i will build a path to you

Oh, my god. I’m reading over the synopsis I had orignally written about being bipolar. It was from one of the books I have on the subject, though I don’t remember which one. I had done this to give to Manny and Brian, but I’ve kept it and used it in my English paper. Its scary how I can relate my life to everything in this paper. I can trace different feelings in my life to what is being said in this paper. Let me explain.

In mood disorders, the mood becomes disconnected from the individual’s environment, and feelings of “happy” and “sad” take on rhythms and fluctuations of their own. Sometimes the fluctuations are mild and the affected person only seems to have more ups and downs than others have and to have mood fluctuations that are more difficult to understand. But because they don’t get profoundly depressed or irrationally “high”, the problems are dismissed as being due to a difficult personality or “immaturity.”

I think that Brian sees me this way, as difficult and immature, even though I have gotten profoundly depressed and irrationally “high.” He doesn’t understand that is part of this disorder. He thinks I’m just dumb and stupid. Which I may be, but there are more reasons behind it. I am bipolar. I’m not sure if my dad gets it all yet. Maybe he understands more than I think he does, but I still sometimes he still sees me as being difficult or immature. I know I’ll run across more of these people as I grow up and live and go through life. To me, they may be the ones who are hardest to deal with. They want me to be “normal” and when I’m not, they write it off as being difficult and immature. I don’t want to be difficult or immature and so when people tell me that I am being such, I try to change. I try to “be better,” less difficult, more mature, whatever. I think that I still have a lot of growing up to do and there are times when I can be more easy going, but its hard to find the middle road between being difficult and a doormat. Its hard to find the line between immaturity and enjoying myself. I want to be able to have fun. I want to be able to feel my emotions. I want to be ok with getting upset or sad. Take the situation with Mike. I needed Megan to tell me I was “justified” in being mad at him. Part of me is still furious with him and violently in pain, but another part of me, a quieter part of me is saying “Grow up. Get over it and move on. Don’t be so difficult and immature.” And there is a difference between being justifiably mad and going crazy. I’m allowed to be mad, but I shouldn’t go destroy his bike (which I could do.) I’m allowed to be mad and upset and hurt. But it would be immature to go destroy his bike. Ok, I get that now. But when I talked to Megan, I needed her to tell me it was ok to be hurt and angry and upset. She told me she would have bitched him out. That small voice in my head says “Thats too immature. What is it really going to solve?” Well, to be honest, it solved something. I got my feelings off my chest. I told him how I felt and how pissed off I was. I made sure he knew he hurt me. I forgive him, I really do. But he needed to know that I was mad or else I wouldn’t have been able to forgive him the right way. I think that was my biggest mistake with Manny. I didn’t always tell him when he pissed me off and it festered. I would ignore it because I thought it would be immature or I would appear difficult if I told him off. Eventually it would explode out and the smallest thing would end in a huge argument. I’m trying to get better about that. When someone, especially someone I’m trying to have a relationship with, when they piss me off, I try to tell them. Usually that person will say “Oh, ok. I’m sorry” or something along those lines. Then I can forgive them and let it go. I know its a female thing not to forget things, and I usually don’t. But they said sorry. I forgave them and I can drop it. The things that Mike has done that have hurt me aren’t that many, but I’ve told him when it happens. He doesn’t really apologize, or try and take back what he said, but he’ll say he was sorry for hurting me. Which is enough. He said he’d show up one night and then he didn’t. I told him I was upset. It was the night he was so tired and ended up falling asleep at a rest stop. He didn’t apologize for stopping, but he said he was sorry for making me upset. That’s enough. I don’t want him to change, I don’t want him to say he’d go back and change everything, because he can’t. But he said he was sorry for upsetting me, and I said its ok. I forgave him. Manny has too many strikes against him where he won’t apologize for hurting me. He thinks if he apologizes, its an admission that he did something he shouldn’t have. To me, thats not always the point. Mike should have stopped at that rest stop, because he was driving and he was tired. What if he had an accident and hurt himself and/or someone else. I’m not mad at him for stopping. I was just hurt that he didn’t show up. And he said he was sorry for hurting me. Ok, enough. That’s good enough. I can forgive him for hurting me, especially when that wasn’t his intention. And I’m learning that I’m not being irrational or immature or difficult. And he’s helped me to see that.

Sometimes, on the other hand, the mood states are so extremely abnormal that a person’s ability to judge reality is shattered; behavior can be bizarre and frightening.

“I’m going to drive my car off the side of the road.” Its not a rational thought. Its not reality. My ability to judge reality is shattered. I think those people who try to kill themselves and fail are at that point. They think they can kill themselves by shooting themselves in the mouth. But they aim wrong and shoot off half their face, but still live. Their perception of reality is abnormal and shattered. Its not “real.” When I’m driving down the road, contemplating suicide, there are voices in my head chatting “This is irrational. People love you. You are not alone.” But my reality is skewed. Its not a “real” reality. I can sit there and list the people who I know would be devastated if I died, but I’ll still think about driving the car off the edge of the road. Where is reality? Where is my ability to judge reality? Its been completely shattered. It no longer exists. And its a terrifying place.

And here we confront one of the many ironies of this illness; at the onset of a episode of the disorder, it is not uncommon to feel better than usual. As one manic patient said, “If I’m ill, this is the most wonderful illness I’ve ever had.”

The last time I was manic, my mom told my father something was wrong. His answer was “There’s nothing wrong. She’s doing great. Look how organized she is and how much she’s getting done. I don’t see the problem.” He’s got a point. Usually on the onset, I know whats happening. I know whats going on and I just plain old ignore it. I mean, how can something so good be so bad? I’m getting things done, I’m accomplishing things. How can this be bad? How can this be dangerous? There’s the problem. It feels so good, its so amazing, you don’t want to feeling to end. Usually I’m pulling out of depression and I’m just happy to feel glad, to feel alive. I’m happy to have ideas and dreams. How can this be a bad thing? Well, in all honesty, its not