i trust you more than i trust anyone else

Did anyone else notice the trend in the mood diary over the weekend? I was depressed most of the weekend. I never really got extremely happy or overjoyed. I never reached that level of enjoyment. I should have. I faked most of it. And I got away with it because the one person who would have called me on it wasn’t there. It took a two hour phone conversation to figure out what was really wrong. I knew the symptoms, but I couldn’t figure out the reasoning behind it.

I thought I wanted Manny back. I thought I was upset that he had found someone else and was moving on. Everytime he mentioned her, I was comparing how perfect she was for him and how wrong I was for him. I know how much I love him, but I know how much he and I wouldn’t have worked. None of what I’ve been feeling has added up. But tonight, I think I figured it out. I’ve let him in. I trust him. I want him in my life, and I want to be in his life. Trust with me is a huge deal. I completely trust, oh, four people in the world? He’s one of them. He fought so long and so hard to get in. And this girl come along. Here’s the problem – I felt like I was losing him. I can take the issues I was having about him falling in love with someone else. That’s part of life and I need to deal with it. He’s not my boyfriend anymore and he’s not obssessed with me anymore. I don’t make him crazy the way I used to. Which is a huge step for him and for us. But I don’t want to lose him. And that’s what I felt like. I want us to be 80 years old and still be best friends.

He said he doesn’t want me to use him as a crutch anymore. He said he thinks part of it is just me and part of it is the disease. But regardless, I shouldn’t use anyone as a crutch. And he’s right. And I understand that. But I don’t use him as much as I used to. But part of this disease is suicide. I get suicidal and there’s nothing I can do about it. Jenny and I were discussing this earlier. I’m so annoyed that I’m depressed and suicidal because there’s nothing wrong. But that’s sometimes part of the disease. I’m bipolar. I get depressed. These are the ways of my life. I will always be this way.

I understand he doesn’t want me to use him as a crutch. I can accept that. But I don’t want to lose him. He’s too important to me. He fought to get in and now he’s in. I don’t let many people in. I’m too terrified. I only let them in so far and see so much. He’s all in. There are four people in the world I trust to save my life when I can’t save it. That doesn’t mean I expect them to be at my beck and call. That doesn’t mean that every time I’m suicidal or depressed, I will always call them. It means I will call them before I kill myself. They are the only people I trust to talk me out of doing it. They are the only people who I trust will know what to say or do. And maybe they won’t know. Maybe their best answer will be to tell me to check myself into a hospital. But if that’s their best answer, that’s probably what I should do. I trust them to keep me alive. That’s a lot to throw on someone. And I know its not a fair request. But none of them carrying the burden unwillingly.

I never want Manny to feel like he’s trapped by me. If he wants out of that trust, out of that situation, I will let him go. But then I can’t have him in my life. It may sound like an ultimatum and perhaps it is. But when you’ve gotten that far into my brick wall, you can’t just come and go. You’re there. If you choose to leave, you have to start at the beginning and work your way back in. It’s not that I don’t want him to have his own life, or meet someone or be happy. I just don’t want to lose him.

Unfortunately, it took a two hour conversation for me to come to that point. Partly because I didn’t know that was the point. He made a comment about women’s conversational technique compared to men’s. Woman dance around the subject, coming extremely close, teasing, but then moving away again. Its just another form of foreplay. Men just want to get in and get it over with. It was pretty funny, I must say.

I also figured out partly why I was upset this weekend. My analogy was of a candle. This weekend I lit the music candle again. Its burning bright and beautiful and it was wonderful to see. But it shows the stark comparison in my life. My love life, is basically non-existent right now. I need someone who understands me. I need someone who undestands music, but not necessarily a musician. I need someone who will understand the bipolarism. Up until now, the only person who has come close is Manny. But it can’t be him. And I know that. But its just something I have to work through. Manny’s analogy, which I like a lot better, is that of a house. My house was torched and burned to the ground. I had to build it back up from the ground. And now, I have a beautiful, perfectly furnished and prepared, music conservatory and no bedroom. It will take time. But it will happen. And he’s right. It will happen and it will take time.

So now, its 2am. I think I’m finally tired enough to get some sleep. But the picture I’m left with is a charred house, slowly being rebuilt. What is finished is the foundation. Mixed with the concrete is blood and tears, but the foundation is firm. The only finished room is a music conservatory. There are beautiful plants on the window sill. A desk is set up with reed making tools. The bookcases are lined with manuscripts and books on music. If you look close enough, you can see where the fire ravanged the room. But if you didn’t know and couldn’t see the rest of the house, you would have never known. The remainder of the house is still black and charred. There are pieces of a forgotten life, past loves, old toys. But they are useless. The house is surrounded by a tall thick brick wall with no entrance. Surrounding that wall is another wall, and another and another. Between the walls are trees and shurbs and lovely little forests. You can see parts of the walls where someone tried to get through. Pieces have been chipped off, but the wall held firm. Panning away, to bring the house and the surrounding walls into view, you notice people at various points along the wall and along the circles. Some are trying to get over the next wall. Some are just making it over one wall. Some are patiently waiting. One or two have just crashed into the next wall and look stunned to see it, instead of the house they expected. There are only four people sitting on the front steps of the house, admiring the work being done by yours truly. This is what my life is right now.

It’s hard to see the sun sometimes
Through these eyes
It’s hard to see the truth sometimes
Looking through these eyes
But yet I try

Window sill world of mine
Maybe sometime
I’ll get up and go outside
Leap of faith
I could close mv eyes and jump
The hope of someday is safer
And it doesn’t hurt as much

I stand at the edge of the world and I cry
The rain beating down on my face as I try
To swallow my fear of failing again
And wait for the clouds to break for the sun

Do you remember the time
When you said you could see the worry in my eyes?
You don’t know how hard I’ve tried
To let it go, let it go, let it all subside

It all seems so different when I
Look into your eyes
It all seems so simple when I look
In from the outside
Yeah, everything seems fine

You know me better than I know mvself
And I trust you more than I trust anyone else
But promises broken are promises made
At least from what I’ve seen, it all fades away

Do you remember the time
When you said you could see the worry in my eyes?
You don’t know how hard I’ve tried
To let it go, let it all subside

Blindspot ~ Brandtson