i never thought you’d last

I know NoJoMo is over, but that picture is so pretty.  If I had the original, I would change the wording on the picture.  But I am not photo-savvy enough to know how to do that.  So for right now it stays.

The response I got to my last entry was kind of overwhelming.  I don’t expect many to ever read the ramblings I put here, and so when more than my few loyal favorites read and comment, I’m always amazed.  Some one suggested I let Manny read the entry.  My initial response was absolutely not, no way!  He doesn’t know the lynchpin reason.  He doesn’t even know it exists.  For my own reasons, I don’t want him to know.  Because to him it won’t seem like a good reason.  But if he was on my side of the issue, he’d understand.  How messed up is that?  Its simple, yet complicated.

Perhaps I should explain.  I’m a Christian, an everyday 24-hours a day Christian.  More Lutheran than I ever thought and more Calvinistic than I’ll ever admit.  To liberal Christians, I’m old-school conservative.  To conservative Christians, I’m way-out there liberal.  Which I find amusing and frustrating, just depending on the day.  After all the guys I’ve dated, after all the men I’ve loved, I know one absolute in the man I want to marry – He must be a Christian.  We have to start there.  The denomination can come later.  But I cannot marry and raise children with a man who does not carry the same core beliefs that I do.  That is the one lynchpin with Manny.  I tried, but I just can’t.  As Tevye says, "If I try to bend that far, I’ll break."

A note: This is a decision for me and my life.  Not everyone, not even every Christian, has to agree absolutely with me.  But this is my line in the sand.  This is my life and my choice.

Anyways, I’ve never told Manny because I do not want him to become a Christian for me.  As much as I do want him to be a Christian, both for himself and because then maybe we’d be together, it is something he needs to do for him.  It is not something I want to influence in that way.  I also don’t want him to try and pretend, lie to himself about what he really believes.  I want him to be him.  Maybe that seems incredibly self-centered, but its where I am.  Only a few of my close friends know this reason along with why I don’t tell him.  It is not something I share with just anyone.  But there you go.

Another reason I don’t show him the entry is I know it will only hurt him.  Even if I took out the lynchpin references.  To know that I still dream about us together is just cruel to him.  Maybe he already knows, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he did.  But it would be cruel to say that to him, to try and keep that line snagged to his heart.  There are things we no longer say to each other because we know how much it hurts the other person, even if its true.  That is part of our relationship and friendship now.  We protect each other by the silence.  We don’t ask those questions and we don’t say those things.

The only part I might send him is the last part.  

It may seem like settling, but its not. We don’t always get to face the choices we want. There’s not always the option to pick a different question or a different scenario. So when the what if’s fade away and the dreams slip back into shadows, we are left with reality. The choice that does face me is if I want this man in my life at all, in any form I can have him. I get to make that decision. There are times when I feel that it would be easier if I removed him from my life. There are times when I do distance myself from him. But at the end of it all, I still want him in my life. Even if we can’t be everything we wished we could be. Thats a choice we both made and one I’m glad we ended up on the same side.

But I feel like we’ve said this before.  Maybe not as eloquently, but this is the culmination of our last two major fights.  The past was done; what was said is said.  All that is left is the future.

 
The future.

It honestly does scare me.  While I want him in my life, I don’t know what that will look like with a boyfriend or a husband in the picture.  Manny and I have a shorthand about us.  Even when we don’t talk for weeks or months, its still there.  It comes from years of friendship and common likes.  We do it even when we don’t mean to do it, which is almost worse.  I never want to make my future husband feel like a second choice.  That since I can’t have Manny, I’ll settle for him.  Which is really not true.  Besides the lynchpin, Manny and I have gone too far past a point that we cannot return from.

You know, until I wrote that sentence, I’m not sure I thought it was the truth.  But it is.  We are too far gone down the road of no-return.  We can’t go back to what we were – friends or lovers.  We are something completely undefinable at this point.  If I had wishes, I might wish to be able to go back and do things differently.  But the past has happened and we are where we are now.  There’s no going back.

Even so, I’m terrified – really truly scared – that this relationship and this choice to keep Manny in my life will mar any future relationships I might attempt.  While I’ve dated other men since Manny and I, they’ve never been incredibly serious.  The closest was Mike, and Manny hated him.  Mike was pretty indifferent because as he put it, he was the winner and the guy I fell asleep next to, not Manny.  But Manny absolutely hated him, and I think in a way still does.  I’m sure if you asked, he’d adopt an attitude of indifference because he knows Mike and I have no future.  So what does it matter what he thinks?  **rolls eyes**  Sometimes men can be so macho.  Either way, the two of them did not get along.  Even though they had plenty in common (besides me) and would have been deadly if they combined forces against me.

And a part of me really wants that.  I want Manny and "The Boy" to get along and enjoy each other’s company.  I want "The Boy" to be able to feel like he could ask Manny for advice when dealing with me.  Or even be able to just let Manny help me if it were to come to that.  To be able to dial Manny’s number and hand me the phone when I’m a hysterical mess.

Except….

I don’t want to share a relationship between three people.  I don’t want the relationship to be me, Manny and "The Boy."  It needs to be just me and "The Boy."  The rub, the grind, is that Manny is a part of my life.  He is a part of my life because it is a choice I’ve made to keep him in my life.  Remember last entry?  I get to decide if he is part of my life or not.  Its my decision and no one else’s.  I worry what that will mean for the future though.  He’s part of my past and a part of my present, and currently I want him a part of my future.  But not at the expense of my husband.

I suppose the argument could be made that this might become a moot point when it actually happens.  Maybe it will just work out and not be a problem.  Maybe I’m creating a problem where there won’t be any.  I suppose its because I have found no parallel in fiction or history that fits our situation.  Manny has compared us to Harry and Sally from the movies.  Except that in the end, they ended up together.  I don’t see that being our future.  Not to mention, their past isn’t really our past.  They were much nicer in the movie compared to us.  I’ve yet to find a parallel (outside soap operas) where people go from friends to lovers to friends while inflicting the worse damage on each other.

Seriously, I think our story has been written in multiple soap operas minus the illegitimate/missing children, siblings and parents, fake deaths and people who come back to life.  But it has included death, vicious emotional attacks, manipulation, lying, intense love, strong loyalty and everything in between that.

And now I’m back to incessant ramblings.  This is what happens when I try to write at work.  Too many thoughts dancing around.  So I’m gonna stop.

Maybe when the room is empty,
Maybe when the bottle’s full.
Maybe when the door gets broke down, 
Love can break in.

Maybe when I’m done with thinking,
Maybe you can think me whole.
Maybe when I’m done with endings
This can begin, this can begin
This can begin.

If you could be my punk rock princess, 
I would be your garage band king.
You can tell me why you just don’t fit in
And how you’re gonna be something

Maybe when your hair gets darker,
Maybe when your eyes get wide,
Maybe when the walls are smaller
There will be more space

Maybe when I’m not so tired,
Maybe you could step inside
Maybe when I look for things that 
I cant replace, I cant replace
I cant replace.

If you could be my punk rock princess,
I would be your garage band king.
You could tell me why you just don’t fit in,
And how you’re gonna be something.

If I could be your first real heartache,
I would do it over again.
If you could be my punk rock princess,
I would be your heroine.

I never thought you’d last,
I never dream you would.
You watch your life go past,
You wonder if you should.

If you should be my punk rock princess,
So I could be your garage band king.
You could tell me why you just don’t fit in,
And how you’re gonna be something.

If I could be your first real heartache,
I would do it over again.
If you could be my punk rock princess,
I would be your heroine.

Whoa! you know!
You only burn my bridges
Whoa! you know!
You just cant let it sink in!
You could be my heroine,
You could be my heroine!

Punk Rock Princess ~ Something Corporate