i want you to work me good

Twelve in12

Reading
Queen’s Play ~ Dorothy Dunnett
The Other Boleyn Girl ~ Philippa Gregory
Myst: The Book of Ti’ana ~ Rand Miller

Finished
Mirror, Mirror ~ Gregory Macguire
Witchling ~ Yasmine Galenorn
Changeling ~ Yasmine Galenorn
Something Wicked ~ Catherine Mulvany
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince ~ J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows ~ J.K. Rowling
Myst: Book of Atrus ~ Rand Miller, Robyn Miller and David Wingrove
The Game of Kings ~ Dorothy Dunnett

So I wrote this long beautiful entry yesterday about this hour and through some odd keystroke (which I still can’t figure out) got deleted.  I was tired and too annoyed to try and recreat it, so I didn’t type anything up.  So I’ll fill in and update the newest news.

I failed Spanish.  I’ve discussed it with my mother and she was surprisingly supportive.  I’ve had the conversation, and run over all the implications so many times I don’t feel like doing it again.  At least not right now.  I spent Thursday afternoon working on packing and organizing and cooking ravioli.  I swear I’m never buying it again.  I just need to get better at the creating of packets.  Instead of little raviolis which can be picked up by a fork and eaten in one bite, I had these huge things.  I ended up eating them by hand, almost calzone style cause it was easier than trying to get them to stay on the fork.  They were too big and just kept ripping and falling off.  Either way, the filling was amazing.  I couldn’t find a specific recipe, so I kind of made it up and eyeballed everything.  So good.  It worked well in the calzones I ate today too.

I started having an anxiety attack about the Spanish class which is what led to the cooking (making pasta dough and the filling and cooking – not to mention the sauce I made too.  I’d almost forgotten how much cooking really does relax me.  It makes me feel so calm and lowers the anxiety in a way nothing else can.  I only wish I had more people to cook for.  Its a big part of why I miss Newfie so much.  I loved spending the afternoon cooking and then having him come over and eat.  It may be a little 1950-ish, but I don’t care.  I loved it!  It reminds me that as much as I love my oboe (most days) and I love playing, I love being a house-wife type person.  I love setting up my apartment and nesting and cooking and being that 1950s housewife.  I really did love serving Newfie while he worked on the couch.  Even when it wasn’t Newfie, when it was Nitta, Baboon and her sisters I loved doing it.  They all pitched in and helped, which I was grateful for.  But honestly they could have sat back, chatted with me and let me do everything.  The only thing I really hate doing is washing dishes.  But that is mostly because I can’t get cold water and the space is so cramped.  I have a lot more room in the new apartment and the cold tap is actually cold!  Imagine that!  I want that family to do that for.  I want kids to help do homework and raise.  I know I’ll be scared to death I’ll screw them up or raise them wrong.  But I also know every parent goes through that fear and this is what makes them good parents.  You try your best and learn from mistakes.  Newfie did cook for me a few times and I did enjoy it, especialy being waited on and not having to do anything.  But I really do love cooking for others.  Even back home, at my parties, I like to cook and prepare and serve and enjoy.  People always offer to bring things and help out, which I do appreciate.  But its almost difficult for me to accept their help.

I don’t know if its a control thing, or a needy thing or a mix or what.  But its part of me I’m discovering and finding.  Manny is out here tonight with a friend.  They are doing a music video shoot up in Buffalo tomorrow and are sleeping here tonight and tomorrow.  It ended up being pretty perfect.  They needed food, so I’m able to get rid of my leftover chicken and other random stuff that I haven’t finished.  I spent a good portion of today cooking up the chicken and preparing it for his crew.  I know how much he appreciates it because it means he doesn’t have to arrange a lot of food for them.  But it was really good for me.  Much more than he realizes.  I found out the news today that I didn’t pass Spanish and the concept of trying to pack up my apartment and move had me pretty stressed out.  The cooking helped so much.  As I started bringing things into my new apartment I felt so much better too.  Its new nesting.  Its a new place to be, and I’m really excited about it.  We’ll see how the set up goes and the packing admist the scattered storms.  Wish me luck!!

Even in the wreck house of a promise
Even in the gem blow of an awe fist
Everyone’s an air flow through the blonde dirt
Everyone’s an asshole in the wonder
When every commotion controls my wants
I lay down long and know other hurts
If it’s not a problem
I want you to work me good
I want you in motion
I want you to go down full
I want you to yell
With your hair in my finger
You know you make me so
Misogynous
When I is us
Every time the bread breaks there’s a hunger
Every second heart aches with a thunde

r
Heaven in the jet stream of a bong drain
Heaven in the meat dream of an all-way
When every emotion takes hold and haunts
I lay down hard and know other worlds
If it’s not a problem
I want you to work me good
I want you in motion
I want you to go down full
I want you to yell
With your hair in my finger
You know you make me so
Misogynous
When I is us
You make me so
And now we know the sound
Of blue eyes rolled over, the smell of fine young hope
The feel and taste of always
So I can’t yet shout and I can’t roll over
And I’m breaking a sweat
It’s time to wake up
Thank you, you’ve made me so…
And I is us
 

I Is Us ~ I Mother Earth