don’t care about being on the hook.  I just didn’t know there was a hook to begin with!  I wasn’t ready for these questions and this conversation.  It was out of left field.  He said something about opening Pandora’s box and thats not quite right either.  Its not a bad thing that we’re talking about all this, I just wasn’t ready!

I talked a bit with David about it before he left.  And I talked with Sarah quite a bit after her soccer game.  And I realized, especially with David, how badly I was freaking out.  Through talking with Sarah and thinking about all this a bit as well, I realized I wanted to really talk to him.  Preferably face to face, but no more texting.  And not while either of us was at work.  It was the feeling of not knowing when we’d really be able to talk that was freaking me out.

Not to mention that I have things I want to say to him, but trying to say them freak me the fuck out.  So trying to do that while I’m at work or anywhere in public is just a bad idea.  I need to be home to talk to him.  I’m trying to be brave and I’m trying to figure out why I’m so goddamn scared.  Because its pissing me off!  And making me more scared!

I used to think my trust issues and hesitations with Manny were more Manny-specific.  But now, I’m not so sure.  Because a lot of the same stuff is coming up now again.  Just in a different way.

When I texted Mike tonight that I wanted to talk outside work because I was freaking out, he called and tried to calm me down.  Which sort of worked and sort of didn’t.  I was able to say some things, but not everything.  I want to say them, I’m just terrified and mad that I’m terrified and that is causing all the freaking out.

But why?  Why is this so damn difficult?

I think a piece of a clue lies in parts of this poem I wrote the year I met Mike.

you left me alone with them
with cigarettes and alcohol
telling me to behave and sleep
you jinxed me into insomniac misbehavior
i hope thats what you wanted
cause what i want doesn’t matter
and i’ll still be here when you return
when you decide to come back
when you decide you want me again
i’m a sucker for love
and i need the illusion you make
Too bad there are no lies to blame
only my own deceptions
created to make me smile
when you reject me and leave
i’m not mad at you for leaving
i’m mad at me for caring 
I’m mad at me for needing
This always happens to me
No matter how hard I fight it
I refuse to need anybody
I brace myself against it all
But the enivitable happens
And the time you aren’t there
Is the time I really need you
Even after I promised me
I would never need you again
If I stand on my porch
And curse your name to the stars
It won’t matter it doesn’t help
Cause you are still not here
And I still miss you so

I wrote that only a few months after meeting him.  If I trace back through other poems and diary entries I see a somewhat repeating pattern.  I felt like I was falling for him, but since it wasn’t going to work out, I did everything in my power to stop it.  To repress it.  To ignore it.  Even the entry I wrote about the night he and I met for the first time has some interesting insights.  And I think I’ve spent all this time repressing it all.  In one of the text conversations, I said that I didn’t think I deserved him.  And I think this is a part of it.

Make no mistake.  I do not blame him for any of this.  Its not a fault thing.  Its just a reality thing.  But it was a dream, a wish, a desire tucked somewhere deep, deep inside of me.  And now, its a possibility.  Could I possibly really be getting what I wanted?  The fairy tale is supposed to be fiction.  And its fun in the storybook.  But slightly terrifying in person.

I guess too I never realized how independent I can really be.  In exchange for babysitting Andrew last night, I asked David to look at my old PC laptop and see if he could clean it up and make it run a bit faster.  He was more than willing, which I’m stoked about.  Anyways – the screen saver on that laptop is a scrolling marquee that says "Feed the dragon…….. she’s hungry."  Its spaced out so that you can’t see both segments at the same time.  Sarah texted me something about that and it cracked me up, reminding me of where that came from.

A person who shall remain nameless at this point once made a comment about me.  I had said how I hated being treated like a princess who needed rescuing from a tower.  This person’s response was something along these lines:  I can see the valiant knight, breaking down the castle gate, defeating the ferocious dragon and bursting into your bedchamber.  Only to have you punch him in the nose, yelling at him for destroying your front door and killing your pet.

Okay, so maybe I’m a little independent!  And I think thats all part of whats making this so difficult.  I’m afraid to need someone.  I don’t want to ask for help.  I want to be able to stand on my own.  I’m terrified that if I admit my feelings about Mike – the true depth of my feelings about him and to him, I’ll break.  It will be bending so far, that I’ll just snap.

But I need to keep talking about it and thinking about it.  Because the more I do, the more I understand and the closer I get to being able to say those words out loud to him.  I think he already knows.  But I still need to say them.

I can’t win, I can’t reign
I will never win this game
Without you, without you

I am lost, I am vain,
I will never be the same
Without you, without you

I won’t run, I won’t fly
I will never make it by
Without you, without you

I can’t rest, I can’t fight
All I need is you and I,
Without you, without you

Without…you

Can’t erase, so I’ll take blame
But I can’t accept that we’re estranged
Without you, without you

I can’t quit now, this can‘t be right
I can’t take one more sleepless night
Without you, without you

I won’t soar, I won’t climb
If you’re not here, I’m paralyzed
Without you, without you

I can’t look, I’m so blind
I lost my heart, I lost my mind
Without you, without you

WIthout you.

I am lost, I am vain,
I will never be the same
Without you, without you

Without…you

Without You ~ David Guetta