I hate computers…..

Tim wasn’t always perfect. And there were times when there was nothing he could do or say to help or make it better. And for some reason, Manny has this great need to always tell me that he will be there for me and he is there to listen to me. ARG! I hate that. It makes me feel like he’s trying to guilt me into talking to him. Like I’m not telling him what I should. And then he’ll be like, I know you know but I want to say it. That drives me batty! And I don’t really know why! Tim rarely if ever did that to me. And its not fair what I’m doing, comparing Tim and Manny. Because they are so different. But I know it would break Manny’s heart to hear that he was not a safe place for me. And I’m trying to understand why he’s not. And why I’m starting to dread his coming home. There is a lot of shit going on in my life right now and I really really don’t want to go to Manny with any of it. One – bc he’s got finals and he’s stressing enough. Two – bc he’s not safe to me. I don’t know how he’ll react. He might be ok, but I have this mental image of bad things. He doesn’t always say the right things, things that make me feel better. But its not like I can say “Oh well if he said this it would be great!” I don’t know why Tim could make me feel better and Manny can’t. And I don’t really know why I am so upset with Eric going all the way across country. I miss him so desperatly. I don’t really miss all of CIA the way I miss him. And I start to think about what Tim and Deb and most of my friends said about him. That he liked me (liked liked me). He is similiar to Tim, but yet not. They both have this quiet strength that I find highly appealing. One time when I went to CIA with an issue, more like a confession, I was a wreck. And I was crying as I told them. And no one really knew what to say, but Eric came up and just hugged me as I cried. And that moment, although horribly upsetting and sad, is forever imprinted in my heart. And the emails he has sent me. They are so wonderful. And I’m not really sure why, but they really are. And they always made me feel better. I’m not sure how. I’m not sure what he always said that helped, but he did. And I’m going insane because I’m starting to imagine what could have been, what might have been. But I’m not sure I really want to try another long distance relationship. Especially one as far as this. I don’t even know where Eric stands on the idea of us at all! Maybe he’s moved on. I just know that I wish I had the guts to go talk to him and find out. Well, we’ll work on it. “If you confess with your mouth and believe with your heart…” Work is done and TOD is evil.