I don’t want this
I was thinking about relationships last night and into this morning. Specifically James and I. Baboon had IMed last night and we talked about our summers, loves, new lives, etc. She asked specifically about James and if there were any romantic sparks. There’s just not between us. It was nice to get it out this summer with him, because I love him and adore spending time with him and totally do NOT want to be with him like that. Its a hard thing to balance, but somehow he and I have been able to do so.
What about you and Manny?
Thats not the same thing. Manny and I are… ex-lovers. I loved him with every fiber in my being and I still do. I know he loves me too. But he and I won’t work, though not for lack of trying. With seeing him, being around him, talking with him – all that comes with a tiny bit of pain too. It hurts because I love him so much, he loves me, but that’s not enough to make everything alright. I think this is why I really am not a fan of the Beatles. “All you need is love” is such crap. But Manny and I tried. Over and over and over, until we literally couldn’t stand anymore. We could not survive anymore.
Rob and I never even got a chance to try. I loved him and he loved me. I don’t actually doubt that anymore. It was only the beginning of love, but it was love. And its not really a past tense verb with any of them. I love them all still. But Rob and I never had a chance, and I can’t go back now. I can’t rewind time and give us the chance we probably deserve.
But here are three examples of how loving someone and having them love you back doesn’t make for a happy relationship. One of them does have a happy ending, but the other two are laced with pain. This is not how I want my life to be. A long line of people who love me, whom I love but can’t seem to make anything real with.
I know, I know. My relationships with each of the previously mentioned men is not fake, or anything I would give up. I love them dearly and I wouldn’t want to change things. Because changing things with them would mean changing who and where I am today. I get all that. And I’m not regretting the past.
I’m dreading the future. I’m fearful I won’t have what they have. General Hospital had a great quote about that this week. Lulu was saying the same thing in regards to Maxie and Spinelli. She doesn’t want Spinelli. She just wonders if she’ll ever have what they have. Dante/Dominic says "No. You’ll have what you have." Its absolutely true and I do get it. No relationships is identical or duplicated. Each is different according to the two people involved. But then what is it that I have?
I’m heading to Buists now for a family dinner and afternoon/evening of games and whatnot. Matt just asked Rebecca to marry him last night, so that will be part of the enjoyment of the evening. And I am unbelievably happy for her. She deserves to find someone who makes her happy and takes care of her and is everything she’s dreamed of. She’s fought and waited, and I’m happy for her. Like Lulu, I don’t want the guy as my own and I don’t wish for the girl’s unhappiness. But just like Lulu, I want what they’ve got. I want my own mix of every relationship I know and admire – my parents, my grandparents, my aunts and uncles, Sir and Avalon, John and David, James and Ashley, Brian and Jen, Beth and Steve… The list goes on and on. I don’t want a duplicate of any of their relationships because I am not a duplicate of any of them. But I still hear the lingering voice…
I want what they’ve got.
I don’t want this anymore…
I can’t believe
How far I’ve come
Now watch me stumble
And come undone
If you take away
These memories
Then all that’s left
Is just me
‘Cause I don’t want this
And I don’t need this
And I don’t feel this
It seems that even though she’s with me
I can’t shake this
And I can’t fake this
And I won’t take this
Anymore
So you choose
To break my heart
Should have seen this
From the start
I’m haunted by
Your apathy
All that’s left
Is killing me
‘Cause I don’t want this
And I don’t need this
And I don’t feel this
It seems that even though she’s with me
I can’t shake this
And I can’t fake this
And I won’t take this
Anymore
Do you believe
That the way you choose to be
I’ve always had to see
The brighter side of this so I don’t lose my faith
Now the sun has gone away
It’s getting colder every day
So before I freeze to death
There’s something I should say
I don’t want this
And I don’t need this
And I don’t feel this
It seems that even though she’s with me
I can’t shake this
And I can’t fake this
And I won’t take this
Though you say you understand
You still won’t face this
Can’t erase this
I won’t embrace this
Anymore
Take This ~ Staind