I try counting sheep

I wonder when talking to your ex-boyrfriends about current boyfriends becomes easier? I mean Manny and I say we’re friends, actually really good friends. I think he is second only to Megan. I know Kaba thinks we are so wonderful and close, but she doesn’t have the test of time the way Megan and Manny do. But I have plenty of issues with Kaba. I wonder if my birthday is the marker of time, when we stop talking for a few months, then all of a sudden we’ll catch up. I don’t know and frankly I don’t care. Note lack of conviction in that last sentence. But I’m stubborn and I won’t call her. I won’t apologize for something I don’t think is my fault. But I suppose I could tell her why I’m mad at her. I shouldn’t expect her to be a mind-reader. But what she did…. I would think she could figure out why I was so pissed or at least get an idea. I’m not going to be pressured into apologizing when I didn’t do anything wrong. I refuse to be pushed around like that. And I know whatever happens, she’ll twist it and turn it so its not really her fault. Maybe I should call Destiny and see what she thinks. But I’m kind of mad at Destiny too.

Alright, alright. I wasn’t going to write about Kaba and how mad I still am at her. I was going to write about Manny and how frustrated I am with him. Its nowhere near the same level, but its still there. I think it doesn’t matter what else happens in our lives, we’ll never be just friends. There will always be that stigma of our past relationship. I can’t imagine what he feels when I start talking about some other guy, especially a guy like Mike. I can’t tell if it hurts him or bothers him. Even if it did, he would never admit it to me. He wants me to be able to talk to him about any and everything. Maybe someday we’ll have a relationship like Will & Grace, where they can (and do) talk about every little thing in their lives. But I really don’t see me and Manny ending up that way. I think there will always be that stigma between us. Even when we are seperatly married with our own lives and families, we’ll always have that mental label of each other – ex-boyfriend, ex-girlfriend. That label will never really go away. Maybe it will fade, but that label will always be there.

I didn’t realise how close I am to breaking down until just now. I’ve been able to hold it together for a pretty long time, but I can feel one coming up. I think the shock of Mike coming home and seeing him again, even the way he reacted threw me off. I really thought whenever he came back he’d be cooler and our relationship wouldn’t mean as much as it actually does. I really don’t know what to think about him. I think his reaction on Thursday when I first called and what happened Thursday night did something to me and my emotions. I swear I felt closer to him than I ever have before. And I felt wanted by him, I mean really wanted. I really didn’t expect that at all. And then, last night, when I called, he was so much cooler, more reserved. Granted, he was tired and trying to get home, so I’m trying not to read too much into it.

I think what’s really getting to me is the fact that it is bothering me. It warns me that he has that power over me. He can make me happy or sad, loved or hurt. Its not that he controls my happiness, cause he doesn’t. But that he has an affect on it. And that he now has the power to hurt me. As long as he didn’t have that, I was fine with our relationship. But now, I don’t know. I think he could actually hurt me. And that really scares me. Scares me enough to want to push him away. But I don’t think he’d come after me if I did. I know what he’s scared of. He doesn’t want to get married. He’s not ready for it. I think its a good thing he knows that and I think its even better that he’s telling me this. That way I know where he stands with me. But honestly, I don’t want to get married anytime soon either. Sure, as a child I wanted to get married around 25 and have kids by the time I was 30, but realistically its not going to happen. Look at my life. Besides the lack of a boyfriend, I am not at the right time in my life to be getting married and having a family. I want (and need) to go back to school and get a life and career before I start thinking about settling down. And I realise this. So why the hell am I letting him get to me? I don’t know the answer to that question. It would be nice to be able to call Mike my boyfriend. Actually it would be nice to have a boyfriend period. It doesn’t have to be Mike. But I have to be realistic. I’m not getting married in the next 4, even 6 years. I have too many other things to do first. And I don’t want to fall in love right now, regardless of whether or not I marry said person. I don’t want to get hurt again. I guess thats the real issue. I don’t want to get hurt. I don’t want to get involved in a relationship because I don’t want to get hurt. I don’t want a guy to have that ability over me right now. Maybe he won’t hurt me, but the possibility, the opportunity of being hurt is what really scares me. And I really don’t like that Mike seems to be at the point where he could hurt me.

He once told me that he hasn’t found the woman who is right for him. He flat out told me that I was not someone he could marry. It didn’t hurt when he said that. Because I didn’t think I could marry him either. And even now I’m not really convinced that I could marry him. So why am I going to let him hurt me? Why do I have this creeping suspicion that he can? I care about him. I know next to nothing about him and I really care about him. Maybe that’s just my nature. I care about people. As much as I try to be apathetic, it is just not who I am. I care. But I care about Heather and I don’t think I’ll ever speak to her again. But what I feel for him goes deeper than that. Maybe its true that sex (especially for girls) brings with it a permanent connection to the other person. Except I didn’t always feel like that. It didn’t matter that much that he was gone. I had really accepted the fact that I probably would never see him again. And I was really ok with that fact. And should he go back out and should I move away and should we never talk or see each other again, I think I would be okay with that. Maybe not. I’m not sure right now.

The worst part about all this is I can’t really talk to him about it. I write so much better than I talk. And when I write, I can make sure things come out in the right order and sound ok. Besides the fact that he’s never around long enough to talk to. And I hate talking on the phone to him. Its too hard to judge people’s reactions when you can’t see their faces and their eyes.

What I really need is another 12 hours today. I need to get some real sleep and do some real thinking…..

I need some sleep
You can’t go home like this
I try counting sheep
But there’s one I always miss

Everyone says I’m getting down too low
Everyone says, “You just gotta let it go”
You just gotta let it go
You just gotta let it go

I need some sleep time to put the old horse down
I’m in too deep and the wheels keep spinning round

Everyone says I’m getting down to low
Everyone says, “You just gotta let it go”
You just gotta let it go
You just gotta let it g