i want your symphony

I’m still waiting and its driving me insane. I picked up my transcript from DCC on Friday, and now its Sunday and I’m at Dot and John’s for the weekend. Dot’s daughter Kristin is going through the beginning of a divorce. She’s maybe 6 or 7 years older than I am. Her husband Greg basically turned around on Monday and asked her for a divorce. He told her he doesn’t love her anymore.

Let me explain something about Dot and John and their family. They have three children, all older than me. The oldest is Jeanne, who recently married Joe. The next is John Michael, who was married and is now divorced. Kristen is the youngest and married Greg. After John Michael and his wife were married with two kids, she turned to him and said, “I don’t love you. I want a divorce. I don’t want to do this anymore.” John Michael wanted to go to therapy, try to make changes, somehow attempt to make things better. He is a practicing Catholic (like his parents) and took his wedding vows seriously. When he said “For better or for worse” he meant it. But his wife refused. She just didn’t even want to try. It really hurt him, because he didn’t know what to do. They had done the pre-marital counseling and talked about their vows. When he said them, he really did mean them and Stephanie basically told him they were just words to her. He suffered so much.

His mother suffered too. Its heart-breaking to see your children go through such pain. You want to always protect them, whether they are 5 or 35. Dot (his mother) and I were very close and this was before Tim. She told me some of what was happening and how hard it was on John Michael. I used to adore him, being a type of big brother. I still do adore him, as the son of one of my best friends. Dot was like another mom to me when I was growing up and still is.

Anyways, I watched what John Michael went through and I became terrified of love. They had been married with children and suddenly she turns around and says she doesn’t love him. She said she didn’t think she ever really did love him. There it is, ladies and gentlemen, my biggest fear played out right in front of me. I was so scared.

Even with all those fears, I did fall in love. Tim was wonderful and patient and kind and perfect for me. I warned him not to hurt me, but he did. We didn’t get married and we don’t have kids, but he did basically the same thing to me that Stephanie did to John Michael. I haven’t loved anyone with that intensity since. I’m way too afraid to. And its not for lack of trying. Manny tried to get me to love him and a part of me wanted to. But you can’t force love. Maybe Manny and I just weren’t meant to be, or maybe I am too scared.

I know part of the reason Manny and I didn’t work out is because of my bipolarism, but still I am terrified that there is something wrong with me. That somehow I’ve been scared into not loving that completly. I love my parents and I love Megan and I do love other people. But its a different kind of love. Its not the kind of love that leaves you wide open to hurt and pain, but also to greatest joy.

Its like someone used to beat on my heart. Just took a belt to it. And so I curled up around my heart to protect it. I’ll open up a little bit, but not a lot. I’m scared of opening up again. I’m scared of the possibility of being that hurt again. Its almost a reflex, that I can’t open up that much anymore.

Now I’m watching Kristen going through the same thing her brother went through. And she is hurting. She is in so much agony and pain, but she’s trying not to let it show because she has two small children to take care of.

To make matters even more messed up, she thinks there is something wrong with Greg. She thinks he’s fighting some inner demon and he’s pushing her away in the process. I’m not sure if it is true, but he does sound depressed to me. He’s not going through all of the symptoms of bipolar disorder, but the depression sounds serious. Its like I’m watching me at Calvin while Manny desperately tried to help. I don’t think Greg knows what is wrong or even how to get help. I didn’t know all that either. But Kristen is suffering because she just doesn’t know what to do. And she’s coming to me for help! I don’t know what to tell her. If Greg doesn’t want help, or won’t accept any, there is almost nothing that can help him. Even if they lock him up in a hospital, it won’t help at this point. He needs to want help, or at least accept it. Actually he needs to admit there is a problem first.

A part of me thinks I should tell Kristen to put him on suicide watch, but I don’t want to scare her like that. She’s been suicidal and she knows what its like. She’s already lost her husband (to himself). I don’t want her to start thinking he’s going to die. I’m worried about her too. She’s living for her kids right now, because he was all she lived for before. She kept telling me he is her breath of life. Without him, nothing matters. Its romantic and amazing, but I don’t ever want to be like that. What if he wasn’t leaving her? What if a drunk driver one night killed him? Would she curl up and die too? I understand when you lose someone that close to you, a part of you does die a little. But there has to be something more than that, right?

Is there more to life than love?

There’s a song that inside of my soul.
It’s the one that I’ve tried to write over and over again.
I’m awake in the infinite cold,
but you sing to me over and over and over again.

So I lay my head back down,
and I lift my hands and pray
to be only yours
I pray to be only yours.
I know now you’re my only hope.

Sing to me the song of the stars.
Of your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again.
When it feels like my dreams are so far,
sing to me of the plans that you have for me over again.

So I lay my head back down,
and I lift my hands and pray
to be only yours
I pray to be only yours.
I know now you’re my only hope.

I give you my destiny.
I’m giving you all of me.
I want your symphony.
Singing in all that I am.
At the top of my lungs,
I’m giving it back.

So I lay my head back down,
and I lift my hands and pray
to be only yours
I pray to be only yours.
I know now you’re my only hope.

Only Hope ~ Mandy Moore