i missing you to death

This weekend deserves a much longer entry than I’m going to have time to write. But I’ll get most of it all down hopefully.

Friday I went to Hob Nobbin with my mom for dinner. Mike called to tell me he and Brian were on their way up. They had been drinking and I was worried. Its not that I think he’s out of control, (although I do think he’d get a DWI if he was pulled over), it has more to do with my father. Which upsets me on a whole nother level. My dad used to drink and then drive. He thought he was still in control and he’s never had a ticket or accident. But it doesn’t mean he’s ok to drive. Well, he seems to think so. I’ve learned to respect his decisions and try to protect myself when he’s like that. But it still really upsets me. And its an echo of that when Mike has been drinking and then insists on driving. So he’s older and has more experience. He knows himself better and says he knows when he’s in control and when he’s not. But alcohol lowers your inhabitions, why wouldn’t it lower your standards of driving? He told me he wouldn’t drive if he didn’t think he could handle it. And I have to respect that its his car and his life. But its just something that has always affected me. My father is NOT an alcoholic. Let’s clear the air on that topic. I don’t care that he drinks at social events or when he’s out to dinner or at home. I don’t care if he drinks himself to a 12-hour dead sleep. I just don’t want him behind the wheel of a car. Especially if I have to ride in that car. I was subjected to that as a child, because I didn’t have the guts or the means to get away. But now I do and I will. I refuse to ride in the car he’s driving if I think he’s unsafe. My parents have always taught me not to ride with someone who makes me uncomfortable. I guess my dad never thought it would backfire to include him. I’ve walked home from work because he gets road rage and scares the living daylights out of me. Why would I get in a car with him drunk? Anyways, I should tell Mike that it slightly upset me. But he didn’t have to drive me anywhere. And I have no intention of riding with him if he has had too much to drink.

Anyways, I digress. Mike and Brian were a lot of fun at the restaurant. We were being loud and funny, but we were back in the corner and our waitress didn’t seem to mind. We had a lot of fun. They were telling some hysterical stories and we were all acting stupid. Kaba was supposed to show up but Destiny’s grandma went in the hospital so she didn’t. I kinda didn’t care that they didn’t come. I went over to Kaba’s afterward dinner to see them. Destiny was high, which kinda pissed me off. I wanted to try and talk to Kaba about what was bothering me without Destiny there. Nitta had told her I was pissed. Which I find funny that Kaba was trying to protect Nitta by saying a little bird told her I was mad at her. Nitta is the only person who knew besides Mike and Megan that I was really upset. So she is the only one who could have told Kaba. But I’m glad she did. It clued the “I-know-everything-about-my-friends-I’m-so-attentive” Kaba into the real world. But Destiny was there and she was high which was kinda pissing me off but kinda not. Then Kaba’s dad wanted something sweet from the diner. (I swear if he was my dad, I’d tell him to go screw himself. I would not go out to get him something to eat at 11pm, but whatever.) Kaba wanted me to go, but I was in no mood to ride backseat to her and Destiny again. That got old like 6 months ago. So I went home and told her to call me on Saturday so we could talk. Yeah, right.

Saturday morning was eye doctor, where I got new contacts that annoy the hell out of me and really don’t work that well. And I spent Saturday downloading music for my Ipod and pretending to study. I had a concert at Vassar Saturday night and I wanted to see Mike. He had told me he wanted to have dinner or something after he dropped his sister off from skiing. I was late getting ready for the concert and then I was late driving there. I called him on the way and he told me they had already dropped his sister off and were halfway home. So I was a little nonplussed with him, but whatever. I can’t force him to come back. So I was in an icky mood when I got to Vassar and then I realized I had left my music on my bed at home. I had checked my folder to make sure the music was there, but then I left it sitting on my bed. I was so upset. I called my mom and ran in to find my conductor and tell him what happened. He’s so nice and he could tell I was pretty stressed out. Thankfully there was plenty of time for my mom to get my music to me. Well, not plenty but perfectly enough. Everyone was already downstairs, so I went to the upstairs room to warm up, while I waited for my mom to get there. I have like one good reed left and my English horn reed definitly keeled over like months ago. So I was trying to salvage it and trying to relax myself enough to play.

The performance actually went really well. When I was upstairs warming up, I decided I was going to take everything, my stress and emotions, from that week and just let it out through the music. Seriously, I forgot how therapeutic it feels to do that. I mean piano is one thing, but its not as physcial as the oboe is. And its just different. Its easier for me on the oboe than on the piano. I think the oboe also has more emotional attachments to it, which helps and hinders, but thats another entry. So in this piece we played, I have a huge English horn solo. And on stage I just let go and let everything out in it. I swear it never felt so good before. I think I’ve been overthinking the whole thing and only now I am starting to remember how to just play. To let the music just flow through me. Pull it up from the floor and collect it in my head to then flow down my arms and out my oboe. Its a huge visualization thing, but it really works. Brian told me afterwards that its the best he’s heard me play in a very long time. That’s one thing I really love about Brian. Since he is such a great musician, he knows when he hears something good, and he doesn’t give empty compliments. He doesn’t tell me I did great when I sucked. He usually won’t say anything unless I ask him. But he came out on his own and complimented me. It just really meant a lot. But I could tell he knew how upset I was. His dad was there to drive him home, which was bad and good. I kinda wanted to talk to him, but I also wanted the time to myself.

I sat in my car for a long time. I thought of calling Nathan to see if he wanted to play pool, but I wasn’t sure I really wanted to play or even see him. I thought of calling Nitta, but I didn’t want her either. I hadn’t heard from Kaba and I really didn’t want to hang out with her and Destiny. I thought about calling BrianDouglas or other people in the old gang, or even just stopping at the girls’ house. But I didn’t really want that either. I knew if I went there I would smoke like a chimney and get drunk. What I really wanted to do, was go to Mike’s and spend the night there. Except I didn’t know how to get there and I didn’t think he really wanted to see me. Maybe he did, but I have no clue where his apartment was and I wouldn’t have gotten there till after 11pm. I knew he was tired and I didn’t want him to have