I feel it growing colder

Wow. 2007. Two-thousand seven. Crazy. I really didn’t think my roommates and I would make it. At least not all of us. Anyways – I want to explain my entry from the end of the semester. We have to travel back to 2006, just after finals end…..

It was Wednesday night and I was going out with the intention of getting smashed. Jenn and her friend Erin were going as well along with Connors. There was some random strangeness with the cars, but I’m gonna chalk it up to Jenn misunderstanding. Marcie was still there when I got there and she and I had a drink together before she left. Shortly after that Jenn and Erin decided to leave as well. Jenn told me Connors wanted to stay and was willing to walk home with me or take a cab. She also said she would call before they went to bed in case we wanted her to pick us up. I thought it was very nice of her. And she did call later. But the problem with going out with Connors, as of late, is that he doesn’t go out often. So when he does go out, he goes all out. He and I had a bunch of cigarettes outside together and talked about the people we love that are far away. His girlfriend is in North Carolina and he misses her like mad. I was pretty drunk and admitted to him that I think I loved Mike. And so we commiserated for a while and hugged and cried (only a little). I mean, we were both pretty sloshed. Dustin had made me an Irish Hammer which pretty much got me hammered. So while Connors and I were outside, he said something along the lines of “I’m going to go back inside before I do something we’re going to both regret.” But he stood there for a while and leaned in to kiss me, but I put my hand on his chest and stopped him. He gave me that lopsided Connors smile and said, “Yeah, thats probably not a good idea.” We talked for a bit while about why it would be a bad idea and he almost tried to kiss me again, but halted himself and stumbled inside. I knew that if I had kissed him it would have gone to bad places and really fast. Connors went into the bathroom not long after that. The night desk clerk, Eric, came into the bar to sit and talk with me and Dustin. I was so drunk and it was really wonderful. Dustin went to check on Connors and found him puking. He passed out on top to the sink not long after that, and I have pictures to prove it! Eric and Dustin were so much fun. That night was just perfect. Eric just seems like a really cool guy. And of course, Dustin is one of my favorites. He ended up driving both me and Connors home instead of making us get a cab. He said he didn’t want to make me have to carry Connors up to the third floor alone. So Connors rode prone in the back of Dustin’s truck and I rode up front and drunkly directed Dustin. He is seriously the best bartender ever. I mean what other bartender would not only drive you home at 3am, but help you carry your drunken friend up to his room and to bed? He also got Connors water before leaving. Oh, it was so much fun. Seriously the perfect ending to the crappy semester.

And I have a new roommate! Well, sort of. Its a long story but his name is Paul and he works as a Market Researcher for a company out of the UK. They are transfering him to the States for a while to do stuff here. He found me on one of the roommate search websites. So hopefully everything will work out. I’ve already spoken with my landlord and we are planning on moving into the new apartment on January 15th. It means I’ll have to spend the weekend in my old place, but thats ok. It will only be a weekend. And Nitta offered to come down and play guard dog for me. Melissa won’t know what hit her. Maybe she won’t even be there. But I believe Chase it back at school now for the January Term and I think her plan was to see him. But I don’t care. I have a new roommate! Yeah! And he’s cute and older and smart and has a job! Mike who? Yeah, I wish. But I’m just excited about not having to live with the psycho sisters anymore. I am nervous about being there over the weekend, but hopefully I’ll just be left alone. Marcie said she would come over and help me move stuff as well. And I’m only moving across the hall, so its not that far or anything. Anyways – I’m sure I’ll write more about him once I actually meet him. Mom is a little concerned he could be a rapist or something, but that’s only because she’s Mom. She and Dad totally understand my need to get out of the situation I’m in. So here’s to hoping he’s not a serial rapist!

One more thing – New Year’s Eve. The only thing that could have made it more perfect is if Mike could have been there. I was perfectly drunk. I’m starting to be able to drink just the right amount to be hammered, but not need to throw up. I don’t know if its my tolerance is going up, or I’m just getting better at telling when to lay off. Bubba, T-Bone, Juice, Preppy, Nathan, Susan, Nitta, Ann, DeDra and Gouda were all there. I kinda wish Yager and Foster could have been there too, and the rest of my hometown friends. But they went to another party and my old gang has really been scattered to the wind. I saw Manny, Settle, Lange, Kathleen and Russ before Christmas and in talking to Manny I realized it was going to be one of the last times I’m gonna see him for probably the next year or more! Its so weird. To think that the people I used to see every day in the hallway of high school, I’m going to go years without seeing. We are all moving on with our lives. I feel like I’m losing Settle and I can’t stop it. I know he’s bad about calling so I try to call when I remember. But I don’t always remember. And Nitta and I had a long talk this past Friday about if I should keep Manny in my life or not.

But that is an entry for another time. It has to do with my feelings for Mike and my situation with him. Like I said, another time….

So clever, whatever,
I’m done with these endeavors.
Alone I walk the winding way.
Here I stay.
It’s over, no longer,
I feel it growing stronger.
I’ll live to die another day,
Until I fade away.

Why give up, why give in?
It’s not enough, it never is.
So I will go on until the end.
We’ve become desolate.
It’s not enough, it never is.
But I will go on until the end.

Surround me, It’s easy
To fall apart completely.
I feel you creeping up again
In my head.
It’s over, No longer,
I feel it growing colder.
I knew this day would come to end,
So let this life begin.

Why give up, why give in?
It’s not enough, it never is.
So I will go on until the end.
We’ve become desolate.
It’s not enough, it never is.
But I will go on until the end.

I’ve lost my way.
I’ve lost my way,
but I will go on until the end.

Living is hard enough
Without you fucking up.

Why give up, why give in?
It’s not enough, it never is.
So I will go on until the end.
We’ve become desolate.
It’s not enough, it never is.
But I will go on until the end.

I’ve lost my way.
I’ve lost my way,
but I will go on until the end.

The final fight I’ll win,
The final fight I’ll win,
The final fight I’ll win,
But I will go on until the end.

Until theEnd ~ Breaking Benjamin