i got lost in the sounds

 I’ve gotten out of the habit of writing in here.  About me, about my life, about my feelings, about what the hell is going on in my life.  Mostly thats because I haven’t had anything going on lately.  I spend a few hours a day job hunting and realizing how much my life sucks, until I can’t take it anymore.  Then I bury myself in WoW.  I just want to escape, but even WoW hasn’t been providing the escape I really want.  What I want to escape back to is the person I used to be.  The person who wasn’t so terrified about going outside her own apartment.  Who feels like these 800 square feet of living space is the closest she’s got to a home right now.

Something happened last week.  Or really a week and a half ago.  I was driving to Interview Part 2 for the church on the north side of town.  I’ve driven up to this church a number of times already and have seen the landscape.  But something during that drive made me stop and catch my breath.  I don’t know what it was exactly.  Did I see something?  Was there a message in the clouds?  All of a sudden, my heart was crying, clawing its way out of my chest, screaming a word I haven’t felt in a long time.  HOME.  The sign I’ve been waiting for.  The signal that I might finally belong someplace.  That I could possibly be happy here, even in the smallest way.

I waited until I had my interview in Holland.  It was going to be Tuesday, but then it was pushed to Thursday.  I didn’t want to jump without at least considering all my options.  After the meeting, I still waited.  I honestly didn’t really know what else I was waiting for.  I was tried to convince myself I wanted something I didn’t.  I tried to talk myself into going somewhere I might not be happy rather than the place I just knew would be okay.

The unbelievable weight that has been lifted off my heart is amazing.  This is not going to be easy.  Holland would have been the easier choice.  More money, bigger position with way more opportunity for growth and more money.  But I had read an article (from Shazar’s dad actually) and it echoed within me.  I didn’t want the quick-fix easy-answer unhappy route.  I want to be happy.  I want to have joy in my life.  The church in Holland is not a bad church, its just not the right place for me.  It would become just a job to me.  It wouldn’t be my home.  It wouldn’t be where I reconnected with people and life and possibilities.  It would just be a paycheck.  A nice paycheck, but just a paycheck.  Call me selfish, but I want more than that.

I’ve been watching Veronica Mars lately, and an episode I had already seen came up.  A quote from a lifetime ago flashed up.  It prompted me to look up the old diary entries and reminded me of a life I used to have.  Of a man I used to love.  Of the wall that I had built up around my heart.  And I realized I had rebuilt the wall again.  This time its a much smaller space I’ve given myself.  A space where there is no room for anyone else, even if they were to break through.  I’m stuck in a space that can barely contain even me.  I bricked up every escape and entrance.

Today, I think I knocked a few bricks out and had my first real breath of fresh air.

(Shake it up)

I never loved nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting my heart truly
I got lost in the sounds
I hear in my mind
All these voices
I hear in my mind all these words
I hear in my mind all this music

And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
It breaks my heart

And suppose I never ever met you
Suppose we never fell in love
Suppose I never ever let you kiss me so sweet and so soft
Suppose I never ever saw you
Suppose we never ever called
Suppose I kept on singing love songs just to break my own fall
Just to break my fall
Just to break my fall
Break my fall
Break my fall

All my friends say that of course its gonna get better
Gonna get better
Better better better better
Better better better

I never love nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting my heart truly
I got lost
In the sounds
I hear in my mind
All these voices
I hear in my mind all these words
I hear in my mind
All this music
And it breaks my heart
It breaks my heart

I hear in my mind all of these voices
I hear in my mind all of these words
I hear in my mind all of this music

Breaks my
Heart
Breaks my heart 

Fidelity ~ Regina Spektor