i fold in half so easily

The first step to figuring things out is to identify the problem.  Acknowledge that something is not right.  Admit you have a problem.  My problem is that I have the answer, the solution, but I’m too afraid to use it.  I know how to make things better.  But I’m really scared to actually take the steps I need to take.

I turned 20 and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.  I’d already suffered a year and a half before receiving that answer.  Five years later and I finally found the answer to how to survive.  I wasn’t the crazy, psychotic chick who couldn’t keep suicidal thoughts at bay.  I wasn’t struggling just to get through every day.  I wasn’t crying myself to sleep or standing terrified at my door, too scared to step outside.  For the first time in my adult life, I wasn’t just surviving I was actually living.

So what was the problem?  I was a Person, confidant and full of life.  Everything was going so well.  But it wasn’t what I was used to.  I had spent years figuring out how to survive with this monster inside of me.  I don’t know how to be without that monster.  It scares me.  It feels like its not me.

So I stopped using the solution.  And I’m back to the loser failing psychotic person I once was.  I know this person.  I’m comfortable with this person.

Well, sort of.  I’m comfortable, but I’m not happy.  It was just unnerving, and I wasn’t used to it.  But it was a better me.  But I’m scared.  I don’t want to have to relearn who I am.  I got to a point where I knew who I was.  I didn’t like her, but I knew her.  I accepted it was who I was.

God, I really wish I could just get over myself already.
 

build your own television receiver
staying home can’t be that bad for me
cause i’m not scared
but i’d like some extra spare time
easily earn me big money

i’m a modern girl but i fold in half so easily
when i put myself in the picture of success
i could learn world trade
or try to map the ocean

when you’re dead
in hospitals and freeways
when you’re dead
in resting homes and clinics
when you’re dead
it must be nice to finish
when you’re dead

i’ve had it with you 
and mexico can fucking wait
and all of those french films about trains
cause i’m not scared
but i’d like some extra spare time
i’m not scared
but the bills keep changing colors

when you’re dead
in hospitals and freeways
when you’re dead 
in dress shirts and neckties
when you’re dead
in apartments and on beaches
when you’re dead

they say california is a recipe for a black hole
and i say i’ve got my best shoes on 
i’m ready to go (ready to go)
ready to go
ready to go
i’m ready to go
ready to go
ready to go
ready to go
i’m ready to go
ready to go
ready to go
ready to go
i’m ready to go
ready to go
ready to go
ready to go
i’m ready to go

these are times that can’t be weathered and 
we have never been back there since then

these are times that can’t be weathered and 
we have never been back there since then

these are times that can’t be weathered and 
we have never been back there since then

these are times that can’t be weathered and 
we have never been back there since then
Pictures of Success ~ Rilo Kiley